THE RULES TO PLAYING A GUITAR

1. LISTEN TO THE BIRDS That's where all
the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound
and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly
really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.

2. YOUR GUITAR IS NOT REALLY A GUITAR Your guitar is a divining
rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A
guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.

3. PRACTICE IN FRONT OF A BUSH Wait until the moon is out, then
go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush.
If the bush doesn't shake, eat another piece of bread.

4. WALK WITH THE DEVIL Old delta blues players referred to
amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an
equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from
the other side. Electricity attracts demons and devils. Other
instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper.
A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.

5. IF YOU'RE GUILTY OF THINKING, YOU'RE OUT If your brain is
part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning
man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you
have something that is fur bearing.

6. NEVER POINT YOUR GUITAR AT ANYONE Your instrument has more
power than lightning. Just hit a big chord, then run outside to hear
it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.

7. ALWAYS CARRY YOUR CHURCH KEY You must carry your key and use
it when called upon. That's your part of the bargain. Like One String
Sam. He was a Detroit street musician in the fifties who played a
homemade instrument. His song "I Need A Hundred Dollars" is warm pie.
Another church key holder is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar
player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty making you want
to look up her dress to see how he's doing it.

8. DON'T WIPE THE SWEAT OFF YOUR INSTRUMENT You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

9. KEEP YOUR GUITAR IN A DARK PLACE When you're not playing your
guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your
guitar for more than a day, be sure to put a saucer of water in with it.

10. YOU GOTTA HAVE A HOOD FOR YOUR ENGINE Wear a hat when you
play and keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a
roof on your house the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to
have a wet paper towel around it to make it grow.

CAPTAIN BEEFHEART