Please notice the status change....


Another 5 days. That's all I have left. Then everything changes. And I can't decide if its a good thing or a bad thing. I swing from one extreme to another, relieved, devastated, with all sorts of entertaining thoughts in between. I lost it, and took off for a large percentage of the first couple of days. Then I had to go home and face it. And felt the bittersweet mixture of annoyance and agony drive their twin exploding hollow point rounds into my soul.

Unasked questions, comments, jibes, pleas, arguments are choking my throat so tightly I can barely breathe. I feel fucking awful. I feel knocked down, kicked in the belly devestated. And I hate my self for not knowing why.

I think. I think thoughts that pound and sear into my brain with such force and fury my breath stops in my lungs. I gasp and breathe again, but the internal forces that buffet and abrade my inner landscape are still not enough to scour the deep pain and hurt that is ripping my heart apart.

Struggling to maintain surface calm, to remember to breathe, to not let this happen. Ohmyfuckinggodsineedtostopthis. Civilized. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo. Please. No.

Frail, cracked and broken, the mask returns to cover what lies with in.

Closing my eyes, imagining a Zen state I do not remotely connect to.

Just try and
Breathe...not berate.

Just try not to cry. Tears make men guiltly. Guilt makes some mad or defensive. All which Suck.
 
Besides. I am not happy. I feel betrayed, abandoned, let down. Like someone carefully spun my happiest dreams and longings into a spun glass figure of joy and then smashed and ground it to dust. Sharp, edgy cutting dust.

And yes, in a fair major way, it was not at all my wish or my doing. No one could have tried harder.

But once, he made me happier than I ever believed it was possible to feel. I love him still.

I cry in the shower where no one can hear when I lose the ability to control my tears. Great body wracking soul tearing sobs that blend with the water sounds and flow away down the drain. 

Numbness. Savior. Calgon take me away. I emerge, swollen eyed, but fuck, it *is* allergy season....

Riiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttttt.

Much later, I'm dragged from the dubious sanctuary of my book. Multiple times. Other's needs. Never much of a break from that. Gothy Emo child is on a torrent. Its like an avalanche of misinformation, presented in an authoritative form. With a chaser of Kassandra's Tourettes. Implosion is the kindest thing I can do for all concerned.

Too soon for the vampiric Demon to arise, and the Feline Ferret is undergoing the crisis du jour.

Heh. No surprise that "kids" rate high on things that contributed to the decision. Umhmm.

Maybe it will help him, although I fear that its another movement and rest period. But ok. Either way, he might stay within visiting distance. Prolly closer than the rift between us now, although he's less tan 2 feet away. Hahaha. I have a little secret of my own. I'm not really doing this sober. I can't. I'd go insane. He's so fucking calm and remote. I don't believe he'll never really know how agonizing it is just to simply sit here with him, feeling the distances, interaction strained to polite conversation, memories and things like non sequiters falling in the randomness like a ripe milkweed pod. Flying, floating, landing, ignored.

Scream: "Fuck!". Repeat infinitely until hoarse.

Time to forget a little more. Thinking sucks. Feeling sucks. Alone sucks. Unless you count kids.

Mirrors suck too. And the sting lingers too.

Another morning. Wake up crying.

cry sleep another day.
go out to try and forget.
disaster at home.

CAN'T ESCAPE HELL!

talking....still he's going. He says he has to. He leaves at 10:00 pm. Hours from now. That is when my soul will die. As soon as he leaves. I will break down. I know this. I don't care if I do. Maybe if I go insane there will be clarity on the other end of this ride though Torment.

Kiss sings Hard Luck Women....how apt. I realize that the only way to get through this pain is to stay as fucked up as possible.

Good thing NH packies are open on Sundays.

Asked the stupid what-if questions. Some answers bring pain. Others relief. Gods if I only didn't love him so much it would be fine. But no, he's my soulmate. I knew it, really knew it when we met.

I'm dying inside with a clown's smile

Its time. The kids arguing again just made it all the more certain. Its time. He's going. My world ends now.

I'm not sure if I can do it. If it just might not be the one thing that kills me.

I think it did inside. Today I feel like a automation, just going through the motions.

Left. Bereft. reallly gone.
He really abandoned me.

now I'm alone.