How to keep a man:

1. make him sandwiches all the time and toast the fucking bread

2. budget six-packs into your grocery fund, give him beers

3. be genuinely horny all the time (if you're not, you'd better have a great sense of humor and a killer blow job)

4. the cure-all for any boy problem (unwanted sobriety, anger, moodiness, annoyance) is a well-executed blow job

5. find at least one thing your boy loves and learn about it so you can talk to him like one of the boys

6. don't be a bitch unless you really need to

How to keep a woman:

1. always have Tangaray and Dr McGillicuddy's in your freezer

2. clean your pubes off the under-toilet seat (boys, it's pretty fucking gross to put your face in all those pubes and piss marks when you want to puke in your own toilet)

3. tell me i'm hot and that you want to fuck me every single day

4. fuck me every single day (at least once)

5. don't steal the razors

6. tell me how ugly my hot friends are

7. get drunk with my mom

8. have good taste in movies

am i missing anything?