May 1, 1990
OK, the year's 1990... It's me... Paul Curreri.  I'm 13 years old.  I still go to Byrd... 8th grade. School's school.  The Algebra slavemaster "Big Betty Bachman" has been getting on my nerves, but who really gives a d___?  Quadratic can suck it!  I still am working over whether or not to ask out Beth.  I know deep down I never will.

My music career has boosted with the 2 new babies in the family... my 1st real keyboard: the VFXsd, complete with Peavey amp.  I took a couple piano lessons with some guy named Dane, but I'm already wandering cause music notes make me ill.  The music, the stuff I've been writing, of course, has all been secretly dedicated to Beth.  I worked up enough nerve to give her a tape of a couple of the music pieces.

I'm still drawing like a man possessed.  I've decided to to start this journal.  I guess I'll really enjoy this when I get older or something.  I want a car.  I want a CAR.  I got a dog... Rockne.  I love him but he's got a "wee" bladder problem, pun intended.  I seem to be breaking for once away from my mom and closer to my dad.  I think he's really cool.  I don't know what I'd ever do without him.  He's my main idol, role model, and most definitely.... friend.

This year quite a few queerbo movies hit the theaters with a heavy block.  Batman, Roger Rabbit... and dude... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I regret to inform the reader that I missed that minor life pleasure.  My brother saw it.  Well, my brother + sister are growing.  Matt's getting to be more of a match.  Maria... still reading... but her eyes are wandering from the cold words of the page to the hot, spicy, + young fellahs in her class.  "Golly Ward, the Beav's really moving."  Oh well, she's not such a dork anymore.

Bush is president, but I guess you knew that.  That Dan Quayle dude is V.P.  I guess I got this idea from Doogie Howser.  I'll try to talk daily.

May 2, 1990
Beth's left for Disney World.  As usual, she left angry at me.  Hey, don't look at me... I don't know what I did.  I miss her already.  I know it's love.  I know it's fear too.  And I know it's almost foolish at times.  Sometimes I sit at night awake just piping mad at myself.  WHY?!  Because I don't know what to do.  Her birthday is coming up.  May 11.  I remember from last year.  I'm gonna do something... I don't know what.

Maybe I could tell her how I really feel?  Do you know how many times its come only half way out?  Infinite!  Maybe if I spent a little less time worrying about what to do, and a little more time just enjoying my friendship and being myself, I might enjoy life a little more.

May 3, 1990
Beth is still gone at Disney World, got an 67 on a test paper, and was slugged dead in the face.  A--hole Dave.  As hard as he could took this wide swipe to my shoulder and yes sports fans, he missed.  I rolled over, thought of Beth, fought any tears, got up and threatened to kill him and his whole family.  He just laughed though and said sorry.

I miss Beth.  It could be that I really don't think she has totally forgiven me.  She didn't get a chance to say it to my face.  She left in the middle of the day.  Why am I never NOT thinking about her? Why can't I get her out of my mind?  That Romeo guy had guts!  Ahhhh!  What is wrong, Paul?  Ask the girl how she feels about you!  Freeman High is getting closer... Beth's getting further.  God, if being a kid is supposed to be easy, I don't want to be an adult.

May 6, 1990
Our team won one game yesterday + lost today.  I played a total of 7.5 minutes in the game.  I thought I played well.  The coach is messed.  I'm one of the best out there, I think!  I think Beth returns tomorrow.  I might just tell her tomorrow.  What do you mean you don't believe me?  Today was hectic, so, I really didn't think much about her, which was almost nice.  I'm kinda worried, kinda scared, kinda relieved, kinda confused about her coming back.  Oh well.  DAMN, I'm mad!  7.5 minutes?  That coach is stupid.  Well, he's the coach, and I'm the player.  It's like chess.  I'm the pieces.  If he makes a bad move, I get taken.

May 7, 1990
Well Beth was back and tanner than ever.  She wasn't really mad.  By the end of the day she was back to normal.  She asked me who I liked.  I told her that I needed to talk to someone about it.  That someone of course was me!  I think I will finally tell her.  After all, there is only six weeks of school left.  She said that she wouldn't tell me who she liked.  I didn't ask, so I'm a little suspicious.  "I'm too bold, tis not of me she speaks," Shakespeare wrote.  He probably had the same ole problems.   I started a new song for Beth today.  I'm waking up before dawn tomorrow to finish it.  I may give it to her.  Well, bye for now.

