Sometimes you fall in love. And it’s intentional. And it’s completely what you wanted it to be. That’s what i hear, anyways. i have a friend, who i love dearly, who met her husband, and it’s been right for her ever since. They’ve been solid in that realistic/human way for years, but, romantic, nontheless. And, anyone who knows him knows that he’s “perfection” for her. He, himself, isn’t perfect (who is?), but him-for-her?......perfect.
I haven’t really found that yet.
I heard this song by Sara Barailles, Gravity. It makes me think of addiction. Love, for me...maybe for more than me...can start to feel like an addiction. When it’s good, there’s nothing like it. And you can’t get enough of it. And you’ll fight for it. And you’ll begin to do things that another version of you wouldn’t. And, after a while, you look in the mirror and wonder how long you haven’t looked/felt like yourself. You tell yourself that you’re “stronger” than this. ...But...here you are...looking in a mirror and wishing that love brought out the best in you, not this manic visual you’re looking at now.
Wouldn’t it be incredible if we could go to rehab for a love addiction? L.A.A.-Love Addicts Anonymous.
But, as far as i know, there is no such thing. Instead, we have to do our own work, privately...cut the cord...make a clean break. (which usually results in disaster, followed by the intended outcome) And, it’s messy. And you spend too many moments sitting in your car, listening to “your” songs, wondering when life will be kind to you, before you finally discover that either, a) no one’s coming to save you, or b) they’ll keep coming for you until you’re no longer there, and you pick yourself up and begin to re-acquaint yourself with your old-self...the pre-love self.
I look in the mirror these days, and have mixed feelings. For one, love addiction makes for great songs...great inspiration. What hurts me also helps me. This is an inconvenient truth. Secondly, drama and conflict can begin to feel like love. You miss it when it’s not there...and confuse that, sometimes, for missing the relationship. It can be incredibly confusing.
So, after my last relationship ended, i made a list. Things That Are Not Negotiable. Yes, a list is easily breakable, but, something about writing it down...feels powerful. I found myself falling in love with my solitude. And it felt good.
And, as much as i love a good sad song...i want songs like “gravity” to be less relevant, less powerful. I want love to make me smile. To make me an even better version of myself, bringing out the best of me. It’s an optimistic idea, and one that may not be represented very often, but.......i believe it’s possible.
I don’t want to be a love addict. I want more........