GUIDELINES TO READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) PROJECT RUNWAY BLOG:
* Jennifer is a huge dork
And we're off!
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Last week on Project Runway:
Christopher and Gordana were auf'd,
making Althea, Carol Hannah and Meana Irina Season Six's Bryant Park contestants.
Katie and Matar were also auf'd on Models of the Runway.
PRE-FREAKING-DICTABLE.
BOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOO, I say!
Here's what I wished happened:
In a surprise move, Logan, Shirin and Louise force their way back into the competition.
Logan switches it up by wearing GOLD jeans. Hubba hubba!
Someone puts Irina's finger in a bowl of water whilst she sleeps. (Tee hee!)
Christopher, although a peach of a person, is auf'd during shopping at Mood.
Tim Gunn does happy fists during the auf'ing.
Irina is also auf'd at Mood for being a complete bitch.
The whole world does happy fists during her auf'ing.
Johnny shows up and tries to confront the steamer,
but Tim Gunn grabs him by his "Liar Pants" and tosses him onto the street.
The runway is judged by Giselle, Bar Rafael, Agyness Deyn and Prince.
Bryant Park Contestants are: Louise, Gordana, Carol Hannah and Shirin.
(And I get to console Logan on his loss...)
On MOTR, Kojii and Katie return and double stick Kaylin to the wall in FIDM.
Tanisha gets a boob reduction and Lisa finally clears her throat.
The end.
(Thank you, thank you. Sorry, no autographs...)
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The show opens on the runway with Irina, Carol Hannah and Althea waiting for their instructions. Heidi stomps out and tells them that they are to make a 12-piece collection to show during Fashion Week. They have $9000 to complete this task.
Tim Gunn: "I'm coming to your houses, designers, so please clean it up."
Heidi: "I won't be there because I'm going
to go get knocked up by my husband, Whale."
Tim Gunn: "Seal."
Heidi: "Trust me..."
After Heidi and Tim exit the stage with some fantastic shadow box dancing,
the girls pack up and start their journeys home.
Althea lets us know that she's forgiving Irina for accusing her of copying her
over-sized sweater look. But she hasn't forgotten. Cuz she took her ginko.
(She didn't say that last bit, I'm just an ass.)
Can we just call a bitch a bitch here? Irina? The 80's called.
They want their over-sized sweater back.
You didn't create that look. So shut yer mouth hole.
"My look has been brought to you by Smug."
Time passes...
Carol Hannah is the first Tim Gunn stop!
"I heard that you were feeling ill, headache, fever and a chill.I came to help restore your pluck, I'm Tim Gunn and I like to sew. What?"
Tim peruses Carol Hannah's collection in progress...
Carol Hannah: "Are you worried?"Tim Gunn: "No, my chin's still cold. YES I AM WORRIED.
Why is that tutu up-the-heck-side-down?"
Carol Hannah: "Do you assert that it's bad?"
Tim Gunn: "Don't mock the master. But yes."
Carol Hannah explains that she's basing a lot of her collection
off the architecture of Duke University.
I see it! All that's missing from this building are some cap sleeves and a belt to cinch the bell tower...
Tim hates the matronly cape...
Tim Gunn: "It makes me think of Harriet Olsen from Little House on the Prairie."Carol Hannah: "I'll burn it immediately."
Then they head downstairs for some good old country cookin' in the burbs of NY.
Tim Gunn: "NO. JOKES."Carol Hannah: "I can't even look at you I'm gonna laugh so hard."
If Tim Gunn came to my house (ahem--apartment) and we got to cook together (even though my oven hasn't worked in over a year), here's the apron I'd ask him to wear:
TEE HEE!
(I don't get it ... why am I single again??)
Tim Gunn: "Your flowers look like bouquets of sliced of tomatoes!"
Carol Hannah's Mom: "I don't see it."
Carol Hannah's Dad: "Just nod dear. It's easier that way. Trust me."
Tim Gunn: "Listen, the weather outside is frightful, but Carol Hannah, you're so delightful."
Carol Hannah: "And since you have no place to go, let it snow, let it--"
Tim Gunn: "Shhh. No, I have to get back to the city. The burbs give me hives."
Next stop - Irina's on the upper east side of NYC:
Irina: "Hi, Todd."
Tim Gunn: "I still hate you."
Immediately, we meet Irina's dog, who is named Princess.
There is so much irony here, it's hard to put into words.
So I'll let the picture do it for me:
NOTE: All you see of the dog, pretty much sums up Irina.Ahem.
BAM. I typed it!
Irina explains to Tim that her creation is inspired by Coney Island.
"So what, are you making a new Hot Dog on a Stick outfit?Talk to me."
Irina shows him some print "boyfriend" graphic t-shirts that have Coney Island
on them. My inner alarm goes off. (Foreshadowing...)
And in a complete "surprise" move, more knits and hoodies!
"I half-assed this look. Get it? I made a funny."
Tim Gunn: "Even Jennifer (Eolin) won't wear this."Irina: "Like she matters."
Tim Gunn: "Good luck in life, Irina. You're going to need it."
Then Irina, like Carol Hannah, "surprises" Tim with her family and a meal.
(SERIOUSLY, PRODUCERS! CHANGE it up! Or at least don't make it a surprise,
cuz acting surprised is hard, and none of these folks can fake it that well...)
Heh-heh. I said "fake it."
Tim Gunn: "I'm faking it right now."
Next, Tim travels to Ohio to see Althea!
Althea lives in an old apartment loft type building
and there are no pics to illustrate one of the best moments of the show.
Tim gets in the old-timey elevator and exclaims, "Yikes. Egads!"
OH GRANDPA GUNN! I heart you.
