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The Heff



Last Updated: 3/31/2009

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Status: Single
City: Edinburgh
Country: UK
Signup Date: 7/17/2006
Tuesday, April 01, 2008 
After last year’s Edinburgh Festival with no job in sight (again) I decided to laugh at the working stiffs by trying to cycle further and further every day while what was left of summer still kicked about. Despite my healthy hatred of exercise, I started to quite enjoy myself. I managed to get as far north as Burntisland and, east to North Berwick and west to Falkirk before some git pinched my bike from the close. What made these efforts look more impressive was that I would cycle to somewhere with a train station then get the train back to Edinburgh. While on the train my muscles would seize up making the last ride, all of half a mile, a wheezing, sweating torture. When I got back to the flat everyone thought I’d really pushed myself to my limits. Just like that bloke out of "Touching the Void".

My mum had mentioned that she wanted to try and do a bit of cycling the other day so my dad dragged my sister’s bike out of the shed. It’s actually quite a nice one and if I had known it was there, would have made use of it by now.

I’ve a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning where he’s almost certainly going to tell me my blood pressure is a bit on the high side – he’s always tested me in the past and I think I annoyed him by having it at a reasonable limit. Finally he’s got his wish and has proof that I am killing myself.

So these two events seem to be quite serendipitous. I took the bike on a test run – although it’s brand new it’s been left in a shed for a year. I headed up the Ayr Road for a bit then turned and came back downhill on the Mearns Road. Good fun.

Then after dinner my brother and mum said they were off for a walk to my gran’s. I thought I’d surprise them so half and hour after the left I jumped on the bike and got there in plenty of time. Heading back however was a different story. I managed about fifty metres then – blam – the chain snapped in half. So much for that plan.


Spookily, the chain did come off right outside a bike shop. Now a casual observer might say that after a year in the cold, the link in the chain had just came loose following a day of use. However, a second, more logical explanation is that "The Cycle Lane" has a special laser that points out onto Clarkston Road at random times to ensnare unsuspecting cyclists. I imagine there’s a level that, when pulled, brings tiny little spikes up into the road for a few seconds at time. And a robot crow that comes down and pecks your break cables in half.

If the owners of the shop ever read this, know one thing, your evil plan has worked. I would recommend you continue to do it as I’m buying a new chain and a helmet from you tomorrow. Then I’m off to Eaglesham.

Possibly to die.
Currently listening:
Human After All
By Daft Punk
Release date: 15 March, 2005
12:35
 
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