Noteworthy Europeans

Several times a day, you and I see two symbols that are supposed to represent our political and cultural destiny. The first is a window which is impossible to see through. The second is a bridge that goes from nowhere to nowhere. In a fit of monumental oversight these images were chosen by the European Union to adorn its most tangible icon: the Euro banknote. It gets worse. The bridges and windows are not only embarrassingly potent metaphors – they're hypothetical. We're not looking at windows which adorn the Sacre Coeur or St Peter's Basilica. We're not admiring bridges which span the Rhine or the Danube. That would have been too controversial, apparently. Five-hundred years after the Renaissance, the boldest emblem Europe can produce is generic, fictional architecture. And politicians wonder why we find Europe uninspiring.

Imagine the six original members of the EU project as a European version of the Simpsons. France is the neurotic, highly-strung, controlling mother who wears the trousers, tells everyone what to do and drinks too much wine. She believes she's still young and irresistible, but in fact she's rather old and quite unattractive. Germany is the serious, hard-working, emotionally-absent father figure: reasonable, but prone to bouts of extreme violence. Then we have the three kids. Holland is the rebellious, bisexual, dope-smoking teenager. Belgium is the middle child: internally divided, outwardly dull, constantly trying to bring everyone together. Luxembourg is still too small for anyone to take much notice of. This leaves Italy as the swarthy, cool, irresponsible uncle who still rides a motorbike, smokes too much and has some pretty dodgy connections.

In the bad old days, Mummy and Daddy used to fight all the time. Uncle would invariably take Daddy's side, but then switch allegiance when it became clear that Mummy was winning. As always happens, it was the kids who got caught in the middle. Eventually the family agreed to stop fighting and share more. This worked so well that they decided to invite other relatives into this arrangement. Now the whole thing's a bit crowded and nobody's sure who is in charge anymore. In all the confusion, we, the people of Europe have lost sight of the EU's most incredible achievement – and I'm not talking about Franco-German peace. As EU citizens, it is our BIRTHRIGHT to live and work in Tuscany, Paris, Sweden, Catalonia, Vienna, Crete, Milan, Provence, Athens, Scotland, Amsterdam, Cyprus, Rome, Barcelona, the Pyrenees or Prague. Remember that next time you're paying five euro to sip coffee in the rain, while listening to Liveline.

Which brings us back to the banknotes. As our glorious leader might ask: what or who should de notes denote? Most citizens complain that the EU is too caught up in ideology, bureaucracy and identity crises to address the needs of real people. I say we get back to real people. Surely in our long, rich history there are certain individuals who command universal admiration. Who could object to a Euro banknote featuring Socrates, da Vinci, or Mozart?

Of course there are many candidates who would be more divisive. It could be argued that Winston Churchill did more for modern Europe than anyone else in our history. But he would be a very problematic choice – both for his politics, and his many controversial military decisions. The trouble with politicians, sportsmen and military heroes is that they are invariably associated both with those whom they championed, and those they defeated. For all their talent, I doubt we'll ever see Euro notes featuring Otto von Bismarck, Eric Cantona or Julius Caesar.

Instead, we should look to fields where human endeavour is of universal benefit: the arts, the sciences, technology and medicine. If choosing seven individuals proves too contentious, each note could instead feature several people from a chosen field. Thus we could have a composers' note, an inventors' note and a scientists' note. Ideally, prospective candidates should have connections with various parts of Europe. James Joyce – who travelled widely, incorporated many European languages in his works, and lived for a time in Dublin, Vienna, Trieste and Paris – would be perfect in this respect.

But whether we favour individuals or groups, the biggest problem would be striking a balance. There are seven banknotes to serve twelve Eurozone countries – with the possibility of more nations joining in the coming years. If the notes featured more Italians than Germans, there would be great resentment. Then there's the question of religion – how would the tally of Catholics and Protestants add up? Would Jews or atheists get a look in? Arguably the most contentious question would be how many women should be featured.

To date the EU has tried to avoid controversy and unpopularity by skirting these questions – plumping instead for generic architecture. That cowardice is a big part of the EU's problem. The European tradition – from Socrates to the Enlightenment to modern democracy – is founded on debate, discussion and dissent. The very act of arguing about which individuals best represent the European ideal would engage citizens across the Union in a common conversation. Not everyone will agree on the result. Plus ca change. But at the very least we will have exchanged ideas about our past culture, present identity and future aspirations.

We could even go one further, and delve into the cesspit of popular culture. The BBC ran a series recently called 'Great Britons', in which ten historians/celebrities were selected as advocates for ten of British history's most influential figures. After they had all put their case, there was a public vote to select the Greatest Brit. Why not run a similar series across the Eurozone, concluding with a Eurovision style final in which the top twenty candidates are given a four-minute summary, followed by a public vote?

It would be tacky. It would be vulgar. It would be democratically imperfect. But such an initiative would reach places that EU summits never reach, engaging Europeans from all walks of life in the political decision-making process. What is the EU afraid of? From an economic perspective, it doesn't matter who is on the Euro banknote. But at a cultural level, for the citizens of Europe to feel ownership of the selection process, and identification with the people featured, is more important than the result.

If all this proves too much for Brussels, I say we force their hand. Using existing EU grants, we should build bridges and windows throughout the country, to the exact specifications of those featured in the current banknotes. Then we should start flogging coach trips to American and Japanese tourists, showing them 'the distinguished Irish architecture which inspired the Euro banknotes'. Let's see how Mummy and Daddy like that.