May 8, 1990
Beth and I didn't really talk much.  Seems like it's over.  I'm really have trouble convincing myself that she even likes me as a friend.  A friend versus a love.  I am stuck on my song because I can't concentrate.  I feel as if she is standing close at hand watching me.  I can't tell... does she enjoy what she sees, or is she just lurking there to puzzle and confuse me?  I wish I knew.  I wish she loved me.  I wish I could tell her who I had feelings for.  But most of all... I wish she would never me mad at me again.

May 9, 1990
Do you think they'll make a book out of this someday?  Maybe if I become famous?  I don't!  But if they do, I'd like to say hi to the millions reading this.  Anyhow, once again, Beth and I didn't really talk.  People are asking questions I don't know the answers to.  I'm almost to the phase of "duh duh duh duuuuuuuh": psychotic.  If I don't make my move soon... she'll never know.  I think the next little thing she gets mad at me for I'll tell her how I feel.  Gosh, I almost WANT her to get angry at me again.  So many chances I've had to take her in my arms, touch her cheek with the tips of my fingers, and dream.  I would dream and write words that slammed Shakespeare back in his grave.  Words that would make Romeo look like... uhhh... I don't know... Snoopy?  Never mind.

I would translate the the words from dream to reality, reality from dreams.  With God as my intellect, Beth as my inspiration, magic could be reborn.  Then, and I'm afraid only then, and not a minute before, could she catch a glimpse of my excitations.

May 10, 1990
Tomorrow is Beth's birthday.  I got her some nice looking flowers.  I think she'll like'm.  I did my slope math project this afternoon and it looks good enough.  Anyway, today Beth was nice to me.  I gave her 5 like a dozen times.  She asked me to sit with her at an Honor Role Reception.  Hey... how could I refuse?  If she had been mad at me today, the flowers would have done wonders.  DAMN.

I couple weeks ago, she asked me who I liked.  I told her that the last 2 letters in the 1st name was 'ie.'  WHAT?  'ie'?  Yeah, well, her first name is "Stephanie."  She figured it out and never said nothing.  That was that.  I wimped out.  I really don't think telling her tomorrow would be such a great idea, what with all the excitement of her birthday.  Maybe when it cools down.  Amazing that I depend so greatly on timing, and yet, I have barely enough time till school's over to blink.  Maybe I'm putting it off or making excuses.  But maybe I just want everything to be just right.

May 13, 1990
Just like me.  I wrote her a letter like we always do in 7th period.  At the end of the letter it read: PS. Look in the bag.  I then kicked a bag across the floor.  She seemed to like them.  Well, that was Friday, and today was Sunday.  It's been the 1st weekend in a long time that I wasn't worried about her.  I think that we may be a little better friends now.  I am going to try to be open with her constantly.

On Friday, I spent the day at Dwight's.  He may not be Einstein, but he really puts things in perspective.  He can't believe that I put off each passing day without telling her.  I think he's right.  I can relate to Dwight.  He and I were the only two who gave Beth birthday presents.

May 14, 1990
I had a great day at practice.  I was nailing both moves and shots.  I had good ball control and hard, crisp passes.  I thought well about my options of passing or dribbling and usually made the correct decision.  Well, Beth is asking me who I like because she knows somebody that wants me to take them to the dance.  She says it's not her.  I want to ask HER to go to the dance, but now I'm not sure if she would even consider it for her friend's sake.  Gosh, if that friend muffs everything up, I will be really aggravated.  I need some time to think, and I really just don't have it, nor the guts to make a move otherwise.  I wish I liked someone who like me.  Maybe it's just the inspiration + thrill of the challenge that I like.  NO!

May 15, 1990
Alicia.  That's who likes me.  Beth told me that Alicia wants me to ask her to the dance.  I'm never going to be able to do that while I like Beth!  I've got to tell Beth and that's all there is to it.  I'm going to tomorrow!  Romeo told Juliet and Dad told Mom and even Snoopy told Lucy.  What's with the Snoopy?  Anyhow.  Beth makes me want to watch her eyes.  "Two of the fairest stars in all the heavens do entreat her eyes and twinkle in their spheres until they return," in the garden speech.  It's the same.  And that is why I'm finally, really + truly going to tell Beth that I love her.  I hope.

