Jul 28, 2006 10:16 AM

Auntie's Advice - ''Sax and Violins''

Dear Auntie,

I met Viola at a barre called the "Transversal Flute". She gave me the Vibes immediately. I decided to Piccolo priced hotel nearby for us.

Even before the door shut, she whispered, "I want Sax". Then she began to Fiddle with my Tubaaah..

But when I reached for her, I felt a Trombone!

I went Bongos and screamed "Euphonium!"

I'm not prone to Violins, and I don't want to Harp on the subject either. But I Bass my reaction on misrepresentation. Should I have allowed Viola to play the Mouth Organ?

Tom-Tom

~

Dearest TT,

Of course not! How could you ever trust a Lyre?

7(c)04

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Aug 11, 2006 12:53 PM

Auntie's Advice: ''pianissimo''

Dear Auntie,

My accompanist Peter Paul is a giant in the biz. He's my all man joy and I get mounds of pleasure when I duet with him. We've been playing with each other ever since our college days at Folk U.

Recently a very famous pianist has been hanging out and nosing around our private parties. He likes to be referred to as Richard, but I call him "Little Dicky".

Peter Paul has been on me to fit him in, he says he'd love to play with another member. A threesome might be nice, but I get the feeling that Dicky wants to come between us.

Should we go ahead as a trio, or just duet?

Mary

~

Dearest Mary,

As a Virgo you have a certain innocence that prevents you from seeing the darker side of people.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Auntie has heard of this Richard Little and by all accounts he is "tutti frutti".

I became so concerned with your welfare that I hired a private dick to tail them from behind. This candid photograph taken by my privates investigator shows what "Little Dicky" has been up to. Here you see him hard at work.

He has obviously already entered into a standing engagement with Peter Paul and you have been left out of the picture completely.

7(c)04

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Aug 20, 2006 12:58 PM

Auntie's Advice: "Wanda B."

Dear Auntie,

I'm an intermediate level keyboard player. For several months I've been playing with my boyfriend's organ. But it's pitifully small and I wasn't really feeling satisfied with it.

I talked to my pastor about this and he suggested that I drop by the church after school.

When I arrived, the first thing he asked was if I wanted to see his pianist. The next thing you know he was right there in front of my face and I was so excited I gave him a kiss on the head and a big squeeze.

I couldn't believe the size of his organ, and when I sat on it I could feel the power of the massive instrument pulsating inside me. But it got harder, so hard in fact that I faltered.

To help me out, he began fingering my passage for me, delicately yet deliberately. The lick slowly at first, then just a little faster for the right feel. I felt overwhelmed with joy.

For weeks now he's made me come again and again.

Here's my question:
Even with all that, I still seem to get stuck in the same places all the time, do you think I should I keep coming?

Wanda B.

~

Dearest Wanda,

As far as getting stuck in the same places is concerned, remember that you can go as far as you want to in the end.

Regarding continuing: You know what the pianist is there for and you obviously enjoy playing with his organ, so why stop?

Now Auntie has a request for YOU. Lately, she has been feeling the need for a large organ as well. Perhaps you could send me a photo.

Auntie

~

Dear Auntie,

Thank you so much for your wise counsel! Here's a photo of the pastor's large organ.

Wanda B.

~

Dearest Wanda,

You're right, that IS a big one! I'd love to have an organ that size to put in my back room.

And honey child, next time you go to church, you give that pastor's pianist a big smooch from your dear old Auntie.

7(c)04

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Sep 1, 2006 12:31 AM

Auntie's Column: ''M&M''

Greetings,

I am the widow Nomobuti Mofoku, last surviving wife of the late public servant Dr Kismas Mofoku.

You do not know me personally but because of your impeccable references and the high recommendations from a mutual friend (for discretion's sake I cannot mention any names - but you know who I mean) I have been directed to contact you regarding a matter of great importance that will surely benefit us both.

I trust that you will hold the following matter in strictest confidence, as you are a respectable and honourable person like myself.

