EPISODE 1: "why are calendars so tough to read, these days?"

band: "hey there, wondering if our band can get a date in april"
club: "sure, what dates are you available/looking for?"
band: "anytime is cool.  we're super flexible and have a huge draw."
club: "here are some dates... hit me back with whatever one looks good."
band: "rad! we'll take __ and promote the hell out of it!"

flash forward to 2 days before the agreed date.

band: "hey there, our drummer was looking at the wrong month on the calendar and has to work, so we're going to have to bail on that saturday night show that you don't have a backup for because we waited too long to pull our heads out of our asses.  any chance we can get another weekend show?"
club:  "awesome!  since you canceled last minute our club is left without a full bill on a weekend, meaning smaller turnout, meaning less revenue, which is what we need to pay the rent and stay open.  i will be sure to consider you for an upcoming bill, since you have been so reliable and professional in our past dealings.  can't wait!"


EPISODE 2: "we would have had more people, but..."

band: "hey there, can we have ___ to book a bill for our cd release?  We haven't played since ___ so, we will have a ton of people come out."
club: "sure, as long as you, or any of the bands you want to play, don't plan on setting anything up too close to that date, we can give you that weekend slot, otherwise, i would prefer to book an off-night."
band: "naw, it's cool. we're not playing anywhere because we're saving up everything for the release.  it's gonna be killer!"

flash to payout time, after the show.

band: "man, i was sure we would have a ton of people tonight.  we had a lot of people come out to the show last night."
club: "when we agreed on this date you, said that you, or any of the other bands weren't going to play too close to this date.  that is why we gave you a weekend bill."
band: "totally, we weren't going to do shows but then ____ from ____ called me and wanted to know if we were down to play.  since we have never played there before, i didn't want to pass up the chance."
club: "well, that would explain the horrible turnout."
band: "so, is there any chance we could get paid a little more?  we were expecting to make a few more bucks, even though we were advised that our payment was in direct percentage of the money the club made for the evening?  i mean, c'mon,  we made more last night at the other club."
club: "good, maybe you can hit them up for a little more cash for tonight, then."

EPISODE 3: "So it seems that we have dropped off the face of the earth."

band: "...Cool, so we are confirmed for __ and we have is listed on our website, got a decent write-up in the weekly paper. Awesome."

Cut to night of show

Club: "W.T.F., the band doesn't email or call, has the show listed on their page, gets a decent write-up and end up not showing up, at all.  Definitely professionalism at it's best!"

EPISODE 4: "I know I agreed to your terms, but..."

Band: "I know I said I read the booking blog and agree to your terms but I was wondering if I can use my drink ticket for a 12 part mix drink and possibly get a few more bucks?"

Club: "Unfortunatly, we can't just change the rules because you want us to.  That is why we ask you to read all of the rules before booking a show, so we are all on the same page and we don't have to go through this."

Band: "Since I drove all the way from ____, I think I should get paid a bit more money, even though I only had 2 people here.  I'm not going to stay for the other bands, either,  so can you tell everybody to close out their tabs, so I can get paid for their open tabs and get going?"

Club: "No, we aren't going to ask everybody to close out their tabs and possibly leave, because you decided you don't want to stay.  Which club has done that for you in the past?

Band: "Well, none of them, but for some reason, I think that I am being completely reasonable and deserve special treatment."

Club: "Oh, I see...hmmm, NO!"

EPISODE 5: "About The Last Minute Guarantee..."

One Day Before The Scheduled Show

Band: " I know you have never heard of our band, are from out of town and have no way to prove to you that we can get any people out, but we decided that since gas prices are high (even though they are still about the same as when we booked the show and agreed to your payout terms) we are going to need a $_____ guarantee for a no cover, free show.

Club: "Well, you have read and agreed to our terms, which state that we don't offer guarantees to anybody, but we do give a solid percentage of the evening sales; so, if you can guarantee that we will make $____ in sales, i can guarantee that you will make $____;otherwise, we would be completely foolish to agree to this.

Band: "We have opened for _______ and have won the _____ Battle of the Bands 6 years in a row.  We can't promise you any type of draw but we think we are worth this."

Club: "Well, again, you agreed to play, based on our terms that we have posted, so, emailing the night before saying that you aren't going to play unless we pay you this amount is completely unprofessional and a great way to get on the shit list of any club.  Hopefully, you will have a shred of professional integrity and honor your agreement since you are clearly in the wrong."

Flash to the night of the show when the band doesn't show up.  Classy.