May 16, 1990
I have been spending a lot of time with my father lately, and I really like Dad.  Tonight he was telling me the importance of choices.  He informed me that in he upcoming summer I would be able to have a lot freedom... but in order to keep it, I had to make the right moves in the game of life.  I'm going to try to live up to his expectations.  I'm going to try to believe that I can do whatever I want it life if I try.

Well, tonight on "Wonder Years," Winnie moved away.  Winnie broke up with Kevin because they wouldn't be going to the same school any longer.  Sound familiar?  That show is so much like real life!  That's what would happen!  Even if Beth and I ever went out, we wouldn't last the change of schools.  Now, I would last forever... but not her.  I've seen guys flirt with her.  I would trust her though.  I'm not giving up.  Please don't think that.

May 17, 1990
Now I'm really confused.  McFaddin?... Will McFaddin?  Beth doesn't like him... does she?  In 7th period, she seems to be hanging around him a lot.  I like Will and all, but it kind of worries me to see her do that.  When I'm around Will now, and Beth is near, I get nervous.  Will is smart, but he's the one telling me to help him with his algebra.  GOD.  Sorry... gosh.  I really am feeling a little sick from all this.  But why should I feel threatened?  Still, maybe is this is some sort of signal to move on... to move on from Beth.  I want Beth to ask me who I like again, or maybe get mad at me.  EXCUSES!  I could cut her off in the middle of a sentence for I care!  But somehow, deep inside me, I know I am going to wimp out.  Look at this: I even expect it!  Great attitude, Paul.  Okay, confidence block... now you are gone!

May 21, 1990
My grades seem to be slipping lately.  I feel bad for my folks, cause they want more of me, but I don't think they teach a d___ thing in that school that's worth a sh__.  I just can't keep my mind off Beth.  I'm going to ask her to the dance tomorrow.  I want her to think we're just going as friends, because that may influence her decision and ease the tension.  I love Beth.  It's not some light early teenage crush either.  I would marry Beth if I could!  I never want to let go of her, say goodbye.  I wish that she cared for me also.  This journal book may be a little repetitious, but that's all I want to talk about.

May 22, 1990
Nope.  I didn't.  I am sure some kind of massive 13-year-old wimp.  She wants me to go with Alicia so bad.  How can I go to the dance with one person when I feel so strong towards another?  It's virtually impossible!  Next time she asks me who I'm going with, I'll tell her.  If I don't get this off my chest, I'll blow up.

Tonight we went to a chorus concert.  The motorcycle I painted didn't get used because some dumb stage guy forgot to put it out.  AHHHHHHH!  I'm laying her in bed staring at my Beethoven poster.  My mom's knocking on the door.  I gotta let this fly.

May 24, 1990
Beth was really putting me down today, and today she might have gone overboard.  I wasn't doing anything.  I still would like to ask her to the dance, but a guy only has so much pride.  I'm sick of her pushing me around.  I'm sick of fucking school.  I'm sick of writing in this journal about what I'm gonna do and then not doing it.  I scored on a header in my game today.  It's strange.  I can't stop thinking about her most of the time, but when I'm playing soccer, it's all a different story.  I really enjoy that temporary freedom!  Freedom from school, music, Beth, freedom from life.  But then the game ends and everything returns... everything.  Everything I had loved, hated, or dreamed returns.  That's one thing all good has in common: it's only temporary.

May 27, 1990
Today was Sunday.  We had a huge tournament in Roanoke.  We lost them all, but had a lot of fun. That's soccer for you.

On Friday, I gave Beth a note... more of a letter.  It told her how I felt and how I didn't think that asking her would be the right thing to do.  I told her about how mean she had been to me lately.  I told her that I try to be nice to her.  I told her a lot of things.  But the most important thing was also mentioned: I, Paul Curreri, told her, Beth Kessler, that I've loved her for so long.  I told her about how I dreamed of her.  I told her that I'd always be her friend.

But her reaction was surprising.  She ran out of the classroom crying.  Crying!?  Maybe she felt guilty...  I hope not... and I don't know.  I tried to call her that night but she wasn't home.  I'm very interested to see what happens tomorrow.  I'm okay with a lot of things.  But I'm not okay with us not talking about it.  I'm worried that's what will happen though.