My husband, Dr Kismas Eubitsh Mofoku, was a very intelligent and gentle man. During his tenure as Minister of the Interior of our country (for discretion's sake I cannot mention which country - but you know the one I mean), he was able to embezzle thirty-five million dollars from the poverty stricken populace and spirit it into a secret Swiss bank account.

Due to the recent turmoil here, I have been unable to secure these funds. Bureaucratic red tape obliges me to engage an outside coordinator in order to conduct a smooth and legal transfer of these monies which are rightfully mine and my children's.

I will transfer these thirty-five million dollars to your bank account without contract, if that is agreeable to you. Take only what you need.

Benevolent and caring person that you certainly are, I know you will make sure that my humble family is taken care of.

Please help us now. I beg of you. Do not wait!

Minutes after you supply me with the following information, I will effect the deposit of thirty-five million dollars into your account. All I need is your name, address, mother's maiden name and bank account with your personal identification number.

Do it now! Generosity without hesitation is the mark of a truly noble soul.

Sincerely,


Mrs Nomobuti Mofoku

PS: This is a chain letter. In order to keep the chain intact, you must send this email to three of your richest friends. But Be Warned: If you break the chain, something bad might maybe happen to you some day.

~

Dearest MNM,

Auntie is always helpful to those in need. Here is the information you requested:

Name: Lalie Hecaud

Address: 2220 Washington, LA 70112

Mother's maiden name: Hsimnoh

Bank account number: X!P 90P xns W3N!W3

PIN: 773H209

In order to keep the chain intact, I sent this email to three of my richest friends (for discretion's sake I cannot mention any names - but you know who I mean).


Auntie

7(c)04

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07 Sep 2006 10:27 PM

Auntie's Column: ''Co-Ed Facility''

Dear Auntie,

Where I work there is only one restroom for both the men and women.

The men always leave the toilet seat in the upright position, no matter how much us girls ask them not to.

We've tried to be nice about this, and have even posted signs in there letting the boys know how much it would mean to us if they would just put the seat down after they've finished.

Maybe they would listen to you. You're a very well respected lady. Maybe if we put up a copy of your response on the wall they would finally change their ways.

Missy PC

~

Dearest Ms Pissy,

I think that all would agree that there are few situations more unpleasant than finding oneself perched upon a soggy toilet seat.

In a mixed restroom at a place of business, there is only one position for the seat to be in, and that is the upright position. If the seat is left in the down(wrong) position, any number of "accidents" might occur. Consider the following profiles:

The GottaGoRIGHTNOW!
This individual has no concern other than insuring that his own clothing remains dry. If the seat is in the down position, there is literally no time for him to lift the seat into the up(right) position.

Considering the individual's frantic state of mind at that moment, the liquid in question is certain to be found, at least in part, on the lowered seat.

The Expert Marksman
This person is so sure of his shooting skills that he finds the seat in the down position to be a worthy challenge to his sportsmanship. Not only will he NOT move the seat into the upright position, he will most certainly leave it there to once again prove to himself that his aim is true.

The Apathetic Man
This is someone who cares not for the health and well-being of others, thinking only that as long as HE doesn't have to sit on it, somebody else can clean it up.

The Sadist
People like this will go out of their way to make others' lives as uncomfortable as possible. This type of malicious individual will actually lower the seat into the down position in order to soil the sanctity of the seat to delight in the discomfort of others.


To avoid the above situations, the correct position for the toilet seat to be in 99.99% of the time is the up(RIGHT) position, and should only be lowered to the down(WRONG) position when absolutely necessary, then immediately returned to the upright position as soon as the business has been conducted.

You have my permission post a copy of the above on your restroom wall.



Auntie

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15 Sep 2006 4:05 PM

Auntie's Advice: ''Souvenirs''

Dear Auntie,

My girlfriend has it all. Talent, beauty, brains. She's been all over
the world, everywhere she goes she brings back something with her.

Her birthday is coming up and maybe you can help me. What do you give a girl who's got everything?

Doc

~

Dearest Doc,

If penicillin doesn't work, have a blood test done.



Auntie

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