Laughing it up at the Hemlock 12/18/04


C: Good evening, elves and labia menorahs!

M: And if it becomes majora is it still Jewish?

C: Not if the mohel gets ahold of his little snippy clippers. Ow.

M: I want to point out that we have not yet saluted certain traditional fictitious creatures that characterize the celebration of Kwanzaa and I learned when I was small to feel bad about that, so Im sorry.

C: Mitzi, remember when we went to comedy traffic school to pay off that misdemeanor?

M: I will love that man until my dying day. Gary P. OLafferty. Will you marry me????

C: Remember what Gar told us about opening up a show with an apology? We used to always start our comedy shows with a heartfelt apology.

M: Sometimes regarding our lack of material, sometimes regarding the fact that we had booked ourselves as The Mommies when we werent actually The Mommies at all.

C: And now we are banned from performing in Marin County at nearly every club, café, deli, church and community center.

M: Or juice bar. Or fellowship hall.

C: We went to that comedy traffic school and what we walked away with, besides not ever attempting to make a Y turn in a parking spot, was how to start shows on a low note.

M: For all the red flags going up out there, we dont own a car, but Caroles dad does. And were grounded for another year.

C: it was nine years ago tonight that we were coming out of Target, excited by the purchase of a new electric griddle. I had had a little to drink earlier so I was letting Mitzi drive. Mistake number one.

M: There were so many cars in that parking lot. All the spaces were full and there were more cars circling the joint like sharks. I got nervous. I didnt think I would ever get out if I tried to back out.

C: I had fully reclined my seat and was dozing.

M: Caroles dads car is a compact, really small, does anyone else here drive a Scirocco? Anyway, when I knew I would never be able to back out of the spot

C: This is still debatable, you didnt even try.

M: Well, I got over the regret of not backing in and figured I could just turn around in the spot by doing a series of two-point turns.

C: So technically the car was being put in reverse, moving a couple inches, then forward a couple, then back, and forward, what I would guess was ad nauseum if I had been awake.

M: There came a point when I had moved the car so it was perpendicular to the cars on either side of me.

C: I woke up thinking we were home when in fact the engine had been cut and Mitzi was smoking a cigarette. The front end of the Scirocco was pushed up against the passenger side door of a Ford Windstar, and the back end abutted a Subaru Justy. Were stuck, she said.

M: I was gathering myself.

C: I grabbed the cigarette out of her hand because for one, Mitzi doesnt smoke, and for two, smoking is not allowed in my dads car. Ever. That added another year to our punishment right there because he could smell it later. I got outta the car, escorted Mitzi to the passenger side, and took over operations from there.

M: Without a cigarette I had no vice and had to face the consequences of my actions. But then I remembered we had just bought five jumbo bags of peanut M&Ms and so I lost myself in tiny chocolates.

C: And I got us the hell out of there. I started with a gentle nudge to the Windstar, and another one back to the Justy. There was no play to work with. I had to push the cars away. I really gave it.

M: She bet me she could do it in four shoves.

C: I lost my shirt on that one. It took me a lot of shoving but every inch I gained made me hungry for more. I wanted to feel that car move. We finally got out of the spot and to my surprise

M: A crowd had gathered. Cut to an hour later, were in those plastic cuffs that look like zip ties, waiting for the REAL cops to show up, not the crappy Target jerkoffs.

C: Were sitting there with some low-level teenage shoplifter, they take the usual polaroids, and needless to say, after a lengthy court battle, we have some hefty fines and traffic school.

M: Her dad paid the fines but whoa boy we are paying in rubies for this one. Technically the state of California returned our licenses after one year, but Caroles dad grounded us from car privileges for ten years. So hes holding our licenses for one more year as of tonight. That man rules with an iron fist.

C: We deserved it. When he doles out punishment we take it like men. No whiners. I see the word whiners typed out very large, encircled by a red circle, and then a line coming in at a diagonal across it, which means, No Whiners. Got that?

M: Can I whine about Christmas a little bit?

C: Seg to the ue, Fitzsimmons, seg to the ue. We may veer off into uncharted or unplanned material, but this one always brings us back with her siren song.

M: Christmas! Its earlier every year! I say we start shopping in June! Pipe in the white christmas at the grocery store year round so were never out of the mood.

C: And whats up with kids toys these days? You need a battery to run the battery that comes inside the remote control for that miniature version of the computer game you can get on your cell phone walkie talkie

M: With three-way calling capability. I need to make an emergency breakthrough!

C: And what about office Christmas parties? Neither of us have ever worked in an office but we did pick up some extra hours this holiday season by scooping cashew chicken for the good people at a large semi-conductor corporation which shall remain nameless.

M: These people live complicated lives! Maybe its just funny from the outside.

C: Well as you might expect the mood really changes after everyone has had a couple drinks.

M: We had funny thing happen. I had been moved down the steam table to the ham slicing station.

C: I had signed up for ham

M: On a sheet she printed out at Kinkos

C: Either way, I had signed up for ham and EVERYONE knew I wanted it.

M: But the buffet manager never saw her sign and I wasnt about to hand it to her on a platter.

C: A ham platter! Where I come from there is a measure of prestige ascribed to the position of ham slicer. I saw your bogarting the ham platter as an assault on my sense of justice and desire for status in a system recognized only by myself but important nonetheless.

M: None of us lasted too long on that buffet line once the foreman arrived. Apparently hes always wanted to be a stunt man, and nothing calls out to a man with the stunt bug more than some low-hanging chandeliers and a champagne fountain.

C: I got booted in the back of the neck, which lucky for everyone, Im used to whatwith Mitzi around, but it all devolved from there.

M: I had known an office environment, or even an event filled with people who work in an office, would be funny. Think about all the comics devoted to offices: Dilbert, Cathy, Prince Valiant.

C: But we had no idea that humor would have its painful side. We expected jokes about the copy machine, a tipsy office manager, but as soon as we saw the fear and hatred bloom in the eyes of those people, we knew we had to get out of there.

M: And back to our apartment. Where Christmas is celebrated peacefully.

C: With a full gallon of pancake batter and some blackout curtains we bought from a motel supply website.

M: My routine is that I usually wake up on the early side because I have been designated the Gatherer of the Blueberries.

C: If you havent read our fan site yet, you might not know that we only eat pancakes.

M: Once a year, on Christmas morn, we add a few handfuls of blueberry to that batter. Thats why Im up and in the frozen foods section of Safeway at dawn.

C: Mitzi loves anything thats frozen. Except pancakes, which according to the Golden West rule, must always be fresh.

M: Thats why, when weve put one too many on the griddle, we make a charitable donation to the citys indigent, transient and nomadic population.

C: Say Ive put too many on my plate

M: AGAIN!

C: Instead of pigging out and vomiting under the couch cushions

M: AGAIN

C: It finally dawned on us that we could scoop the uneaten portions off of our plates and distribute them to the needy.

M: Well, the needy need to be the quick needy because it is cold in December.

C: If you dont walk by our front door within about five minutes, youre shit out of pancakes!

M: it may not sound like the holiday spirit to you guys, but were taking it one day at a time.

C: One day a year.

M: And for one night only

C: we are

M: Mitzi Fitzsimmons and

C: Carole Murphy.

M: Peace on earth

C: Goodwill toward all creatures.

M&C: See you next year.