Dear friends,
Up until about 6 months ago, I openly shared my life, and all of its adventures with you, my fellow fishing friends and outdoor lovers. I did this through my photos, videos, and the personal communications that I had with many of you.
Fishing, and the Outdoors IS my life. So sharing my photos, videos and blogs with you was really letting you into the personal world of Marcia Rubin.
I know many of you are avid followers of me and my career, and I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful that makes me feel. I have received a countless number of emails from my friends/fans who were concerned. It is to you that I owe an explanation for my extended silence.
I’ve made the decision to open up my life to you on a very different, much more personal level. After all, you have shown your deep and continued level of commitment to me, it is only fair that I offer you the same. So here it goes….
As many of you already know, I have had to face a lot of challenges in my life. I have repeatedly survived my biggest fears. Not only survived, but as a result became a much better person for having to cope with all of the loss that I have experienced from such a young age.
And like I had just told a friend of mine who was having a difficult time…. “Without life’s trying times and emotional and physical challenges, you would be robbed of the opportunity to grow as a human on a personal, physical and spiritual level.”
Friends… this has been the motto of my life, as I have managed to take every curve ball ever thrown at me to make me a better, wiser, stronger, and more compassionate human being. Basically, I learned the art of stopping to smell the flowers when I was just 6 years old. This was when my Father died. He was only 38 years old.
My losses continued, and I continued to grow on every level. I share this with you not to get your pity, but rather to inspire you to take advantage of these trying times to “grow”. Seriously, what is the alternative if you choose not to take this path of enlightenment? It is a life of bitterness, blame and self pity. Personally, I would rather work on becoming the best that I can be, and help others to do the same through example.
I could seriously write a book, and actually many have suggested it. Maybe one day. But just to give you a taste of the loss that I have experienced (without going into serious detail)…
I have lost those that I was closest to…. My Dad, Mom, Birth Father, Grandfather, Step Father, my first husband and my second husband.
I understand loss and grieving on a level that very few people will ever experience. And yes, even after all of this loss, I remained the ultimate optimist who never thought twice about stopping to smell the flowers. After all, you never do know if this may be the last opportunity you will ever have to smell them.
You may be wondering why I am talking about all of the loss the I have experienced. To be honest, I may be doing it more for my sake than yours, as I am once again attempting to battle another major curveball, and reminding myself that I have survived through some very difficult times.
Well, just like my stories that I share with you face to face tend to go on and on, it would appear that my writing style is guilty of the same… lol I’ll be the first to admit that listening to one of my stories can be quite the adventure, as you really never know where it’s going, or for that matter, if it will ever end… lol
I can’t just get to the “meat” of it… I have to provide precise detail… to take your mind on my journey, and experience exactly what I had experienced. People have always said that they love talking to me because of my animation and visuals that I love to create. So basically, if you are in a hurry… then you better not open up the can of worms and start talking about fishing , or anything else I am passionate about…. Cuz you may be there for a while J
Alright, well on that note…. Here is what has been going on with me…
I was a passenger in a car that was involved in a car accident almost two years ago. I ended up with 2 herniated discs in my neck. After a year of Doctor visits, anti-inflammatories and physical therapy, my pain was not getting any better, as the matter of fact, it continued to get worse. My right arm, shoulder and hand ached beyond belief. I also was dealing with 3 of my fingers, parts of my hand and arm that were constantly tingling, as well as my right arm and hand feeling extremely klutzy and weak.
Feeling like there were no other options to get my health back on track, I made an appointment with a Neurosurgeon who informed me that surgery was necessary. The MRI had shown multiple areas of my spinal cord were being compressed by these herniated discs. She explained that as long as the pressure from these herniated discs were on my spinal cord, I would continue to suffer the way that I had been suffering.
At this point I was pretty desperate for relief, so I scheduled the surgery.
A friend of mine had a friend who had a similar surgery, and he told me that she ended up with a “messed up voice”.
I mentioned my concern to my Doctor, and she totally eased my fears when she put her arm around me and said, “You have nothing to worry about…I have been doing this for over 20 years, and have never had a patient suffer from any permanent damage to their vocal cords from this surgery.”
She told me that I “may be a bit hoarse after surgery, but it would resolve itself quickly..”
I explained to her that “talking” is what I do best. Not only am I good at it, but it truly is at the heart of my career. Not many people can say that they get paid to travel the country and talk about their biggest passion in life. I am one of the lucky ones.
Not only that, but I will soon be Co-Hosting a new National Television show that we are shooting in Spring 2010.
