THINGS TO REMEMBER WHILE READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S)
PROJECT RUNWAY BLOG:
* Despite cute clothes in Jennifer's closet,
she insisted on wearing a hoodie EVERY day for the past 8 days.
* Sometimes she wore the same hoodie several days in a row.
* Ew.
* Jennifer's dog, Matilda, just got her first hoodie this week.
* Jennifer has zero fashion savvy.
* Jennifer needs help.
* Please give Tim Gunn her number, before it's too late.
* And Logan's too... for the other part of her life that needs help.
* Hubba hubba.
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LAST WEEK ON PROJECT RUNWAY:
People wanly bitched
While clothes were hastily stitched.
Divorce is in,
And so is Shirin.
The winner this week was Gordana!
Which only rhymes with "pinata."
Then to the aufing,
Which proved quite daunting.
Christopher's bubble dress blew,
But Epperson's was the strangest brew.
And due to a misunderstanding,
Tara was sent packing.
This week how will it end?
Tim Gunn will advise, "Carry on my friends!"
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"Put diamonds on the crotch and you're home free."
-- Bob Mackie
Yackety-shmackety. Apartment bullshit starts the show. "I deserve to be here," "I can't believe I'm still here," quotes litter the opening as per usual. (And I predict the bottom 2 and the winner. JERKS!)
Here's what I WISH people were saying:
Christopher: "I'm not sure I have enough fun hats to wear so as to not have a repeat before I'm auffed."
Shirin: "I'm actually the Travelocity Gnome. It's a cross promotion with Lifetime."
Carol Hannah: "WHY do the boys have to have their own apartment?? I want to make bacon with Logan in the morning. What?"
Althea: "Oh, (waves frantically) HI!"
Nicolas: "I'm running out of concealer. I AM RUNNING OUT OF CONCEALER!!"
Logan: "I am so good looking that even I am distracted by me. Oh what's that in the mirror? It's my awesome. Dude. Seriously. It is. Check it."
Irina: "I'm sorry, but I am so much better than these pedestrians who call themselves designers. I put the 'I' in designer, bitches."
Gordana: "I have immunity. Thank God. I need a nap."
THE CHALLENGE:
The designers meet Heidi on stage only to be sent to a dimly-lit back room at FIDM to meet Tim Gunn. (Note to Producers: This is NOT a spectacular location. Don't have Heidi intro it as such. Say, "We're using a big closet. Deal with it," instead.)
With Tim though is designer
Bob Mackie, aka The Sultan of Sequins. He made these Cher "outfits" from the 80s:
"Ta-da! I didn't wax! Oh wait, I did, it's just the sequins."
"If I could turn back time... I would buy some pants!"
"BOO!"
This biddy doesn't get it. And why do I feel like if I bought a hoodie from ol' Bob here it would just be a bedazzled half-sleeve and two pasties? Hmm?
Tim Gunn tells the designers that their challenge is to, "Create an extravagant stage look in the manner of Bob Mackie." BM (tee hee!) takes over and tells the designers that this is beyond fashion (understatement!) and it's "the stage." (Note: When I'm on stage, it's usually in a hoodie. Moving on...) Nicolas almost pees himself being in the presence of Queen Mackie. Squeeeee!
Tim continues the challenge to tell them that they are designing for
Christina Aguilera. This is followed by a bunch of vague bites and NO description really of who she is, what kind of music she does, or even a PICTURE of her. So people like my mother, have NO idea who the hell Tim and Mack Attach are talking about. NOR do the designers get a dossier on her (like they usually do for specific people/challenges) so that they can learn more about Christina's style evolution. Behold:
She's run the course from her debut with
Genie in a Bottle, moved along to being totally
Dirrty (which this biddy LOVES) and then got married, had a kid and cleaned her sexy up from trashy to classy and started performing standards and big band numbers like
Candyman. HELL-
F-ing-O! This MIGHT be of some help to our designers? YES? This girl has EVOLVED!!!! A handy tidbit, yes? PER-
F-ing-HAPS? GRRRR! (Pissed producer fists!)
The designers give some more empty bites about nothing and then head to Mood. They buy a lot of feathers and sequins and things. Yawn.
Thank you, MOOOOOOOOOOD!
WORK ROOM DAY #1 & #2:
This is by far the most boring work room in the history of Project Runway. So let's just skip to the picture show:
Nicolas: "So then I said, 'That's not a glue stick!'"