May 28, 1990
It happened!  Well, sorta.  We didn't talk about it one bit.  We barely talked at all.  Beth acted like nothing happened.  But maybe that is for the best.  Maybe it's time to give up hope and set her free... to set ME free!  I don't want to be friends like guys are, but maybe that is the only option.  Also, I think that Dwight asked Beth to the dance.  I'm definitely going stag.  A lot of people have told a lot of people that a lot of people want me to go with them, but I really can't at this time.  I've just got to let go of Beth, even though I'm afraid I will always love her.

Tonight we went to the Sisisky's house for dinner.  I met Joy and Zack well for the first time.  I really like them.  Joy is really cool.  I wish we went to the same school.  She's the kind of person you would want to be best friends with.  She's the kind of person you could tell everything to.  I hope our parents become friends.  And Zach and my bro.  And Joy and I.  For the first time in a while, I didn't think about Beth all night.  Thanks, Joy.

May 29, 1990
I was finally convinced to ask Alicia.  Beth wants us to come with her and Dwight.  I'll ask Alicia in 3rd period tomorrow, I guess.  Maybe I'm nervous.  I don't know why, because I know she'll say "yes," and she's really a nice and pretty girl.  I hope I'm not using Alicia, because if I am, I don't mean to.  I don't have much to say tonight.

Lame day.  We went to the Athletic Banquet, which really bit.  I got a 68 in science.  I figured out how to do a certain type of math problem 30 seconds after I turned it in.  Failed that.  I missed art because of our stinky play.  13.5 more days of school seems like 13.5 centuries.  In English, I'm bored out of my mind.  I can't take Ms. Maury anymore.  Her voice makes me want to hit a turtle with my bike.  Who says I complain a lot?

May 30, 1990
I asked out Alicia... to the dance, I mean.  I barely know her.  I would rather being going stag, for both of our feelings.  I feel terrible that I like someone else, because she seems so kind.  I have lost my sense and I don't know anything anymore.  I am controlled and manipulated by Beth and practically USING another sweet girl to get to Beth.  I couldn't be much worse.  This year's end is due.  Everyday I get buried another foot.  I had a piano lesson today, and I hadn't practiced and still refuse to read music.  I have almost stopped my art and soccer... swimteam, and even diving are low on my list.  I can't pay attention in this bullshit school of bullshit.  13.5 days seems like an eternity.  The days are just not "whipping by" anymore, though my LIFE is.  I don't know if I want it to all be over or if I don't.

May 31, 1990
I'm glad I asked Alicia.  Beth, Alicia, Dwight, + I are becoming really good friends.  We can't really decide where we want to go, but I'm having a good time already.  My mom won't let us rent a limo.  I want Dwight's dad to take us on his school bus, because that would be really crazy.  Here comes my mom.  Gotta go.

June 3, 1990
I slept over at Dwight's this weekend.  He's like an idol because Beth likes him.  He doesn't even like her.  If Beth liked me the way I LOVE her... I'd just take her in my arms, hold her, listen, see, and dream with her.  I would love and care for her so gently as if she were china.  Of course, that will never happen.  Dwight could have the opportunity.  I don't even feel that jealous though.  That is what's so strange.  Why am I not jealous?  I think Dwight is just too good a friend.  He's so different and original.  I wish that there were more like him.  He's the only one that knows about this journal.

June 4, 1990
Nothing too interesting today.  John and Becca want to come with us.  I like John and all, but I sure don't want Becca coming.  She is nice, but she doesn't fit in, though that makes me feel bad to say.  Beth and Alicia don't want either of them to come.  If they DO come though, we get a limo for $5 each.  It's not fair though to say they can't come though.  I hope it works out so that no one's feelings are hurt.

I found out from Beth that Dwight was thinking I was mad at him a few days ago.  He told me, "Paul, I hope you don't get angry if I ask you not to dance with Beth all night."  He didn't tell Beth what he'd said, of course.  I wasn't mad, but I was and still am confused why he'd ask me that.  He shouldn't feel threatened.  Beth likes him, not me.  I really am going to try and leave Beth alone.  I wish Dwight had never said that to me.  But on June 8th, Dwight is with Beth... I've got to give leave to my feelings.  Temporarily.  My feelings will still be there.  It's just that they'll be hiding behind my best friend... Dwight.

June 5, 1990
My parents finally said that we were allowed to take the limo.  Yea.  I am so happy.  John and Becca will come with us, but that's cool.  Mike will probably ask Rashelle, and they'll come too.  There are still a few arrangements to clear up.  The price is now $14 a piece, but I'm still gonna do it.  Just to be able to be with Beth for that long is inspiration enough to splurge.  The hardest thing is going to be concentrating on Alicia, who is sooo nice, but just isn't who I like best.  She deserves better, and I want to treat her lovely.

