I am acutely aware that I not more than 3 months ago deleted all of my blogs and swore to never write another one for as long as I live. Well that was then and this is now and I changed my mind. As many by this point know my Grandma Tracy passed in Feb., and unknown to most since then all has not been well. Within the span of 3 days I have cried nearly as many tears as I did for my father's passing which was an amount that I thought would not be met until my mother passes many, many, many, many, many years from now.
        I have heard many things said that were hurtful, untrue, misconstrued, taken out of context and some that were the result of miscommunications. Many of those things have been adressed and dealt with and for now at least laid to rest. What is upseting me at the moment though is that I know in a matter of hours,days, weeks hell could even be minutes everything could change and the world could come crashing again. I am in the uncomfortable position of hearing both sides of everything, and every disagreement, being able to make my own decision on where I stand on a disagreement and the unpleasantness of being yelled at when I choose to remain neutral. I know that none of this is what my grandma would want, and I know that she sees what is going on, and I know she knows the truth, I just wish some of that truth could get passed along to those who need it most, and that maybe just maybe one of her hugs could be passed down to all of us since I think a hug from my grandma would greatly help things.
      I am not saying any of this to
 upset or hurt anyone or anything else that could be taken as a form of attack. I am simply saying this in hopes that perhaps just perhaps for the sanity of everyone involved that some miracle happens that makes everyone able to see everyone else's perspective, and somehow manages to unite this whole family, and that somehow by the grace of god, or gods, or goddess, or whoever, whatever it is you believe in that everyone who is stiring the pot as they say sees that it is not helping anything and is actually making things worse and that they choose to stop stiring the proverbial pot and jumping to assumptions, and saying mean, nasty things that they will later regret.
          I know in this family it is impossible but I wish it could happen just once. Since I have been alive I can not remember one time when this whole family got along or agreed on anything or did not have some relative be it cousin, aunt, great aunt, great uncle, uncle, anyone speaking of things they did not know about and causing problems. Yet still I had hoped with all the unfortunate deaths in the family, my uncle, my father, my grandmother, etc. that it might have made everyone think that family is what matters most in this world, and in this instance to respect family the best thing any of us could do would be to just abide by the wishes of those who have passed, and stop dwelling on heresay and unfulfilled wishes and go by what is definitively( sp?) known.
          I know this all seems like something that should be obvious, and easy to understand, and I know that many won't be able to understand a word I said about family falling apart due to miscommunications, etc. I however know what I mean and so do many others. This is will be the only blog I post for awhile or at least until something else like this past weekend happens. I just had to get it all wrote out where anyone who has been wondering why I won't return their calls, emails, or talk to them could find out the reason behind it. I just have had too much on my mind to want to talk to anyone, and honestly at this stage I have thought about how much easier at least for me it would be if I had some accident and ended up dead and burried in that cemetary with my father, the only person on this world who ever understood me. [Note: I am not actually entertaining the idea of dying, I am not planning on killing myself, I simply thought in a moment of complete exhaustation that death would be better than dealing with all of this shit.]
        So to those who have wondered about me and have now read this I am sorry for not talking to you, and to those who read this and did not understand anything I said, I am sorry and to those who read it and understood everything I also say I am sorry.