Welcome to the Monday Morning Report. I'm your one and
only Reporter, I had others, but paying the monkeys
with bananas got a little expensive, not to mention
the produce managers around town started to lookin at
me all funny...

This is a little bit of weekly fun for all of us
cubicle gophers, who occasionally stick our heads up
over the walls to spy on our co-workers, hear the
latest scoop on who got the promotion you're not even
close to qualified for or because the smell of food is
thick in the air. 

There's a couple things you should know about the MMR,
1) don't just steal the "mostly true, minimally hyped
up, almost factual stories." However, feel free to
embellish them lavishly and spread them until they
become urban legend, 2) this is for those of us who
are at the low end (and the few of us who will likely
stay at the low end) of the corporate ladder. Kinda
like how the boss hearing and inside joke can kill it,
especially if is about him, sharing with those higher
up on the success rung will certainly suck all the fun
out of this, 3)although its called the Monday
"Morning" Report, don't actually expect it during the
AM hours, if on Monday at all. Its just not gonna
happen. 4) I understand if your job doesn't allow you
to have such "colorful" documents coming into your
work email address. After all this IS all about
rebelling, so the man is gonna try to make you
conform. So if you need to be taken off or have a
different email address, I will do that for you right
away. Whereas its always funny when bad things happen
to "this guy from accounting" its not so funny if
those same bad things happen to you.

Now then On With the Show...

So over the weekend the boys and I roll up to…"up
north" for the nuptials of a friend. While I was
excited for a great wedding and some damn good food, I
think the underlying tone was no one was really
excited to see them actually "tie" the knot; we just
wanted all the spoils that go along with the knot
having been tied. You know kinda like when you bought
your ex-girlfriend that puppy, but then your azz got
stuck taking care of the phucker….or basically the
same thing as when you ladies birthed that son, and
then the "baby daddy" ran off with his assistant,
Bill. 

Anyways, were talking about my terrible life right
now. So it's not bad enough that there are three dudes
stuffed into the front seat of a Ford pickup truck,
that happens to be stick shift….all puns intended….,
but one of those dudes happens to be my +1 for the
wedding, and because we are cheap-azzes and only
getting 1 hotel room, the other dude is my potential
bed mate….Believe me it gets no worse than having one
guy "shifting" between your crotch and knowing you may
wind up sleeping with the other guy in the same bed. 

My only salvation is the promised land of booze,
bridesmaids and if were lucky a nice slice of wedding
cake flying into someone's face. All of which came to
fruition the moment we actually found the wedding
location...just as the ceremony ended. Long (well
longer story) story short, we boozed and
"bridesmaided" like a bunch of pirate swindlers and
all was going well…that is until after my buddy,
starts making out with a in his words "foxy little
lady" and the whole party STOPS, music skips, the
bartender spills the drink he is making and everyone
is watching my buddy make out with a less than sober
tart of a chic. 

Now normally this would be ok, encouraged even, save
for one minor detail. My buddy is obviously 28 and
some guy decides to tell him- mid tongue action- that
the tart he is…"interested in", is 16…

That "guy" happens to be her Dad and in guy's hand is
the neck end of a freshly smashed beer bottle (…like I
said the wedding was "up-north"… )and in his eyes, the
FURY of a father whose only daughter is one step short
of being "de-flowered", at a backyard wedding no less…


…Basically to round out the story, only two "Good Ole
Boys" named Bo and Luke driving an orange Charger are
the only things faster when it comes to getting the
h-ll outta Dodge!

This has been the Monday Morning Report and Yes, I
have encountered YET another angry father and lived to
tell about it….