What do I think about now?
It's Friday, or you can say late Thursday night,
January 18th, 2008.
2:54 am as I write this.
I have been going through what I call a transition
since the turn of the New Year.
To be honest, which I do value myself w/ that virtue, its been………………………a transition.
A guilty conscience pushes the honesty to the surface and can only hold the illusion of self for so long.
The truly guilty are the honest that live with regret and seek
atonement.
The guilty conscience keeps fears and control issues balanced
Yet they do sway,
At times.
The balance of it all.
Does your conscience experience guilt?
What do I think about now?
Its hard to say.
My feelings have been wrapped in thoughts
as my thoughts have been wrapped in a numbness and a humbleness.
Knowing that I know enough to know that I do not know that much.
I ask, "WHO here does"?
What do I feel right now?
That is a question that I ask myself.
Sitting,
Typing,
My dog chewing on the largest soup bone I have ever purchased.
It's pretty ridiculous.
A good way to take care of man's best friend.
Anyways…………………..,
The New Year has come and I am in transition.
Letting go.
A year which has passed w/ gallons and gallons of water passing through my soul.
Rivers washing away the years of lost and sadness.
Confusion.
Regret.
Loneliness.
Alienation.
Heavy EGO.
The Fear.
The blue boy of have been.
What have I learned in one year.
Two years,
Three years.
In All of your years
What have you learned?
I ask people.
How are YOU prepared for the worst?
My mom always said to EXPECT the worst because if the worst does not happen you are not as disappointed.
Why have expectations?
Why have expectations?
I now ask my mother.
Why have EXPECTATIONS?
Oh, the pain of expecting.
What have you learned in
12 months
365 days
8765.81277 hours
31556926 seconds?
31 million,
556 thousand,
926 seconds?
What are you doing this second?
Reading this?
Well thank you for your time.
How many of those seconds have I let waste in one year?
If life is lived in moments, are they wasted in seconds?
Second and Seconds and seconds.
Passing by………………………..
What do I think about now?
This moment filled w/ seconds.
Running in circles trying to find truth and answers to the magnificent world and mysteries of Love.
Why must one be at their weakest and in the most lost and vulnerable state of states when the rarest peace and balance that one may experience intersects the path that has been followed?
Why do we hold onto the pain?
Why do we make excuses for our pain?
Why are we victims?
Is it the training of a warrior yet born?
The peaceful warrior of love?
How are you prepared for the worst?
That moment when your everything is lost in seconds.
Seconds Passing by.
Never skipping a beat..
Rushing through the hourglass of constant consistent change.
Faster and faster.
The sap of pain covering the skin of the soul.
Your skin.
Your soul.
In eyes.
Thick in hair.
Dripping slowly and sticky.
Suffocating and blinding.
Very tired as one must rest and dream of the transcendence of an ancient tree in a forest dead in time.
The lightness of dreams and love.
The idea of easiness.
The idealism.
The freedom to breathe again.
United we stand,
Divided we fall.
I fall?
You fall?
I stand or you fall?
You stand or I fall?
Or we both stand?
Side by side.
Equal.
Eyes to Eyes.
The illusion of love and what we love.
Is love the illusion?
I am alone.
Freedom I have.
Braking through the bars.
Bars and bars and bars and bars………………
Gay bars,
Straight bars,
White bars,
Black bars,
Girl bars,
Boy bars,
Holy bars,
and
Jail bars.
What do I think right now?
This moment filled w/ seconds.
Right now this moment I miss the touch of a love once held in me.
Right now this moment I am void yet full w/ thee.
What have I learned in two years or three years?
Four years or Five years?
Six years
and more have gone.
Years which pass where demons meet
Brain to heart,
I to I,
and the greatest wars
have taken place
inside.
Battles of the past and present.
Battles of the right and not so right.
Battles of freedom and slavery.
Battles of fear and love.
Battles of peace and war.
Battles of light and dark.
A battle deep inside where eyes can not see.
A battle that is lived and a battle that is received.
Battles that make us think, feel, and believe.
A war of boys into men.
Fairytale ideals and fantasies shifted into the wisdom and insight for the ages.
How do I feel right now in this moment?
I miss my love.
I miss my love.
I miss my love.
I wonder as a wanderer in this evolving landscape of thought and emotion.
Memories are all we have.
Pictures I hold that take me to a great park filled w/ roses where Shakespeare's name is carved into a fountain .
For lovers so lovers can love
And love and love.
Young innocent untainted love.
I miss my love.
The laughter resonates inside and echoes through my mind.
Through my heart.
Every memory has been sown and colors etched within every action.
Every do and do and do and thought and thought and thought and
I shall and must be silent now.
The effort to heal and move forward.
The dreaming to change.
The hope to………………
I miss you.
I am alone now.
Filled w/ the joy of experience and growth.
The gratitude of surviving and getting all the way through.
Where do I go now.
Where do I grow now?
We once had a dream and now it carries in the wind where tornadoes land.
Where will the dream land?
What do I think about now?
Its hard to say.
My feelings have been wrapped in thoughts as my thoughts have been wrapped in a numbness and humbleness.
Knowing that I know enough to know that I don't know that much.
and
I ask,
"WHO here does"?
What do I feel right now?
That is a question that I ask myself.
Sitting,
Typing,
My dog chewing on the largest soup bone I have ever purchased.
It's pretty ridiculous.
A good way to take care of man's best friend.
Anyways…………………..,
It's Friday, or you can say late Thursday night, on January 18th, 2008.
3: 51 a.m. as I finish this and
I,
I miss,
I miss my,
I miss my love.
This is the moment I feel
filled w/ seconds.
Sweet dreams,
in my dreams.
Strawberry kisses and a galaxy far far away.