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Current mood:  intense Category: Life
In my last blog, I mentioned the fire in my head not being able to overcome the coldness in my heart. It corresponds so appropriately with a conversation I had with my youngest daughter at lunch today and revealed to me a critical aspect I must change about myself.
Rachel asked me an odd question; she queried, "How exactly do you get along so well with people, Dad? I want to know because you are so good at it." To which I had to restrain myself from laughing -- and I'm sure many of you reading will have to as well. I thought to myself, I don't get along well with people. I smiled thinking how wonderful to still have the hero-status of "Dad."
Then I recalled a friend commenting about me more than fifteen years ago. He stated he believed why I got along so well with people was because I was honest about my own flaws, one of which was not getting along with people and therefore I made an extra effort. This made me perform a quick personal inventory of my current flaws, and I realized that as I have gotten older, more comfortable and more set in my ways that I have become more stubborn and that I make said effort far less often.
I tried to explain this idea to Rachel about knowing one's flaws and compensating for them, but the conversation turned to a set of examples that she would give and I tried to explain a better way to handle it. Then she'd give another what-if contingency... and this is when the real epiphany happened: she was a little version of me; and moreover, she was trying to win the conversation.
In a way I had never realized before, I recognized that with most of my conversations, I try to win. I treat communication like a competition. I either try to impress someone or show that I know more about something, or I just have to add my own "valuable perspective." It becomes worse if there is a disagreement, even if it is a minor one. I spend my time and effort building a case rather than building a bridge between us.
So, as most adults do, I know what to do; I know what is proper; I know how to behave. But since I aspire to not simply grow older but also grow wiser, I continue to struggle with means to move the knowledge of my head into the practice of my heart.
As I have embraced the idea of Fighting the Establishment to help others who are less fortunate than I, and as I attempt to practice the Serenity Prayer daily, I now pledge a new effort. I will follow the words of wisdom spoken by the half-brother of Christ; thus I will be quick to listen and slow to speak...at least I will try.
3:00 AM
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