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I think it's been pretty well established that I don't date. Period. I don't have time for dating, what with working, running a household, taxi-ing teenagers, caring for aging parents, and cooking for various special events every month. Plus, I'm not really good at the whole dating thing - I'm not a very nice person, I'm pretty selfish, and somehow I don't think most men would be very understanding when I chose a book over them.
But my beloved son, who for years has said I could never date someone he didn't approve of, has now decided that I need to date the father of one of his best friends. Now, not that there's anything wrong with his friend, (though he is the rebel without a cause I've previously discussed), but let me just say that if I were going to date someone, it would not be a person who is part of his genetic tree.
I've gotten to know this kid and his older brother pretty well over the last several months, mainly because their father is never around. Yes, these two boys, 18 and 16, have basically been raising themselves in a rundown trailer with no washer or dryer, and for a while even no hot water, while their father alternately worked out of town or shacked up with his alcoholic girlfriend. Lovely, huh? Of course, being the mothering type that I am, I've fed the boys many a meal, and sent home bags of fresh fruit (something they obviously never have at home), and tried to provide a sense of family and morals for these surprisingly good kids.
Now it seems the father has split with the alcoholic girlfriend, since a couple nights ago he came flying down the road with a truck full of furniture, etc., and announced that he was moving back in with his kids. I didn't witness the incident, but since my kid was at their house at the time, I got the gist of the story, which included plenty of typical white trash hollering and screaming in the driveway between the father and the (ex?) girlfriend. Suffice it to say that since my son voluntarily came home before curfew, it must have been pretty bad.
Well, wouldn't you know it... the next night my son was back for round two, and somehow he and the father started talking about me. From what I understand, it seems this guy is one of those types who doesn't know how to survive without a resident cook/babysitter/slave, so less than 24 hours after moving out from his girlfriend's place, he was back on the market and actively seeking a replacement. And of course since my son is at that age where he thinks tough guys are cool, he thinks this father would be just perfect for me, so he (along with the guy's sons) start praising all my good qualities - mainly my cooking skills, from what I hear. And of course, since food truly is the way to a man's heart (regardless of what the naysayers say), dad decided I was a great catch.
Now, to give my son credit, he did mention that I don't date, to which the father responded "That's okay, I'll just get to know her, and maybe ask her to lunch in a week or two." First of all, isn't that still a date, whether it's lunch or dinner, and second of all, what does it say that I've been feeding his kids for the past six to nine months and he needs to get to know me??
I need to add that the night this conversation took place, I went to pick up my son, and was shocked when the absent father comes strolling outside and walks over to the car to introduce himself, tell me he's moved back home, and is going to be around a lot more. I do the whole polite "oh, I'm sure that will make the boys happy," routine, and then make some random comment about the new (to them) motorcycle sitting on the front porch that belongs to the 18 yr old. Now, because these boys are like adopted children to me, I've been hearing about this bike a lot, and have already heard about how many miles it has, what type engine, what kind of overhaul it needs - the works. But of course absent father hasn't been around to know this, so he proceeds to give me the rundown again, and then tell me all about his own bike that's currently in the shop. Not that I'm anti-motorcycle... they're pretty and all, but mechanic talk just goes right over my head. When it comes to vehicles, I'm a typical woman who only cares that it looks decent and runs. I couldn't care less what's under the hood, and I have to admit that I haven't even checked my own oil in a very long time (that's what men are for).
Getting back on point, my son later confesses that he has indeed been talking me up to his friends' dad, and starts telling me all the reasons (according to my son) that he would be a good catch. They include:
1 - he works out of town a lot
2 - he isn't around much
3 - he's OCD about keeping a clean house
4 - he's part of a motorcycle gang
5 - if things worked out, my son and his friends could really be brothers, and not just friends who act like brothers
6 - he needs a cook
Ok, am I crazy, or should those all having flashing red lights saying "Beware! Stay Away!" Not to mention the fact that he obviously isn't a good judge of character since the last girlfriend was a raging drunk who drove like a maniac!
In addition to all these abovementioned qualities, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that this guy is what my son calls backwoods redneck (as opposed to trailer park redneck) - silly me, didn't know there was a difference. Basically, he's one of those scruffy facial hair types who thinks dressing up means not wearing a backwards turned baseball cap, and donning a clean plaid shirt with his Wal Mart jeans and work boots. He drives an older model Dodge truck (the truck itself is ok, as far as trucks go), but the front left fender has obviously been wrecked (can't imagine why with the way he drives), and now it's just bare metal. He owns a pit bull, that from my understanding is bi-polar, and when her owner is upset, has been known to attack and destroy jeans while they were still on a person's body, and on New Year's Eve, he and his boys went to a party that got so out of control his 16 yr old (who is far from a prude) opted to go home early to get away from all the obnoxious drunks. Oh, and I forgot to mention the best part: when he stormed out of the ex's place a few nights ago, he couldn't move his tv by himself, so the girlfriend told him he could come back for it the next day when he had help to lift it (it's one of those 1980's box things that weighs a ton, from what I hear.) So, you know what he did? Rather than have her be able to watch his tv after he technically didn't live there anymore, he took out his gun and shot the screen! I must admit after hearing this, the fact that his 18 yr old put a metal hard hat in the microwave and nearly burned the house down didn't surprise me so much! Oh yeah, absent dad and I have so much in common!
Needless to say, when my son asked me yesterday if I would seriuosly consider going out with this guy, my first response was "That's about as likely as us winning the lottery," to which my son replied "what are you going to do if we win the lottery tomorrow?" You know what, I told him... the answer would still be no.
2:31 PM
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