As featured at www.velvetmafia.com
www.velvetmafia.comFrom Emanuel Xavier's Introduction in the reprint of Christ Like:
The main character of this novel is as melodramatic as people sometimes are in their teens and early twenties. Mikey was, by all means, naive and thwarted emotionally. He fell in love with a crack addict and eventually became a minor drug dealer and developed a bad habit himself.
Mikey was not interested in politics or the world around him. He came of age during Republican rule when Ronald Reagan was still President of the United States for eight years followed by George H. W. Bush. Around him—AIDS had already changed the way people engaged in sex; terrorists began hijacking planes; The Space Shuttle Challenger exploded within minutes of take off; savings and loan institutions went bankrupt; white police officers were recorded beating a black motorist leading to racially charged riots; and The USSR dissolved into individual autonomous countries.
Sometimes not caring is the only way to survive.
In a perfect world, no child would ever have to experience coming of age with so much pain and conflict. This does not justify Mikey’s actions or absolve him from his crimes but it should at least grant him the permission to be angry and tragic.
Writing Christ Like was a soul-searching experience. Even while reading it over again for this reprint, I had to go back in time and realize how far I have come spiritually and emotionally.
Those of us who have survived sexual abuse understand our own difficult journey into acceptance. Without poverty, prejudice and struggle, there is already enough to overcome as individuals.
While I was out on the streets being ‘Mikey’, I did my best to find love and keep it alive in my heart. In writing this novel, it was my hope that others could learn to forgive and love themselves whatever challenges they may have had to face while coming of age. In reprinting Christ Like, it is my hope that we can also look back and laugh at ourselves. We often put ourselves through so much shit but, in the end, we all deserve to find peace and happiness.
—Emanuel Xavier
May 2009
Woes of the Pharisees
Eventually, they all decided to get the same tattoos to signify their commitment to one another. A two-inch letter X was inked in gothic letters, confined by two tribal lines running parallel around their left arms. Dominick, venturing into the art of body piercing, now exhibited a silver hoop impaled into his left eyebrow. Never a step behind, Damian showed up to The Sanctuary one night with a silver stud through his tongue.
Then there came the day when the whole New York City nightlife no longer intrigued them. Their predictable evenings would leave them becoming more irritable and vindictive than ever after the drugs-and-boredom induced haze of the night. They would scan the clubs for new faces, not the familiar ones, who would walk around wondering whether they had slept with one another. The only battle left in their quickly fading lives was adjusting some stray wisps of hair in the bathroom mirrors.
They traveled together into the outer boroughs on the prowl with the questing look of those desperate to find adventure. Mikey, the outer borough gay club connoisseur, introduced them to Hatfield’s in Queens. There, they terrorized everyone with bitchy comments, even resident drag diva Jessica Foxx. They assaulted the guidos at Spectrum out in Bensonhurst and started riots in Long Island.
Soon enough, their reign of terror stretched out as far as South Beach down in Florida where underneath the curious moon and stars, Damian finally questioned his belief in love.
After a two-year relationship, Damian and Hector were no longer a couple. Damian had been caught sleeping with one of their friends. Hector, devastated and wounded, retired from the nightlife altogether, though he remained Father of the House of X. Damian was still allowed to stay in the House of X but Hector scarcely tolerated him as a friend.
“I know I fucked up!” Damian told Dominick and Mikey.
The three of them were sitting somewhere on an empty beach while Jorge was out getting laid. The darkness, the solitude, the sand reminded Mikey of his nightmares and made him feel slightly uncomfortable. The light from cigarettes and joints cast ominous shadows on their tanned bitter faces. Damian’s sudden flash of vulnerability made him look even more strikingly handsome to Mikey. Damian appeared almost human. This moment bound for one of those memories Mikey would remember in future years.
“I never meant to hurt him!” Damian continued, lost in his own thoughts while Mikey silently listened to the crashing waves.
“Two men should be able to have sex with other people without loving each other any less,” Dominick suggested while staring morosely out into the ocean. “Why are gay couples trying so hard to be like breeders? Even they can’t stick to monogamy with the right to marry and kids.”
The silence that followed seemed long enough to shatter. Mikey looked up at him with uncertainty—baffled, irritated, depressed.
“You know it’s really hard to have a one-on-one relationship with someone when you can’t sleep with other people!” Damian thought aloud.
“That’s not a relationship!” Mikey flared up like an ignited match.
At that moment, Mikey hated the selfishness of his friends. Unwillingly, he forced out a chuckle to evade the stunned pause that followed his sudden outburst.
“Love is something special shared between two people, not a party of five!” Mikey found himself saying, wondering if his vulnerability was not his own worst enemy. He was surprised at his own statement.
Their silence was profound.
“I hear ya mama! I once believed in love too!” Dominick jumped in. “But when you’ve been hurt over and over again you just can’t help but become bitter and jaded.”
Mikey brightened, discovering an unintended hint of Dominick’s lingering love for Frankie and possibly even Damian.
“Now here!” Dominick handed Mikey a joint, “Smoke this and you’ll feel much betta!”
Mikey reluctantly took his advice, allowing himself to relax so that the conversation would continue.
“At first, I was just using Hector to get into the House of X,” Damian admitted. “I learned to love him but I guess I was never really ‘in love’ with him. I kept telling him that I wanted an open relationship because I wasn’t sure I was ready to settle down with him but every time I brought up the subject, he would shut me up and buy some expensive gift. Hector always treated me like I was some stupid kid and never really wanted to listen to anything I had to say. I might’ve used him at first but he used me too. I was like his trophy wife. I was supposed to look great by his side all the time but never think for myself.”
“Why’d you stay with him?” Mikey asked.
“I don’t know. Why’d you stay with Jorge?”
“I was only with Jorge for several months not several years and I never cheated on him!” Mikey said defensively. “I never moved in with him either! But I guess I know where you’re coming from. I thought I would eventually fall in love with him too. It just never happened.”
They sat in silence, listening to the crashing waves while smoking more weed before Damian continued.
“I never meant to hurt him!” Damian started to cry much to the shock of his friends. “I kind of liked the fact that he tried to daddy me. I never met my real father, you know? But it’s really hard for me to get that close to anyone. I always end up finding some way to fuck it all up!”
With these tears, Mikey realized how much he had in common with them. The conversations continued to unfold throughout the course of the night with more curious reactions and revelations as the marijuana thinned their minds. The waves created a soft breeze adding to this rare bonding moment.
© 2009 Emanuel Xavier