The Spring improvements continued today and I'm delighted to be able to announce that the following chores were undertaken:-

Everything removed from every kitchen surface which was then scrubbed, sanded and reoiled.

Two lavender bushes planted.

One rosemary bush planted.

One bee box treated and strategically places.

One lady bird box treated and strategically placed.

One new bird cake feeder assembled ad strategically placed.

One bird box treated and strategically placed.

"Hmmm," I hear you mumble. "It would appear that Emma has strategically placed a lot of things designed to attract wildlife into the garden."

"Yes, well read with your eyes," I reply, "I have."

"Any particular reason, other than the obvious - ie - attracting wildlife into your garden."

"Yes," say I, "I am going to replace Kate Humble from off of Springwatch with Bill Oddie. Then it will be Springwatch with Bill Oddie AND Emma Kennedy. I will refuse to accept anything else."

"Hmm," ponder you, "I mean I like you and your work and everything but Kate Humble's really good on Springwatch with Bill Oddie even if she isn't allowed to have her name in the programme. And, how can I put this, I'm not sure that just having a bee box and a ladybird box and a bird box and a bit of bird cake really qualifies you for the job. Plus kate Humble is well fitter than you."

"I've got bigger tits," say I. "I don't mean the birds."

"Yes, you have got bigger tits but that's not the point. Plus that was a very poor joke."

"Springwatch with Bill Oddie AND Emma Kennedy."

"Just repeating it isn't going to make it any better."

"But I love Springwatch," say I.

"That's not the point. I love Wimbledon but I'm not going to take over from Sue Barker am I?"

"Don't know."

"Am I?"

"No."

"Well then. And more importantly, I think your trademark cheek has no place in a wildlife programme. What are you going to do? Be sarcastic about some owls?"

*shrugs shoulders, looks at feet*

"Don't get me wrong. Your home improvements sound lovely. But just drop the Kate Humble thing, alright."

I hate you all.