excitement fills my heart in spurts. nothing out of the ordinary. everything has become, or should i say, has remained bland and pointless. it's almost an everyday battle--reminding myself to remain positive and keep that smile going no matter how much of it is make-believe.
i have a love/hate relationship with being alone but at the moment i like it and wish for only a few days of it. i have my little fantasies of escaping to another place, town, state, island -- anywhere that i might be spoiled and pampered. i want this smile to be of pleasure, love and relaxation.
i feel my children are going in different directions that i can't control. my worst fear is not being able to control what happens or make decisions for them. when i was younger, i thought i knew it all and i still do and the tendencies to keep my children tucked under my wing, are very strong. they seem to be stronger, but i'm not giving up. i've learned that the more you see, the less you know for sure -- "stay with me" i say to my children. there are no words to express how i feel when i watch my girl growing before my eyes. my son's different ideas and strife for independence. i want to start over and do it better -- raising them. i'm scared of what i've taught them or haven't. is it enough or not? is it right or not?
i'm dressed in black.