Interesting things have been happening. Sh's post was a hint, and said a few things that I didn't want to hear cuz I was successfully pretending I didn't have to deal with that stuff. LOL. Last night, after the previous absolutely awesome three days, Meridjet was distant again. Not quite as flat as usual for distant times, but still only partly paying attention or being there. Then I went to bed and dreamt that this guy on my friends list, whose name is Walking Bear, was strutting around bragging that he was this great and powerful mage. A friend (not sure who, probably no one I know for real, considering what happened next) and I were giggling and making fun of him kind of behind our hands and stuff. He then turned into this giant dragon and ate my friend. Bit her right in half. I was totally freaked. He came up to me and I said, "Obviously I was wrong. Sorry." and was basically waiting to be eaten. lol. He morphed into a pretty nasty-looking human thing (something was off about him, not sure what, he still looked dragon-colored, for one) and was trying to seduce me into being with him. I asked him if he could change form, into Meridjet. (I have no idea why.) Then I sort of woke up, and was looking groggily around the bedroom, and yet the "dream" went on. He said something about killing Meridjet, or hurting him, and I was begging him not to. He asked me three or four things, a list of what I was willing to do to keep him from doing that, I think one was "die," one was something I forget, and the last one was "be his slave for all eternity." I really hesitated on that last, wondering what "eternity" meant, but finally agreed. Then he turned into Meridjet, his vibe became Meridjet's vibe, and Meridjet said, "It really is me." That was the end. About an hour later I remembered that Meridjet's name in the Cheyenne lifetime was "Running Bear," and I'd previously noted, a while back, the similarity to "Walking Bear"'s name.

Then I got online and saw Sh's comments. The part that took a while to sink in was the "we're not perfect" part. I knew it was coming up to a time when I'd have to stand up to Meridjet about something, but I didn't want to. I do disagree with him quite often... but when he pushes or "explains," I generally give in and go on. It might be part dominance, but it's mostly just submission on my part, to him as a higher being who has my best interests in mind. He has done precious little dominating lately, enough that I've felt that he was previously only humoring me. Though at times he seems really into it. Anyway...

I got to talking to S on Yahoo Messenger and in the course of the conversation a theme arose. Meridjet commits to me, and asks me to trust that he will never leave me, and then turns around (and this has happened two or three times in the past) and says I have to be willing to give him up, to somehow prove that I'm not binding him in some way. Also, he has a history of bolting when he's really stressed. Also, there's this distance thing that keeps coming up, and sometimes right after the connection is really intense. At these times, I know it's not me. But he wants to blame me, that I'm not open, or that I'm self-absorbed, etc. I think he's avoiding a personal issue with relationship claustrophobia, sort of. It's an Aquarian trait, and the profile of Aquarius still fits him remarkably well. Aquarians need to feel free and like they are not being held down. I think (and S thought too) that he has personal issues left over from that mindset that he needs to acknowledge and deal with, and stop making it always my fault.

I haven't talked to him. I'm achy, and we have no privacy, and it's one distraction after another. We just finished dinner. Wednesday night is TV night for me. The cable guy was supposed to be here and never showed up, and so it was endless waiting. Etc. And frankly, I'm afraid to bring the subject up. :-(

Going back to read Sh's comments with a new perspective. Haven't read them since this morning.

Goddamnit, this sucks.