After voicing my concerns to her, I kind of felt like she felt that I made a much bigger deal about my voice then was necessary. She reassured me, “you have nothing to worry about…. Nothing is going to happen… you and your voice will be fine.”
Alright, well maybe I was too concerned over “nothing”… but still, the thought of losing my voice was absolutely petrifying on so many levels..
February 2009... I have my surgery. As I awoke, I immediately noticed that the unbearable ache in my arm was gone. It was still tingly and klutzy feeling, but the ache was gone. I was SO happy.
My throat hurt SO bad and I was so sick from the general anesthesia. They kept me on some serious pain killers, so I honestly have no memory of what my voice sounded like in the hospital.
The one memory I do have was attempting to take my first sip of water and choking like I was going to die. I thought it was just a result of the pain killers, and my body just being lazy about swallowing.
They really pushed me to drink before they would even consider discharging me, so once again, I took a sip of water and had the same experience of choking really bad.
I did much better with food than I did liquids when it came to choking. I really didn’t know why I was choking.
They finally let me go home the next day. Once I was off of the IV pain killers, I was better able to communicate. My throat hurt so bad, so I really didn’t do a lot of talking. But, when I did finally talk, what came out was not my voice. It was more like a strained whisper. My choking episodes continued, and I would even wake up in the middle of the night choking on my own saliva.
I called my Doctor 5 days after surgery and told her that I was concerned about my “lack” of voice and my choking episodes. I went in to see her the next day. She told me that I definitely have the worst case of “hoarseness” that she has ever seen, and attributed it to me being thin. She said “just give it time… it will get better”.
I have another follow up visit 1 month after surgery. Still no improvement in my voice, and still choking on liquids. She assured me that it is nothing to be concerned about
I go in for my 2 month post op follow up. I am still choking and still have no voice. I express my concern about my voice, and tell her how not having a voice has affected my life on just about every level imaginable. She now attributes my lack of voice to acid reflux, and said that she believed that acid reflux was aggravating my vocal cords. She wrote me a prescription for an antacid.
I asked her if she felt that it was time for me to go to a specialist to see what was going on with my voice and my choking, and she assured me that it will resolve itself.
Knowing how important my voice is from both a personal and professional standpoint, I felt like I needed to be more proactive in this situation, so I sought help from an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist who then referred me to a Otolaryngologist who was the head of the department at the Head and Neck Institute at the Cleveland Clinic.
They stuck a camera up my nose and down my throat to look at my vocal cords. The news was bad, although it did not surprise me.
They informed me that my right vocal fold was completely paralyzed as a result of the surgery that I had for my herniated discs in my neck.
Well, the good news is that I now know why I am choking on everything, and I now know why I have no voice. But now what????
The other good news was that this was something that I did not have to live with… there were options that would provide me with a voice, even though it may be temporary. Basically, these procedures would provide me a voice while buying time and waiting for my damaged nerve to recover on its own.
They informed me that 10% of people that have cervical disc surgery end up with varied amount of damage to the nerve that operates their vocal cords . Of that 10%, 70% will have spontaneous recovery with no lasting effect. The other 30% do not recover, and end up with a permanent vocal fold implant.
I also learned that this spontaneous recovery could happen up to a year and a half after the initial injury to the nerve.
With it only being 3 months since my neck surgery, it was too soon to determine if my nerve was permanently damaged, so my doctors opted to perform a procedure that would give me a “temporary” voice while I continue to play the waiting game.
So back into the operating room I went. I was so excited about having the ability to speak again. I was on complete vocal rest for 5 days after surgery, and was on vocal restriction for a week after that. And when I spoke, I was SO happy! I had a voice!!!!!! I wasn’t choking anymore!!!! I wasn’t running out of breath after speaking 3 words!!!!
Well, unfortunately, this voice only lasted a very short while, much shorter than the Doctors and I had expected. Once again, I am choking, and once again, I am running out of breath after 3 or so words.
These Doctors deal with famous people from all around the world who depend on their voice in their profession. You should see the pictures of celebrities they have hanging in the hallways. I am in very good hands. Hands that understand that I need my voice, because my voice is my career.
This is much better then being under the care of a doctor that is not willing to be proactive about such an important aspect of my life. I don’t have time to sit around and just “wait” for my voice to recover on its own, especially when there are options available that would provide me with a voice while y nerve healed.
Well, I went back to the Clinic yesterday to discuss more options because the last surgery that I had did not last as long as had been expected.
