1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning…"

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something bad in the next line:
I got a good woman –
With the meanest dog in town…

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes.
I got a good woman –
With the meanest dog in town
He got teeth like Tyson
And weighs 500 pounds

4. The Blues are not about limitless choices.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable Blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.

6. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

7. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

8. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are the best places to have the Blues. You can have the Blues in New York City but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just depression.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues:
a. Violet
b. Beige
c. Mauve

10. You can't have the Blues in an office or shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.

11. Good places for the Blues:
a. A highway
b. A jailhouse
c. An empty bed

12. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekends in the Hamptons


13. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old Black man.

14. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. Your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
b. You're blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied

15. No, if:
a. You were once blind but now you can see
b. You're deaf
c. You have a trust fund

16. Neither Julio Inglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the Blues.

17. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.

18. Other Blues beverages are:
a. Wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. Muddy water

19. Blues beverages are not:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo

20. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse or being denied treatment in an emergency room. Dying during liposuction is not a Blues death.

21. Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

22. Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
e. Blues names starter kit:
i. Name of physical infirmity: Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic
ii. Name of fruit: Lemon, Lime, Kiwi
iii. Last name of president: Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia are not permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.