Next time through in a "dab nabbit" for me, okay?
Althea: "What's it like outside? I never leave because I can't figure out the elevator."Tim Gunn: "Of course you can't."
Althea tells Tim that she's been inspired by sci-fi movies,
which I don't see anywhere....
Tim Gunn: "Why is everyone designing for Little House on the Prairie this year?"Althea: "It's science fiction Little House."
Tim Gunn: "I can't help but worry about you."
Home tours are now over!
Let the overly-produced phone call begin!
ANGRY FISTS!
There are no pictures to illustrate so I'll do the best I can with my words.
Tim Gunn places a phone call.
We see him sitting at his desk, this makes sense.
How off the cuff! Tim on the phone!
BUUUUUT... then it gets produced.
We see Irina answer the phone in her apartment.
HOW SET UP IS THIS!?
If this was true documentary format, we'd see Tim talking with the producers
as they look at the footage from the visit and hear them bring up,
"Isn't that picture of Coney Island on that t-shirt a copyrighted image?"
THEN they'd call her immediately and put her on speaker phone.
But no. We see the staged phone call and it sucks the life out of me
like Paris Hiltons sucks the hope for our youth out of society.
BOOOO.
Irina explains that she has a lot of work to do now that she can't use that image.
Whatever. Shut up. I just don't care about you.
Time passes...
NEW YORK CITY!!
Althea and Irina show up. No Carol Hannah yet...
Irina: "Hi."
Althea: "I still hate you."
They then have an awkward silence that is brilliant.
GREAT MOMENT, PRODUCERS.
Find more of those and put them in the show for Season 7, k?
Tim shows up and breaks the silence by letting them know that Carol Hannah is way sick. She's got a stomach virus that's contagious and she can't make it.
You can almost smell the happiness from Althea and Irina.
Carol Hannah is my fave to win this. I think they know she's their competition.
The next day... Logan shows up w/out his shirt and makes bacon.
I kid! Just in my dreams...
They are in the workroom and Carol Hannah finally makes it!
"I'm finally here! I'll try not to barf."
But I gotta say, Carol Hannah looks better sick than I do healthy.
GO GIRL! Rock that virus!
(I don't mean it that way... awkward. Moving on...)
I feel so bad for her... I can barely write this blog with a cold.
And she's gotta finish her collection for Bryant Park.
I just can't imagine.
Tim comes in to critique their collections thus far:
Tim Gunn: "Who's wearing this? Bea Arthur?"Althea: "Too soon, Tim. Too soon."
Tim Gunn: "Did you take your Pepto?"Carol Hannah: "Yes, Dad..."
Tim Gunn: "Just keep it simple, Carol Hannah."Carol Hannah: "Yeah, I like to futz."
Tim Gunn: "I know. You're a little futzer."
Carol Hannah: "I am. Tee hee!"
Tim Gunn: "Sorry, I just got my nails done."
He lets Irina know that her collection has a lot of black in it.
That's what she said!
(I couldn't resist...)
But Irina doesn't care in her typical smug fashion.
She really better not win...
MODEL CASTING DAY!
Althea: "I don't trust you."
Irina: "Good."Carol Hannah: "Just trying not to barf..."
After casting, the girls go back to the workroom.
And as if Carol Hannah didn't feel sick enough...
Nina and Disco Pumpkin show up.
Nina: "I'm wearing an exoskeleton."Kors: "And I'm wearing the same thing I've worn for 894085 years."
Nina: "And we are totally qualified to judge you people."
Kors: "TOTALLY qualified."
They sit down with the girls to give them advice on their lines.
Althea: "Is Kors still orange?"Carol Hannah: "Still orange."
Nina goes ahead and tells the girls that an all black collection
is hard to present on the runway.
"Who has an all black collection and a smug look on her face? Other than me? That girl does."
Irina lets us know that color has nothing to do with her collection
and she's keeping it as is. You know, cuz she's so smart and junk.
Next up, model fittings.
Whooppeeee.
I have to admit, I'm not really digging the 3 models going to Bryant Park.
So I'm moving on with the show...
Plus this section bored me.
Tanisha: "I'm in leatha."
Poor Carol Hannah is just trying to stay standing.
She still isn't anywhere near 100%.
My poor little Pocket Peanut!
And then... another "surprise" that as a viewer, I knew was coming.
Tim and Heidi show up and let them know that they have a 13th look to complete.
WOW, really? Shocker.
And even more of a (not) surprise is that Gordana, Christopher and Logan are on hand to help. WOOOO! LOGAN! TAKE IT OFF!
Ahem. Sorry.
I'm single.
Christopher: "I'm pretending to be happy."
Gordana: "Me too. Bitches. All of them."
Logan: "I'm thinking about the restraining order I'm taking out on Jennifer (Eolin) so my happiness is real, yo."
They pair up:
Irina and Gordana.
Althea and Logan.
Carol Hannah and Christopher.
Althea: "Hubba hubba."
Logan: "Give it a rest, already."
Tim lets them know that their muse models will cast the 13th model to go along with their look. (Let me guess, so they have content for Models of the Runway tonight??)
30 minutes to sketch, budget of $250.
Last trip to Mood!
"Don't sully the mecca of fabric!"
Thank you Moooooood!
And Swatch the dog! Squee!
Back in the work room, they work (boringly) for a few more hours then go home.
POOR CAROL HANNAH.
Girl spends the night in the can.
I hope her sickness doesn't keep her from winning!
Coming up next week:
More of the same!
Finally, a winner!
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If you missed it, my webseries is up and running!
And episode 1 features Project Runway model, Kojii Helnwein:
Part 2 comes out next week.
Two words: GUEST. JUDGES.
SQUEEEE!
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for more info and extras on the show.