Christopher: "I don't get it."
Carol Hannah: "I gotta break me off a piece of THAT. NOM!"
"Oh, hi! I'm in this episode. I swear."
"I have immunity, I have immunity, I have immunity..."
Tim Gunn: "You DO know that Christina is a super sexy slut and this outfit screams 1999."Christopher: "Maybe I'll give her a fun hat."
Tim Gunn: "I give up on you."
Irina: "No worries, Tim, I'm perfect."Tim Gunn: "Sure you are, Kenley. Ahem, I mean 'Irina.'"
Carol Hannah: "But Logan said..."
Tim Gunn: "I don't care what that sweet piece of ass said, I assert, 'More feathers!'"
Tim Gunn: "Crap. It's crap."
Logan: "I know."Tim Gunn: "Pure crap."
Logan: "Yeah, I get it."
Tim Gunn: "Seriously, I've never seen anything so ugly."
Logan: "You are hurting my masculine feelings."
Tim Gunn: "Well, somebody had to."
Tim Gunn: "Let me guess. She's one of three queens and when she was banished into her snow world, she became an ice skater."Nicolas: "Nailed it."
Tim Gunn: "I can't help you either."
"I've always had a thing for Wilma Flintstone. Or was it Betty Rubble?
Eh, either way, vaginas rule."
RUNWAY:
"Alright, designers, it's time for the runway.
And if any of you give me guff on my Century 21 Realtor tie,
I will box your ears firmly and tell Nina you are of ill-repute.
I'm sorry I didn't use the Macy's accessory wall thoughtfully.
Sue me!"
"Designers, this is Christina Aguilera.
I have no idea who told her that lipstick works.
And somebody should tell her that her wig is god-awful.
It's not a wig? Scheiße."
NOW. Before we go any further, I'd like to tell you a little more about our guest judge, Bob Mackie.
Bob Mackie: "I have a secret."
Heidi: "Jennifer (Eolin) is gonna tell."
Bob Mackie: "I hate her."
Heidi: "Get in line!"
Well, it's not a secret. But it should be. Bob Mackie designs (FUGLY ASS) smocks (these are NOT shirts!!) for QVC: Take a lookie-loo at these appalling garments:
I have always wanted my forearms adorned.
AHHHHHHHH-CHO!
For the woman who wants to show shoulder,
but is too bashful...
WHAT THE HELL, MACKIE!? What is this rubbish? Even Dorothy from the
Golden Girls would have set these things on fire. OH, and there's more ugly to be had....
Sunburst Boob!
It's not a letterman sweater, it's just ugly!
Life is a honky-tonk parade.
NOBODY over the age of 4 should wear
this color pink! Especially with that
cascade of dandruff going down the side...
MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY!!!! Why would you help people to dress horribly, Bob Mackie? WHY?????????????????? Who hurt you as a child? Oh sure, I get that you have the status of "iconic designer" from the Cher outfits and from the fact that you did costumes for the
Carol Burnett Show...
"Is that a curtain rod or are you happy to see me?"
But seriously. The shirts for QVC scream: "I give up on my sexuality as a woman and I am now just a person who will have a uni-sex haircut and wear high waisted jeans and giggle at kittens frolicking with yarn." STOP IT. Women live forever. At least this biddy will! HOODIES FOREVER!
Sigh... Serenity fists. Must compose myself... Serenity fists NOW!
Okay... let's dash off to the runway for reals.
FIRST UP: SAFE!
IRINA:
Well how shocked was Irina to not have won this challenge? I really think they edited out the part where she said, "Are you shitting? Seriously, are you shitting me? I'm amazing! FEEL MY WRATH!"
I think she made a nice ice-skating outfit. I can see this being worn at the Olympics as a skater brings the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" to life for the billionth time. Awww....
GORDANA:
She wasn't safe: it was the immunity. (Take your Zicam!) I look at this dress and think: "ARE THOSE NIPPLES SEWN ONTO THE DRESS?" Yipes. The whole thing is off, but Gordana knows it and isn't in a delusional fantasy that she re-made the wheel. I hope she gets some rest and knocks it out of the park next episode!
TOP 2:
NICOLAS:
WHAT?!
