I really only enjoy writing these god damn things because it helps me figure out what I'm thinking. Being there isn't enough. I have to really read it to understand it.

And so I must write it.

I think if I was stuck with nothing to look forward in my life, I might fare better. At the moment, I feel like a horse's ass. Why? Well because I'm alone, of course! Doesn't anyone listen to me? Don't they understand by now how I feel when I'm alone?

Last night when I was alone, I popped open my vein again. Yeah, I know, stop. Well what ever. I'll do what I want. That's not why I'm here. Obviously, I think less clearly when I'm alone. I do... ridiculous things.

So I'm sitting here, feeling like a dumb ass. A needy dumb ass. Because I can't be left alone... I need someone to talk to me constantly. Isn't that sick? Jesus, I hate myself for that.

Back to my original posting reason. So right now I feel like shit, but I also feel like a horse's ass. Why? Because in a week, I'm going to visit my aunt with my friend to California. So now I feel like shit and guilty, because a lot of people would kill to be where I am now. That... just sounds wrong to say.

So Shawn thinks I have bipolar disorder. Why? Because over the entire time I've talked to him, every night, I've been just peachy and then, with the snap of a finger, been cursing him out, yelling at him, throwing things, yelling at my brother, and being overall nasty. Now... I don't know. I think he's just pegging an overly used condition onto what, unfortunately, is me. But, of course, part of me loves that. Why? Because it's something. It's just not me being me because I'm... me. It's me snapping on people because I have bipolar disorder.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. But how do you test for something like that? I only know the symptoms.

Snapping.
Snapping.
Uhm, snapping.
And having virtually no memory of it.

Weird, huh?

I don't give a rat's ass.

So... go fuck yourself. ^.^