Father's Day. Not the easiest of days for many, many survivors of the various forms of child abuse.

I've decided I would write today about how I, as a survivor of emotional and physical abuse from my Dad, have learned to cope with Father's Day (and the general issue of fatherlessness) over the years.

As I said, I am survivor, and as can be expected, Father's Day has been really hard for me. In the post The day I nearly died. *T*, I wrote about a brutal act comitted against me by my father. And I haven't really covered this in Blessed Fearscapes (but there is some of it at www.aswaterspassingby.org) but I dealt with verbal abuse as well. I spent years living in fear of my father.

My issues with Father's Day did not really start until after I was 12 years old, after my father had died of cancer. The violence and the horrible words I'd been subjected to had stopped by then. Amazingly, it was that cancer that it took to break the bands of addiction that had nightly changed Dad from a loving father into a monster.

After his death I was left wanting and needing a Dad. He had passed away just as I was approaching my teenage years. Like most teenagers my life was filled with turmoil. My attitude stunk to high heaven, and I acted like I didn't need anyone, but when left alone, I would get that teary lump in my throat as the need for a father and the emptiness without him became unavoidable.

Years after his passing, I converted to Christianity, and created a whole new arena of struggle for me. I now spent my Sundays in a church, and especially Father's Days where my Pastor was exhorting the men of the congregation to be better fathers. Every Father's Day became a day for tears.

And yet, that same enviroment was a healing one. Our Pastor has introduced the fatherless in our church to the concept of God the Father. And he continues to encourage the men of the church to love their children; to be better fathers.

I also discovered the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, by John and Stasi Eldredge, a book which deals with the concept of wounded femininity, and the whole that a violent father plays in such a condition. It put things in perspective.

One thing that has helped is that while Father's Day is still a crying day for me, I have let go of the rage. There is still a hurt, and I deal with it as it comes, but I am not self-destructing from lack of proper fathering.

If I could encourage women who've been in similar situations, I would say you can heal, and to men who are fathers or will be, or want to be, please know that you have such an impact on generations of women (and men) by how you father your children. If you are a brute, your daughter will live in anger and fear as I did. If you are gentle, if you step up to the plate, she will be confident and happy. You can make a difference.

To those who celebrate Father's Day, I hope yours was excellent, and if not, then I wish you peace on that day from this point forward.

With love,
Annaleigh