There have been days in this holiday season that have brought me to my knees. I am humbled by the events of this past year and where life's path has brought me to.

In years past my kids always got some Christmas money to purchase me something - it made them feel good to give something they had picked out that they thought I would love. Honestly it has been as awesome to watch their faces when I open what they got me as it has been to see them open up their own presents.

There are no gifts this year. None. Not from me to them or them to me. My gaurdian angel bought some toys for little 26 and sent them to me so I would have santa presents for him- for that I'll always be grateful.

There are no apologies to make, I didn't gamble our money away or lose it frivolously or selfishly. I ran for my life and sanity with three kids and my dogs. So here we are with our tree and stockings up and I have had a sinking feeling that as the actual day came close I would feel, well- like I do - crushed.

So I thought back to my childhood, when I was a very small child: my brother and I would take my parents favorite things and wrap them up. Being so small we honestly thought this was what you do- my parents were always so pleased and acted surprised when they found old ties, perfume and shaving cream in the boxes we wrapped. In hindsight, I think- how sweet of them to encourage us to learn the pleasure of giving.

I will take my pretty yet empty gift bags and place a note card in a few- they will say "To: Mom" from each of them there will be several gifts for their mom- with the explanation of something they gave me this year that was precious to me. Maybe they were words of encouragement from my daughter, maybe it was good grades from my son, maybe it was quiet understanding when I felt hysteria welling up inside from all three, or maybe reading on their Myspace pages that I am their hero.

No it won't be the exciting 'things' of years past there are no receipts to keep track of- just memories and love that they have already handed to me and that will be with me forever.

I'm crying as I write this- this is the toughest holiday I've yet to face. The biggest and loveliest bag I have will have these words on its note card

TO: 22, 24, and 26

A home filled with Love and Peace and Kindness- and Hope for a better future.

Happy Holidays dear friends