January is a word I dread.  To grasp a pen and write 'January' under the date is something I really don't enjoy.  It's my least favourite month of the year.  All other months have moments to look forward to but not January.  It's crap, it's drab, it's dreary and it's the equal longest month of the year.

Now February only has 28 days (except leap years before anyone is picky).  Why doesn't February have 31 days?  Why does January have 3 extra days?  That's 72 hours of further GLOOM.  Surely in today's totally over-the-top-politically-correct-crazy world, this is just monthist? 

January is a useless carbuncle of a month.  What good does it do anyone?  It starts well enough.  The first 3 hours are usually spent drunk, phoning relatives, dancing and then sleeping heavily.  Then you wake up to a hangover that lasts the next 31 (sigh) days.  Following New Years Day (officially the most inactive day of the year – FACT), things just go downhill.  The following day is spent with an impending dread of the return to work, and the first day of work is spent with an impending dread of more work up until the next day off/public holiday.  The first public holiday isn't until April, so that's FOUR MONTHS of gloom.

February isn't much better than January for several reasons, but at least its short and, well, it's not January.  I try to imagine the impact January must have on the other months.  I reckon it's the annoying colleague who brings everyone else down.  All the other months must talk about January behind its back.  It sits by February who therefore is almost as depressed, but February knows it has 3 days less than January and can progress in its career.  (December, of course, who sits on the other side, is a hedonist and NOTHING can bring its mood down.  December is also popular – people spent MONTHS planning things for good old December and it's always invited to parties and work gatherings.)

January is also two-faced.  It's true – it's named after Janus who was the god of gates, doors, doorways, beginnings and endings.  Two of my favourite months are July and August who are named after Julius Caesar and the Emperor Augustus respectively.  That's 2 of the finest military rulers of all time as opposed to a two-faced, miserable security guard like January.

* I had to use the word 'moribund' after watching an episode of Alan Partridge in which the word is clearly described.  It is now my word of the week.