I've been cravin blogs. I want to write and then I get lost lookin for time. I want to read, and then I get caught with pencil in eye.

At this time of year, it may be easy to write about the holidays. Catch up, reprise, sentiment, reflection, sharing...but isn't it just as good to forget about it and move on. The holiday season has turned a quarter of the year into psycho active mumbo jumbo. Spirituality has little to do with anything anymore. Joy is something to be bought. Drunken dribble has more clout than sincerity. I have lots to say, but feel the energy may be better spent. I promise myself every year that I will not allow myself to get caught up. I won't feed into the depression, and I won't eat up the ideal of holly jolly cheer...

See what I mean. I almost took that path.

Instead.

I want to focus on what I want. For Christmas, for my birthday, for the new year, the new season, the new balance of space, time, and relationships.

I want connection. A deep rooted connection that comes from the action of cells and the cell of actions. I heard a blue grass musician on the radio say, depression is merely creativity that is trapped. Well, I want to open the trap and let it out. Not only my trap, but others too. I want to make connections with people this year that really want to unleash. I am the key master, are you the gatekeeper?

I also want to give more attention to the gray matter. Very often, I get to thinking that we know so much more that we want to admit, about the human brain, about how others may feel in any given situation, about how we ourselves feel and what we truely want but don't have the nerve to let out... Too often, I hear gray matter referred to as useless, pointless, seemingly mysterious and uneventful. I venture to ponder if the gray matter is the most important part. What if it is actually the most important part, and we're too busy looking at the activity to understand the position of stillness. Maybe without the gray matter the heat of activity would melt our faces off, melt our existence into a concentrated puddle of sparkful charges. The gray matter of life is so important. Let us not give remorse to our inactive times, but instead cherish them for cushioning overactivity...for the absorption of excess.

...Now...this is a big want...but I aim for nothing less than perfection...

I want balance.

Yes.

Balance.

I'm not referring to a balance between fun and work, bipolar and normal, rockin and chillin, swearin and swoonin...

I'm talking about the balance between my selves.

Sometimes it's not so easy to see in myself, but I very often see it plain as day and night on others. The contradiction of the self within, the self at work, the self for our parents, the self for new people, the self on a date, the self that craves bad things, the self at 4 in the morning...I am aware that we can't be the same for everyone. There are certain censors we face on a daily basis. What I really want is to be different for each environment, but to simultaneously maintain the core, underlying values that I believe. I don't want to pretend to be something to help someone else feel more secure. I guess I finally realized that trying to help others feel comfortable may often challenge my core values...and that when I bend the self that I really am, the creases are visible to anyone who wants to see.

It boils down to a gray mass of creative key holes, that peep into the truth of self. Lined up by the billions. Looking through one hole, a moment may be seen, maybe even understood. Stepping back with eyes relaxed, the scramble of snow turns into a vision of enlightenment. Easily accessible when the aim is true.