It is the penis that brings the womens, yes?

Fucking David Cronenberg. I understand he's not doing much these days, but does every single one of his movies have to end in a sequel teaser?  A History of Violence was an awesome movie, but really, was it so damned difficult to just end it on a certain, semi-unequivocal note? These obvious ploys—like the open-ended endings—make me seriously want to hurt the man.

Eastern Promises was a decent movie, if a little on the hokey side. It's about Russian Mafioso, or whatever the hell they're called in Russian. Mafyiskovic, or something. There's an awful lot of gore-porn killing, which is okay by me, but otherwise the plot was wanting. I'm not precisely sure what the "promises" were, either, unless it was an implicit guarantee of all the Viggo Mortensen penis you could possibly handle. In that case, Eastern Promises delivers big time.

Seriously, I this movie has more Aragorn wiener than my daydreams after I saw The Fellowship of the Ring. For a natural-born King, the man doesn't have a whole lot in the one-handed weaponry department, by which I tactfully mean to say he has a small penis.

Naomi Watts put in a sort of wimpish performance, possibly because there weren't any giant gorillas present. The content warning of graphic sexuality made me hopeful of at least some visible Wattsian areolae, but, again, it was only Viggo Mortensen's penis.

So, in short, if you want to be interested, appalled, then disappointed, go rent Eastern Promises. You could do worse, as far as Cronenberg movies go, and plus—Viggo Mortensen penis.