....................
'Can everyone let David know by.......'....
.. ..
Well I missed that deadline so we emailed back and forth and eventually
there I was in the Hospice shop looking at stuff that would a)fit and b) since
I couldn't paint a pretend money belt on a ball gown, make my beer gut look
smaller.....
.. ..
A ball gown of black hue? I don't think I own a thing oh dear so........
imagine my relief when it was my own wardrobe produced stuff with enough black
nylon and elastic to wrap me up like hannibal lecter at the deli and found
myself driving around on a Saturday up the ranges dressed like a middleaged
vampire in a Ford zafira (I was in a Ford Zafira my arse isn't that big)....
.. ..
I got lost not being a lady familiar with the hostelries of the armed
forces (well in daylight anyway) and
rang Sarah who, not understanding
put me on the phone to Mike to translate (it was Andy really but as it
was 4 oclock before I realised and stopped calling him Mike I am following the
true, real life gritty drama of the day - you wait till later my God that fight
was amazing, I didn't know there were so many swearwords in the Polish language
but David bore up well really even with that vase sticking out of...oh I
digress)....
Mike (Andy) guided me in, so to speak, saying 'I can see you, I am
wearing the blue t shirt yes you're here
now I SAID YOU'RE aiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!'....
'Sorry, it's all this mascara my
eyes have gone all heavy I didn't see you there but your voice is powerful have
you never thought of singing yerself?' ....
'grrrrr *@!&!!!!!!' (big
swearing ensued)....
'Alright! just asking no need to get sniffy, I was just about to reverse off your leg'....
.. ..
I alighted and reported to David
and his 'wipe clean' clipboard which I kept at arms length, he ticked me off
his spreadsheet, (no he really did, that isn't a euphemism) which I stared at
for a long time to see if I knew the names and also if it was a real one
printed sideways from the computer with columns and everything or just a graph
he painstakingly drew last night with a 6 inch Action man ruler and black gel
pen while watching channel 5's 'When Directors Attack' for tips; - impressively
it was the real thing. ....
.. ..
'This looks like the real deal blimey!' I thought 'there's a van there
and an expert man that looks like Lord Patrick Whatsisface (the photographer -
you're thinking of Lord Charles, I don't think he'd be any good in a pop video
shoot camera gripping hands issues etc an all.)....
.. ..
'Wow this is no camping hut -
panelled walls and a fireplace? why is Sarah half in and half out of a
trunk shoving candlesticks at Simon?'
(well you come across these private moments from time to time and, not wishing
to intrude I turned to see the diva herself, hands on hip in a tracksuit
issuing edicts from the stage - actually a lie but even divas wear tracksuits
sometimes though not the ones with 'juicy' written on the bum more like 'feck
off' or something like that. I am happy to relate that Julia's tracksuit bum sported
no messages at all diva like or otherwise. Actually this could be a winner I
may go on Dragon's Den 'Bespoke Tracksuit Messages for the Discerning' those
who process methane enthusiastically could have 'Beware the end is nigh'.....
.. ..
The room looked fantastic and a wedding like atmosphere was pervading,
well a Richard Curtis style wedding...not the type I am used to - there was no
one fighting for starters and no kids doing that secret drinking thing under
the table like we all did when we were children - oh just me then.....
.. ..
'What shall I do what shall I do I have packed my ipod my work my laptop
too, some magazines and a bottle of water cos I am singing termorrer so oughta
stop arsing about and take this seriously so spose first thing is a cup o tea
and that is how it happened to me people thought I knew stuff and me, I was
just an arse at a video shoot.So I followed the advice handed down by
generations in my family 'If in doubt make a cup of tea!'
part 2 soon... from Elaine!
....