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Current mood:  contemplative Category: Friends
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you need to apologize but it's not really that big of a deal? So you do it out of courtesy or social convention. This is the bumping-into-someone-in-the-supermarket kind of thing. We do this because there's no investment and it doesn't matter that much; it's simply easier to say "sorry" even though we may not really be at fault.
I think perhaps this is what an apology is - it is saying "sorry" or "I wish that hadn't happened" regardless of fault or blame. Although sometimes it is an admission of guilt, but it doesn't have to be. Perhaps that admission is better associated with remorse than with an apology.
With that in mind, I find it interesting (especially within myself) that often when we say we apologize for something, we don't simply stop there but continue to explain the circumstances which would alleviate us from blame. "I was so upset by that point I just couldn't go" or "If someone else had not done that thing then I would have..." In most cases, a simple "I'm sorry" would suffice.
Of course we are often asked "why" we did or didn't do that thing, but this should be kept separate from our apology. Otherwise it becomes this famous and rather common left-handed apology with the possibility of degrading to an explanation or argument.
On the flip-side, there are those over-the-top and I've-failed-you apologies. This is when someone rants vehemently about how bad they were and promises to never make that mistake again. "We are such good friends, and this is not what you should expect from a good friend. I have let you down so horrifically. I just want you to understand that I will make a forthright effort to monitor my own behave to ensure that this sort of thing...blah, blah, blah..."
Both methods become failed apologies and imply that you don't really have heart-felt sympathy. And that's what the apology is. It's caring and the empathetic desire that the circumstance had not occurred.
What we should do is imagine ourselves walking the path in the other person's moccasins, recognize their discomfort and understand that it was painful or difficult. Then we console them with the mysterious idea that fate should not have developed this way and say the magic words, "I'm sorry." If we do share in the responsibility, we need not explain it way to the other person, nor do we need to pledge personal growth. We should acknowledge it, but then save it back to examine on our own time.
So - in closing of this blog, if you feel this was five minutes wasted and you could have been doing something more useful, then I'm sorry.
6:30 PM
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