Is it really possible that it's been four months since I've written....four months without an outlet...four months without self expression and every bit of those four months shows in the person I've become but the problem has been brewing for years. Even as I sit here I find myself hesitating to say the things I want most to say...
Who is this person I've become? To some extent, I took my flaws from the past and tried to work them out but somehow I went too far in the other direction that I lost the parts that I actually liked about myself. I've become someone who is tolerant of things I should not be tolerant of and someone who is more likely to say "Yes, dear" rather than "Fuck that!" This change in direction should have afforded me more confidence and the things I thought I wanted out of life but instead I'm less confident than I've been in a very long time...I find myself second guessing decisions that should be routine. If one more person tells me what a nice person I am, I may scream. I am a nice person, I do nice things for everyone in my world but I'm much more than just a nice person. However, as of late I seem to only be known as that nice girl and not for any of the other qualities that I possess.
I'm not happy but the silver lining is the fact that I have a desire to get back to being me minus a few walls, defense mechanisms, and craziness. There are still a few people in my life that make me feel more like myself when I'm around them or talk to them so maybe there's hope for me yet.