Heidi loves this. DID SHE HAVE A STROKE? It's just a shorter version of his ice-princess dress! WTF?! Christina likes how fun it is. SNORE. It's boring and looks like a skater outfit. BOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT A FAN!
ALTHEA:
Althea wanted to step up the glamor but with an edge. I really like this - there's an amazing train on the back of the dress that is to die for (literally, I would trip and die wearing it). I just don't like that the black stole looks like the model's weave got out of control. That's my only issue!
The judges love it and have nothing interesting to say. BRING BACK KORS! I want my disco pumpkin quotes!!
WINNER:
CAROL HANNAH!
Carol Hannah admits that this challenge was a stretch for her. But she nailed it. Big time. HEART this dress. I could never wear it as one deep breath and I fear the whole thing would pop apart, but I love it on Lisa. Very old Hollywood, which matches what Christina very well.
Nina loves the glamor of it and Christina can see herself in it. Woo! Yay for the win, Carol Hannah!
BOTTOM 2:
LOGAN:
Logan was going for a punk-rock princess. Christina sees cave-woman and likes the color. Logan explains that there is pink underneath (that's what she said!) and the judges are like, "WHEN would you see that?" Logan thinks dirty thoughts (as does Jennifer Eolin), and we all move on.
CHRISTOPHER:
Christopher explains that he channeled a moment of Christina singing a Cyndi Lauper song and then reveals the hot pants and corset under the (ugly) jacket.
The judges hate the corset and hot pants. (As do I.) They then criticize him for revisiting Christina's Lady Marmalade era:
"My hair weighs more than my clothes."
Mack Attack tells Christopher that he wouldn't put this outfit on a chorus girl. SHUT IT, MACKIE! You wouldn't? But you'd put America in
this???
The "I Give Up" Smock
PBBBFT! I accept no criticism from you, pal! Even if you are right in this instance. Even if...
But seriously... how is he still here and the following person is now...
AUF'D:
Shirin???!??!
Shirin admits to the judges that she's not terribly confident with this look which I think should have kept her in the game. She didn't present her Vampira dress as, "This is the best thing I've ever created!" She got lost. Last week, she had a wedding dress that had so little fabric and she did the stitching to make it look awesome. She has talent (no matter what that Wendy Pepper Wanna Be Irina says!) and I think she got the short end of the stick this week. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOO!
Pissed Biddy this week. PISSED BIDDY.
NEXT WEEK ON PROJECT RUNWAY: MICHAEL KORS IS BACK! HAPPY BIDDY!
The models are SHOCKED that Shirin is out. SHOCKED.
"SON OF A B!"
Ebony has a complete mental breakdown and Lisa and Tanisha have to put our little egg back together again.
Katie laments that her butt doesn't look good in hot pants. Katie, I'll take your butt in hot pants ANY DAY over mine. (That sounded dirty. I didn't mean it that way. Honest Abe!)
Katie: "I feel a draft. Anybody else feel that?"
Christopher: "I do because I forgot to wear a fun hat."
Back at the apartment, the girls have auditions for Garnier! WOOO! They have lines to memorize and everything. It stresses some of the girls out as they aren't used to acting. And take it from this (out-of-work) actress, auditions are HARD and INTIMIDATING even if you can act. So I felt for these girls. I really did. I remember my last audition. It was for a talking piece of pepperoni. I have no idea why I didn't get it as I feel I was born for that role. (Yikes?)
Lisa has the hardest time as she just straight up forgets EVERYTHING.
"Words. Crap."
But props on the shirt - I love it!
Miss Katie did so well she got a callback!
"Come on, admit it. I'm sorta adorables, right? RIGHT??"
RUNWAY DAY!
"I will try not to fart this week."
Heidi tells the designers that they have to switch it up again with the models. This gives Ebony (false) hope since her designer was auf'd.
Carol Hannah picks Tanisha.
Bitch-Face (Irina) chooses Kaylin.
Logan thinks and chooses Celine.
Gordana picks Katie.
Nicolas wants to work with Kojii.
Christopher picks Matar.
And Althea picks Lisa.
And so it goes... Ebony is out the door.
NEXT WEEK on MOTR: BURLESQUE classes! WOOO! Shake it! (I'll watch from the couch. My hips don't move unless I'm scooting past a shopping cart at Target.)
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DO IT!
(I'm bossy.)
Until next time, make it work!