I havn't been feeling particularly funny recently owing to the fact I am drunk all the time. But I have read a few funny things in various publications that I would like to share.

While waiting outside the toilet at a gay bar I picked up the new edition of F:S magazine. Underneath the subheading "Have more fun being bummed!" (I am not making this up) was the following, bewitching main headline:

"Playing it safe! Why DO we bother with safer sex?"

GOOD QUESTION EVERYONE

Inside, the related article ran:

"I didn't realise how much being HIV positive would affect my life....Contrary to what some people think, having the virus is no fun" 

NO WAY! When I think AIDS I think HOOTENANNY!

There was also a really handy 'Did you know...?' section which I love for its scientific terms:

"Using lots of water or silicon-based lube when you fuck helps keep condoms from breaking!"

"Even if you shag without condoms, being well-lubed means that there'll be fewer cuts and tears in the arse from fucking. This can reduce the risk of HIV getting into your body!"

What can possibly be left to say in next week's edition?

"Bummy bummity fun fun in your arsey bum bum!"

And then in the free paper "thelondonnews" (who needs gaps between words?) it was reported that Paris Hilton said, in her first, post-prison sentence interview that

"I feel stronger than ever and I feel like this is a lesson in disguise."

I don't want to be too quick to judge her ability to HAVE THE POWER OF THOUGHT. Maybe what she really meant is that she went to prison in disguise - as a disgusting whore.