And we’re baaaaaack!

I was asked again today to provide my "John Henry" on a receipt.  This has happened to me several times.  Folks, John Henry was a steel driving man.  If you ask for my John Henry on a piece of paper I’m going to wallop it with a hammer.  If you’d like my signature, you should ask for my "John Hancock".  Hancock, you’ll remember, signed the Declaration of Independence in a large and flourishing manner.

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How to get on an elevator:
I don’t understand the confusion when it comes to getting on an elevator.  I guess since most people don’t have elevators in their homes it can be a baffling experience.  Allow me to help:
DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE ELEVATOR DOORS WHEN WAITING ON AN ELEVATOR!  There could possibly be people inside who would like to get off the elevator before you rush in.  I promise that if you stand 4-5 feet back from the doors you’ll have plenty of time to get on.  This isn’t a windmill on a mini-putt course where you only have a split second to get through the doors.  Trust me on this one.

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You know how I know I’m getting old?  I have never sent a text message, nor do I see the point in them.  I also get angry at the way texting and IM’ing have destroyed the way we communicate.  Typing entire messages in all caps, or all lower case, drives me crazy.  Is the word "you" really so long that it must be replaced by "U"?  I also spend long periods of time trying to figure out things like "ttyl" (which I origingally thought was a shortened version of "totally").  I hate to be one of those old people raging at the current generation, but they’re destroying our language. 

You kids get off of my lawn!

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If you’re like me, you spend way more time at Wal-Mart than you’d like (if you’re hipper than me, replace Wal-Mart with Target).  Allow me to help you get out of Wal-Mart faster.  Specifically, let me tell you how to get through the check-out line faster.  The answer is simple: racial and age profiling.

Your best friends in the check-out line are college-aged people (who almost never write checks) and minorities.  If you can get behind someone who doesn’t speak English, do so.  They almost always pay in cash and they never haggle over prices (because they can’t).

Your sworn enemies are older white ladies.  One, because they write checks.  And they NEVER begin filling out the check until everything is rang up.  They also have to dig through a purse big enough to smuggle out a Christmas turkey to find thier ID for the check.  Two, they use coupons and will not leave until the coupon is accepted, even if it expired in 1975.  Lastly, they will haggle over the smallest detail.  Oh, the bananas are supposed to eighty-three cents a pound, not eighty-nine cents a pound.  Look lady, here’s a dollar, now get out of my way.

I’ll get behind 3 college students and 2 Haitian refugees before I get behind one old white lady.

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Thanks to everyone that has commented on my blog, specifically the Ramblings entries.  Making you laugh makes me happy.

That’s all for now.  More ramblings will surely follow.
Your pal,
Corey