10-16-06

            Internet advertisements use to be annoying. Logging onto any given page you might get 3 or 4 pop up ads or banner ads that bordered the entire website. This used to be the most aggravating part of navigating the web. But today, advertisements on the internet are no longer annoying, they're rage inspiring. These advertisements have evolved from simply cluttering a page to blocking it, covering the only section of the page that you were interested in looking at. You stare intently, looking into each pixel for the close button. Then just when you think you've found it, you click and a new page opens where they swear your computer is infected and if you simply download their free Adware you'll be safe.

            This was only the first stage of the new evolution of rage inducing advertisements. Today, advertisements speak to you. Sure some of them come with volume control and mute options, if you can find them. Yeah, most of them claim they'll only speak if you roll your mouse bar over them, but as you skillfully navigate the webpage you're on, being certain not to travel near the ad, you find that this is a lie. It only takes one Smiley face yelling "HELLOOO!" right as your boss walks by to get the rage flowing.

            These talking ads are a nightmare. You load a page, you think you're safe, there's only one banner ad and it doesn't appear to want to converse with you. You leave that page up and open a few more pages, searching for the perfect pair of jeans at internet stores. Each page appears safe; then, when you have 4 to 5 pages open it happens.

            "You locked the doors."

 Startled by the dark ominous voice, you look around the room before realizing it's your computer speaking, but you don't see an advertising pop up. Creepy music starts to play. "You shut the windows."

You begin flipping through your pages, trying to find the ad.

            "It was already inside.."

 The sound of a swing creaking in the background plays. Chills run up your spine. You reach for the volume on the speakers and turn it off. Just then your computer decides to expand the ad and blood begins to drip down the inside of the screen. A demon's face flashes just as you finally get your mouse to the X button. But this scary movie advertisement isn't the worst kind.

            Many of us use web pages to listen to streaming music or watch videos online, but voice ads don't seem to care if you're at a webpage to listen to something. They just keep talking anyway. So you're trying to listen to a new comedy sketch, that took 5 minutes to load, and your computer begins asking questions over the sketch. "Do you have trouble performing like you used to? Don't be embarrassed. Many men over the age of 45 of benefited from our product. Ask your doctor about Viagra today."

            You may think you've won the war if you keep your computer on a permanent mute, think again. The newest wave in advertising has been the recent trend to trick the viewer/listener into believing that the ad is not an ad. Today on the internet, especially on Myspace, ads mock you with challenges. "Can you get Grandma across the road?" You think, yeah, of course I can, and you do, only to be taken to a new page where they're offering a free ring tone if you'll provide them with your credit card number. These game ads are very hard to resist. Sure you try, but there are only so many times that you can watch the screen flash "YOU LOSE," before you give in and play the game.

            The radio is getting into the act too. They try to make you believe the DJ has come back on and is talking about some new topic.

            "I don't know about you, but I just hate it when I go out to the beach and there's some way to skinny woman with smooth legs sitting at on a towel, eating a gigantic piece of chocolate cake."

Then the ad part kicks in.

            "If you're like me and are sick of watching other people eat cake and appear hair free you'll want to check out Laser Hair Removal and Liposuction. These innovative new doctors have come up with a pain free way to get rid of that excess hair and fat. Who has time to shave or work out? I know I don't. That's why I went to Laser Hair Removal and Liposuction and got my free assessment. You should go today."

            We won't even get started on what's wrong with these "beauty enhancement" commercials.

            Still, we can't be too hard on the advertising companies. They do their best. Do you fault the lion for killing the gazelle? No, because that what lions do. Advertisers are the ones who pay the bulk of the expenses for television, radio, websites and movies. Without them we would have to pay for every station we watched individually, even the news stations. We owe them a lot. They're part of the reason we can have a free Myspace or email account. And how do we thank them, we change the channel, we fast forward, we close the pop up, we mute our speakers and we show up late to the movies. So as rage inspiring as these new internet ads maybe, remember we only have ourselves to blame.