Its kinda of like that song,"I like you so what am I soo afraid of"....like that..

I know I should probably take my own advice at times and just do as I say and not as I do...but that will never happen. Ive learned to put up walls, which have been more like barriers for a while now. Shutting out the things that mean the most to me.  While ive come back to Jersey, I never got it off my chest. Yea yea..some of u will say well its UR chest..ahahaha! not like that... i have something that I been keeping inside, and all my best friends tried to do was get me to put it out there...but how?  How do you start by telling someone that you care about them more than anything...that you miss them..that they slip thru ur mind at a moments notice...the thought of them never went away..etc

As many of you know I am better with writing at times than using my words..bc at times my words get mixed up and all confused.  Its not the easiest things.  I wanted to tell you soo many times what was going on and going thru my head. I just couldnt, and still cant find those words..."I Like you"...something told me to go for it.  I was talking to Noelle and there was a voice that just said do it, go for it..what do you have to do.  Im not talking a voice in my head or my heart yelling and screaming from inside. It was an actual voice...crazy I know...but yea.

All this started when I was reading a letter that my birth mom wrote to my dad Noelle and I a few months b4 she passed...she, like me,was not very good with expressing herself with words...and I finally get why she did what she did...it all makes sense...so in a way Im thinking that "voice" that I heard, it was her...and its all bc of this letter! Thank you mom...I know how some courage..see some..not a lot...so here it goes...

Like you, ive been hurt before...a couple of times...maybe not soo much in the same way..but ive had my fair share of shitty relationships that didnt quite end the way i wanted them to. The past is the past and I look back and say wow..am I happy Im not with him now..and its true.

I met you a few yrs back..had a very good chance and blew it...I knew it then and I kick myself in the ass everyday now, but the circumstances you and I know the details.  We have both grown since then and our lives have changed a great deal. I would like to think they have changed for the better and many changes are still to come. ITs part of life, the person that you are, and maturing..its always expected.  The thing that matters is that we talk now, probably more than anyone ive ever talked to...and you know me by the back of your hand. You know what Im talking about, when I have no idea what Im saying...or so I think....you can tell when im downright miserable and can usually bring me back...in a way you ground me.  You are one of my best friends and that in itself is better than anything else.

Things were said and I kind of remember them, and some of it is still foggy....I just know that its you, and its always been you.  No matter what happens I will always be here for you...im back and dont plan on going anywhere anytime soon...your stuck with me...bc uve stuck with me. You never let me down and always do your best to make time...even though you have a super crazy schedule and that doesnt bother me.  Lots of things dont bother me...you just learn how to deal with them as time comes....

As you know and as I have said more than once...I am not the type to sit down and hide behind a txt message, computer or anything else for that matter. I keep everything bottled up, i hide it pretty well...but I dont think I can anymore..I cant be afraid to let someone know how I feel about them...If you read this and understand please let me know...ive lived this past yr and ahalf based on the motto, "what happens, happens"- and its worked so far. So what do we do now...do we keep going around in a circle and keep playing ping pong? Do we try to give this a shot...or just remain the best friends that we are and just let it be as it is. Either way I am ok with it...I tried to tell u soo many times..but could never find the words..and Im not sure if this is coming out the way I want it tooo..but its close enough. I would never do anything that I would think would jepordize our friendship...if anything its bought us a bit closer.

Im trying to open up...really trying...if you are reading this and understand let me know...let me know what you are thinking...all this has needed to come from me and not a second party. she thought she was helping me and in a way she did..and i love her for that...but i think you wanted and needed to hear it from me. Even though its not face to face...which is what i wanted but again..Time is in the way..and there wasnt much of it.

I know you are busy and you have a lot on your plate...i appreciate and thank you for everything that you do day in and day out...but dont use that against anything. Sometimes you need to take a chance and step out of the norm and go with it...go with the flow...you cant predict the future...but you sure as hell can try to invent it..you are the holder of your own destany...what you do today will impact tomorrow. and the rest of your life. Im willing to take chances and go the distance...sooo...where do we go from here?

"Deep in my heart Im concealing...things that im longing to say, scared to express what im feeling..frightened youd slip away" Evita

for now this is all i can come out with...so what do you think?  You wanted insight and wanted to know..as I said there was more said the other night..im sure..but in time the foggy will become clearer and ill remember everything. I remember all our convos..and I know that you might be afraid to start something and I understand why...but if we walk away from this now will we get our chance again? I mean we have gotten a second chance this time around..probably bc someone somewhere thinks we are old enough now to handle all of life everyday challenges...and if that isnt a good enough reason then I dont know what is.

For every step back, there is a step forward- opening up is hard...but to actually say it is harder..I spread my wings and hope for the best..the rest is all in your hands..- We have sat back and thought of all the reasons why not to do things- but what about the reasons to?- I cant say the future will be perfect, and I cant say that things will work 100% bc nothing in life is guaranteed..its about risks and challenges..and if this is the challenge...well then..lets see what happens....

Now im just talking and thinking in circles..but you probably get the jist..whatever we choose to do from here on out..well thats the way it will be. If we agree on being friends and thats final..well I will be just fine and happy with that. If we choose other options..like just going with the flow and see where the road takes us..then that is fine too. I will never walk away from this friendship that we have established ever again....