JUST FOR LAUGHS 

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.  The heavy people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Offices.

Have a nice day.

THE MANAGEMENT.