I could not tell you of all of my journeys for that would take an eternety, or maybe less, I'm not sure. I just know it would be a long time. I will, however, share with you one of my many disturbing tales.

   It all started as i was headed from Oregon to California. I will not give the name of the town because at this time it seems of little importance. So There i was in a small diner filled with morbidly obese hill folk. They all smelled of what could only be described as tree frog testicles dipped in shit pudding. I ignored all of this as soon as i saw on the overhead menu that these fucking brutes had deep fried cheese. "Dear sweet God!" I said aloud.

   Only problem was I had not brought enough change with me. I had $2.64 in my many places that i carry change, but, the fried cheese was $4.75. I had a delima, I would either have to go without, or risk frying my cheese inside one of the rotund retards.

 I scanned the room. All of them married? It couldn't be. I had to have these sticks of crunchy, heart murdering cheddar. Then SHE walsed in. The most disgusting, fantasticaly lonely, decrepid, horribly disfigured thing i had ever seen in my 20 years of existence. "Thats the one" I said to myself, heart beating for the fied sticks i had promised it and my stomache a mean 5 minutes ago.

 I walked up to her and said "Hello there beautiful", she had no retort. I thought it very possible that she may have been deaf in the one ear she had that looked of any use (The other looked as though it might have been genetically altered by generations of relations having relations,for none of the people looked as if the had stepped out the their own gene pool, ever), and with me not knowing sign language, that could have been a large problem.
    "What did you just call me?" She said
"B..beautiful" I choked out again, knowing every sound coming out of my word oraphis to be a lie in a and of itself. 
    "Well, well, well, aint you just tha cutestest lil' thang" she chuckled out of her turkey neck through her chapped and possibly fungi infested lips.
   "I can be for around....hmm i dunno (quickly doing the mental math) Two dollars and eleven cents."
 "Ah belive ah can oncomindate" she said.
 Although I had no idea what that last word she had flipped off her overly shortend tounge was supposed to be, I took as if she was saying YES. I didnt want to get to far away from the bar so i figured we would go into the bathroom, well, outhouse.
 
   As we walked passed all of the beer cans and rebel flags that paperd the parking lot I tould her how I take payment upfront everytime. She was mor than glad to give me exact change, which i couldn't complain about. I noticed she was breathing heavily when we were getting closer to the outdoor comode. I figured it a sign that she was either getting very exited about what was getting ready to transpire, or this was her firts time, either way i couldn't care less, all I wanted was my fucking fried cheese i had been waiting almost 15 minutes for now.

  We were about 8 feet from the door of the shit shack, when, to my extreem suprise she fell over. I tried to keep her steady but this gargantuan woman had to have weighed all of 650 pounds. Damn near pulled me down with her. I screamed for help. Two men came waddling out of the joint cigarettes ablaze and beer at hand. One of them leaned over and tried to get a pulse through the many layers of fatt moles and warts. "Shes dead" he exclaimed
 
     Minutes later an ambulance arrived. With only the driver getting out, I knew, I was going to have to lift this sea cow. I only call herthat because she had a tumor upon her face that looked like the noses of the creatures from the deep blue. The driver, whos name tag read 'billy-jon' all lowercase, examined her before reaching down her engorged face hole into her windpipe. Extracting from it a very large set of chicken bones, and when I say set, I mean the entire skelital structure of the chicken. This poor, poor creature had been chewing on an entire chicken this entire time, and about half way to the outhouse, tried swallowing its remaines.

   Descusting and tragic as it all was, I still had the stomache to walk back in the diner and order up my cheese. I'd almost swear to that beeing my best tasting food ever, but i woun't.