They stuck the camera up my nose and down my throat again to check on my vocal cord. Looking for any sign of life. Unfortunately, it is still completely paralyzed and it has been almost 6 months since my initial surgery. And now I have a “granuloma on my left vocal cord. (my right one is the one that is paralyzed). Granulomas are a result of incorrect vocal usage, vocal fold trauma, and acid reflux. Well, this would explain why my throat has been hurting me, especially after a lot of talking. You see, my left vocal cord is attempting to compensate for the paralyzed vocal cord, and this overcompensation is taking its toll.
Well, my doctors believe that at 6 months since the initial injury, that they can safely project the likelihood of my nerve spontaneously healing by performing a nerve conduction study, or an EMG..
I am scheduled for the nerve conduction study on July 14. The results of this test will determine the probability of recovery., and will also determine what the next step in the operation room will be. Meaning, will they opt to do another procedure that will provide me with a temporary voice or will they opt for a permanent vocal fold implant.
If the nerve shows any sign of life at all, then they will go ahead and perform another procedure that will give me a temporary voice. Instead of using the Radiesse Gel, like they did last time, they will use fat from my own body to plump up the paralyzed vocal cord. For those of you that are curious about this procedure, it s called vocal fold augmentation
Basically, my right vocal cord is stuck in the open position. This is why I choke on liquids, as there is an open doorway right into my lungs. By injecting a material behind the paralyzed vocal cord, they are pushing it towards the midline, where it can make contact with my opposing vocal cord., the healthy one that is working feverishly to make contact with the paralyzed one.
The downside to this procedure is that it is temporary, as the body resorbs the material over time. Everyone is different, and resorption rates vary from person to person, and different materials used have different resorption rates.
It’s a tricky procedure because they have to account for swelling afterwards. So if they “over fill” me, then potentially, my airway could be completely blocked. If its not enough, then I will get less then desired results.
I can have this procedure done two more times, while buying time and waiting for my nerve to heal. But, if after a year of “temporary” voices, I have still not recovered, or have made just a partial recovery, then they would have to insert a permanent vocal fold implant.
If the nerve shows zero signs of life, then they will go ahead and insert a permanent vocal fold implant.
With this option, they will have complete control of my voice, as this implant is “molded” into the shape that will give me back my voice, as I once knew it. The doctors feel absolutely confident that they will restore my voice to the point that it will be unnoticeable.
I am scheduled for my third surgery on July 28.
So friends… I am sorry for not being honest with you about what has been going on. To be very honest, this has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever managed to attempt to get through.
I bet you never thought about what life would be like without a voice. Well, neither did I. Let me tell you that not having a voice has been crippling to say the least. Not only is it crippling, but it sure can take a toll on one’s self esteem. And the thought of never singing again is another biggie that I have to deal with. You see, music is a huge part of my life, just like fishing. I started playing guitar at 14, and by 17 I was out performing, and many of the songs that I performed were songs that I had written. I also performed in an adult show choir for over 10 years.
My doctors are promising me that I will have my speaking voice again. But, the vocal fold implant will put a limit my range. Considering that I took a lot of pride in the flexibility of my range, this doesn’t make me real happy. But, if the trade off is a voice that I can use to communicate, then I will have to accept that.
But for now, I don’t need to accept that because the end result of my damaged nerve is still unclear. This is something that only time will tell.
To be very honest will all of you, I was really hoping to just slip under the radar until my voice returned. Unfortunately, it has dragged on much longer than I had hoped.
I’ve had so many people wondering what was going on, and why I wasn’t fishing the tour this year. But I was so scared of exposing myself as “damaged goods”, that I chose to just keep quiet about my situation. The guilt I was feeling by not letting everyone know what I was battling with was weighing heavier and heavier with each day that passed.
But what I have come to accept is the fact that yes… for now… my life was not what it once was.
The good news is that this is all just temporary, and that by early next year, or possibly much sooner, my voice will return, as it was, and I will feel complete once again.
Even more exciting is the new national television show that I will be Co-Hosting. More on that later….
I am incredibly grateful to my sponsors who have stood by my side during these trying times. My sponsors are much more to me than just sponsors, they are true friends and the kindest people you could ever imagine.
www.LFTLures.com www.GammaFishing.com www.GLoomis.com So while my voice, or “lack of voice” has temporarily prevented me from traveling the country doing fishing seminars and making guest appearances on radio shows or television shows, it has certainly not kept me from enjoying what I love to do most… go fishing J
It would mean so much to me if you were able to put me, my vocal cords , and a spontaneous recovery in your prayers.
Sincerely,
Marcia