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Question to Sexpert
Timaree:....
“So, my grandma died
three years ago and while it was really hard on my grandpa, he’s moved on and
is planning to start dating again. He’s quite popular with several of the older
neighborhood ladies. This is really weird to ask, but do I need to have a talk
with him about dating in the modern world? I doubt he’s thought about sexually
transmitted diseases for forty years. I read something about HIV spreading at
nursing homes and immediately thought of my grandpa. How do I talk about sex to
the guy who taught me how to play catch?”....
Hold still while I pin this tastefully tacky “World’s Best
Grandkid” ribbon on your polo. You’re
fucking A right Gramps needs to be prepared to re-enter the dating (and
presumably sexing) atmosphere. Now, it would be naïve to assume he didn’t already
know the rudiments: sexually transmitted
infections (STIs) have existed since the first dirty cave people realized
that rubbing up against each other felt awesome. However, there are a number of reasons
elderly folks are actually at an increased
risk for trouble and he might need to brush
up on some of the finer points of avoiding what he probably called “venereal
disease.”
For those of us born in the 80s and later, HIV has always
been a threat. It has been in the public consciousness for our entire lives and
therefore, we’re more likely to use condoms than older age groups. For Gramps,
though, condoms were something that sailors needed when they looked for “good time
girls” and sex workers, not what you use when you make it with the widow
next door.
Further, because decreased vaginal lubrication after
menopause, it’s actually easier to get an STI for an elderly person. And they
often wait much longer between sexual health exams, meaning something can go
undiagnosed for years. And considering your grandparents were married so long,
there’s a real possibility he has never had to learn HOW to perform safer sex
practices like putting on condoms.
Promiscuity and
STI rates among seniors are increasing and there’s no reason to suspect
this trend will slow as the self congratulatory Boomers slide into this phase
of life. Thanks to Viagra and Cialis and their ilk, Gramps can look forward to
years of potential boots-knockin with the little old ladies nearby, but he
needs to know what to do to avoid becoming one of the 10%
of new HIV cases that are people over 50.
One thing I want to impress upon you is that although your
concern and willingness to help mean you can do a great deal to lead Gramps in
the right direction, it IS a little awkward for you both to do the actual
education. He might learn more if you point him towards the information, rather
than instruct him personally. There are sexuality
educators available who work with seniors whom he won’t have ever diapered,
and they will gladly help answer
his questions.
What you can do:
-look into programming at the local senior center or
retirement home and ask if they already have sexually education available.
-contact a local sexual health clinic, Planned Parenthood or
health department and ask what is available nearby for Gramps
-show Gramps a few websites about having a healthy sex life as a
senior and dating for people who haven’t
done so in awhile.
-get pamphlets on sexual health in general, using condoms
and talking about safer sex with partners from your doctor, health clinic or
Planned Parenthood and give them to Gramps. You can either leave them where he
will find them (good plan) or talk to him about how you know he’s about to
start dating again and you want him to know about some stuff that has happened
since he was last a free agent (better plan). Be prepared to get rebuffed and
assure yourself you did the right thing.
Good luck!
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