Humbly asked him to remove our short comings...
(7th Step Alcoholics Anonymous)
I understand what it's like to be humbled and humiliated but I've never had a good understanding of humility and being humble. Admittedly, my ego is huge. This has probably been the main factor in keeping me separate from other people and alone for most of my life.
Recently, I've been being shown just how big my ego is and exactly how humble I am not. I've found the best way to gauge personal growth is through relationships with other people. Luckily, I am aware enough to understand the things that I am being shown about myself that I don't like are the issues that I am meant to deal with. It's the next phase of my development as a human being and I am lucky enough to have an opportunity to change and grow as a person.
I have some good friends that like me enough to be honest and give me an objective view of myself. Because my head is usually so far up my own ass that I can't see the forest through the trees, I need people to tell me how I am viewed and how I come off to the rest of the world. Apparently I come off aloof, pissed off and unapproachable. Not a very flattering combination, no wonder I'm alone. The sad part is I am a really good person with a lot to offer and a lot of love to give. That is the part of myself that I want to present to the world. Its time to clear out those other negative attributes that no longer serve their purpose. This is where I am in life, these are the issues that I am working on and changing.
Meditate and Destroy...
(Noah Levine)
I've been being led to Buddhism and Zen of late. I'm just following my intuition, trusting my instincts. These philosophies lead you to the present moment. My life is busy, it moves very fast and the practice of meditation allows me to slow things down and remain in the present, to take a step back and see things for what they really are. It's very helpful in today's fast paced world. It's also helping me to objectively view my life and see the areas of it that need improvement.
The book Dharma Punx is a memoir of the life of Noah Levine. I really identified with his story: a young punk rock kid, on drugs, in and out of trouble and how he eventually turned his life around through Buddhism and meditation. It's a mixture of recovery, spirituality and punk rock, the same 3 things that make up most of my life today. I recently had an opportunity to attend a workshop which was lead by Noah. It was a meditation and lecture on compassion and forgiveness.
I've spent 1/3 of my life in recovery. I am very aware of the people I have harmed and who I need to make amends to. I'm very aware of my shortcomings and my resentments and how my shortcomings create resentments. My understanding of the mechanics of the processes involved will do nothing to stop the cycle of self-centered fear that leads to resentment and hurt unless I deflate my ego and become humble. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.
Three of us took the 2 hour trip up the New Jersey Turnpike for the workshop. My friend AJ had been on retreat with Noah so they already knew each other. When we arrived at the yoga center (where the workshop was being held), Noah and another guy Rich were hanging out front. Noah was very down to earth, humble and approachable, all the things I've been wanting for myself. I knew I was in the right place.
The workshop began with everyone introducing themselves to break down the barriers we all have and to bring a deeper level of comfort. It's very difficult for a room full of strangers to relax and let go. We all have programmed defenses that are meant to keep us safe in unfamiliar environments. This was the first step to breaking them down.
After the introductions we began the meditation. We were being guided to connect with people that we have resentments against and/or negative feelings towards and to send them compassion and forgiveness. I was reviewing the list of usual suspects, the people I had hurt and who have hurt me over the years. This is a process I've done many times over the last decade and I pretty much have forgiven or been forgiven by most of these people. So I started to focus on why I am here, focusing on deflating my ego and becoming more humble and approachable. I was reaching out spiritually and asking for guidance. I am ready to stop the pain of isolation and open up to allow others in.
While the first part of the meditation was done sitting, the second part was a walking meditation. It was a beautiful March afternoon. It was in the 60's, bright, sunny and warm. Approximately 20 people slowly and quietly walked out into a North Jersey strip mall parking lot contemplating the mystery that is their life. Initially I was struck by the surreal nature of this experience. It reminded me of a scene from Night of the Living Dead. More accurately is was: The Day of the Awakening Buddha's.
I brought my focus back to the task at hand, deflating my ego and becoming humble. I walked out into an area of the parking lot that was away from other people as not to disturb their experience. While I was walking slowly looking down at the ground in quiet reflection I came across a little plastic toy with no head. Instantly, I knew the little guy was a representation of me and he was my message.
I bent down and picked up the toy. As I held it in my hand, I literally just touched it with my finger and it completely fell apart in my hand. The front became separated from the back and the arms and legs fell away. A few pieces fell through my fingers and landed back on to the ground. I let the pieces go that initially fell to the ground and held on to the remaining pieces as I continued to walk and contemplate the deeper meaning of the toy and what it represented to me and my life. When the walking meditation was over and we all went back inside and I threw away the remaining pieces. I spent the rest of the meditation, talk and most of the next day contemplating the meaning behind my experience.
The Knight in Rusty Armor...
(Robert Fisher)
The message I was being given breaks down like this: The fact that the toy was already missing its head represented the fact that once my ego is removed I will then be able to start to break down the armor I have built over the years. The initial spark of recognition of what was happening allowed for a few pieces of the armor to fall away. My ego's need to over analyze everything caused me to hold onto most of the pieces of the armor while I was attempting to intellectualize my epiphany. I could have let everything go right then and there, the message was clear, but still I needed to hold on to some of the broken pieces of armor until I was entirely ready to let them go. It was a metaphor for my entire recovery and spiritual life.
My armor was built over the years to protect me from past hurts and being hurt again in the future. It was initially built to mask my insecurities and fears. Then after I bottomed out with drugs and alcohol, I was humbled and humiliated. I was left extremely vulnerable as I started the process of recovery. The walls I built then to protect me while I worked on myself were even bigger and stronger then before and continued to keep me separate and attached to suffering. It was just another defense mechanism, another symptom of my disease.
all over the country I've seen it the same
nobody's winning at this kind of game
we've got to do better it's time to begin
you know all the answers must come from within so...
come on and take a free ride
come on and sit here by my side
come on and take a free ride...
(Edgar Winter)
In my search for happiness I have tried sex, drugs, Rock and Roll, exercise, food, money and anything else I thought would make me feel good. I have also explored many different brands of spirituality only to find that happiness is as fleeting as sadness. When I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I just AM. In those moments there is nothing, just me, just John. All my life I've just wanted to be OK with myself. That's what I have been searching for, just being in the moment and being OK with myself and all that I am, was and will ever be.
At different times I have been drawn to different things, it is all part of my journey. Now I am being guided back to myself in the form of quiet reflection. It's a paradox, as is most of recovery. Only silent meditation will bring and end to my isolation.