Who am I?

I guess this is a question most of us ask ourselves and one which I have been struggling with more and more lately.  It is no coincidence that in both of my books, the theme has been reinvention.  In today’s world, everything moves so fast, people live longer.  We now have to be able to change careers, homes, countries, sometimes partners, perhaps several times during our lifespan. We are expected to constantly adapt to new technological advances and an ever changing world.

I thought I was special when I was younger, in the way that I imagine most children do. For children there is only the “me.”  I really believed that I would achieve something important.  I didn’t know what, but I just felt it would happen - that it was my destiny, waiting for me to grow up and fulfil it. 

Now I am at an age where I am faced with the reality, which is of course is that I’m not special at all. I’m just very ordinary, and I’m never going to set the world alight with my talents or prowess in any particular field.  So that begs the question – who am I then?   Some things I know i.e., I’m a wife, mother, daughter, mother-in-law, aunt, cousin, friend.  I am also the sum total, such as it is, of my various career choices and studies, but none of this really answers the question properly.  If I exist, as Sartre says, in the gaze of the other, then if others fail to see me, I fail to exist. So is our measure of our reality how we feel about and see ourselves or is it through our impact on others?

I understand the need for reinvention and in fact, have had to undergo it several times in my life.  My latest transformation was turning my back on singledom eleven years ago to re-marry, and I have never regretted it, being blessed with a fantastic partner.  Perhaps I am just at the stage now where my own ambition and dreams are dissolving and my role is now to foster and help my husband and children achieve their destinies and dreams.

I’m not unhappy about this.  Yes, it would have been nice to have trail blazed in some field but I think having accepted that is not going to happen, there is a sort of contentment in the recognition and acceptance of this.  I have not achieved much generally by most people’s standards, but I have a wonderful family and friends and I have loved enough for several lifetimes and found love in return.

 And that is all I know.