I can tell Dwight doesn't even want me hanging around he and Beth.  But maybe I can understand.  I know that if I was in his position and a guy riding in the same limo loved and cared for my girl, I might feel threatened.  I don't want to make the night worrisome for Dwight though.  Beth is his date, not mine.  I just don't want Mike to try and flirt with Beth, cause I will beat his ass seriously.

June 6, 1990
Ward and Amy are coming with us instead.  I like them both, so that's fine.

In English today, we played Jeopardy.  I was only an observer.  By a very unfortunate and disappointing mishap I wasn't chosen to be one of the stud-muffin contestants.  Ohhhhhhhh darn.  So, being stuck with nothing to do, I found myself drifting away, completely out of tune.  I found myself in a field of shortly cut grass.  The field was a valley between two distant mountains.  As for light, there was little but that of the stars and the illuminated moon which hung above us.  Yes, us.  In my arms, I held Beth.  We rarely talked.  We simply gazed at the scenery and each other.  Even in the dark, her face seemed bright.  She would hardly ever remove her face from the stars.  It gave me time to stare at her and see each star in her eyes as does a mirror.  Then the bell rang and the dream vanished.  I hope I never get picked for Jeopardy.

June 7, 1990
Tomorrow is the big day.  The only thing I CAN wait for is the gap it's going to leave in my pocket.  But that doesn't really concern me.  I just hope everyone has a good time.  I wish these dances would never end.  Just to hold Beth in my arms and have her rest her head against my shoulder is more than I could ever hope for.  I don't plan to fulfill that hope on this occasion.  I respect Alicia and look forward to dancing with her.  We are going to enjoy each other's company, I suspect.  Today I got a haircut, some new pants, new tie, + a new shirt.  All I need now is new money.

June 8, 1990
Well.  It's over.  I guess it went OK.

I was a little annoyed because Dwight and I had agreed not to get flowers for the girls.  When the limo pulled up at my house, only Dwight was inside, and he had a dozen roses for Beth.  He said he forgot about that flower conversation.  I said he was making me look like a butthole.  So I ran back inside and grabbed some pink plastic wrap, then ripped all my mom's flowers out've the garden and wrapped them in it and told the driver to go.  They didn't look that good, but Alicia said thanks.

Beth seemed pretty happy and so did Alicia.  Alicia is really nice, and I really enjoyed taking her.  When I danced with Alicia, I felt lose and easy-going.  She was kind of like my life support.

When I danced with Beth, we talked a little, argued a little, and I cried a little.  I was so upset because she is going to another high school.  When I held her in my arms, I couldn't help the tears.  They just came.  I'm crying now as I write this, and hope not to all night.  I wanted to stop the dance and kiss and hold her.

But that didn't happen.  I got one dance which ended rather quickly.  Afterwards, I walked out of the gym and straight to the bathroom.  In the limo, we talked a lot.  When I sat next to Beth, she stopped talking.  It was obvious and I could take a hint.  Dwight and I faked this little window joke and we switched seats.  When everyone started talking again, I was happier.  I'd rather her be happy and be by myself than her not to want to talk.  I'm not sure about that, but Dwight thought it and I guess I agreed.

I loved hearing her sing to the music.  I imagined she was singing to me.  I stopped when I felt tears welling up.  I don't know if I am a major puss or what.  I'd just like to have her love me as I love her.  It was strange.  Strange how I felt when I saw her in that blue dress.  She was so beautiful.  I love her.  I'm really upset and there is no way to do anything about it.  I love her.  My eyes are blurry.  Sorry I can't elaborate more but... never mind, I gotta go.  I love you Beth.

June 11, 1990
Beth was questioning me today about what Dwight and I were whispering about all during the limo ride.  I didn't want to tell her.  I didn't want to cry.  I finally decided that when you love someone as much as I do, there isn't anything you can't tell them.  This was my reasoning for telling her.  I have loved and always will love her.  I told her about how I was crying when I was dancing with her and how I couldn't stand the fact that she was going to that other school.  I cried as I told her, and I was not surprised that I did.  I wish now that I would have hugged her and held her.  She said that she'd miss me a lot.  I think she was sincere when she said it, and if she ever reads this, I'll always miss you too.  Everything is going forward.