I have never ever tried a cigarette.  I have never had nor never will have any intention of trying a cigarette.  I have always thought the entire thought of smoking revolting.  This week, I have reached the limits of my patience.  I am sick and tired of stinking like an ashtray WHEREVER I go.  You just can't escape it.

Firstly, the pub.  Unfortunately, we have to wait a further 3 ½ months before we can go for a nice pint without rendering any item of clothing useless until the next wash.  I appreciate that the pub is one of the few places where smokers can go in this increasingly anti-smoking country.  But it's a real pain – especially when you're trying to eat, and the smoke-ees blow crap all over your food.  Can't they see you're trying to eat??

Now, although a smoky pub is a pain, it's almost expected.  But to walk down the street, or on a bus etc, etc, and STILL get this rubbish blown into your face is a real pet hate of mine.

When I get off the train and walk down the slope to the road, it seems these ignorant tossers medically need to spark up as soon as they feel the first gust of fresh air.  Then they wave the cigarette about as they explain to their equally uneducated friend why it's such a pain and 'against their basic human rights' to be denied a cancer stick for a whole half an hour whilst on the train.

Oh, my heart bleeds - probably nice, fresh, healthy, red blood, not the clogged, tarry muck inside your veins but I digress – why not try and have a little bit of consideration for those who desperately try and avoid your foul pollution?

So, until July, I urge all non-smokers who are as sick of this selfish attitude as I am to unite.  Everyone must eat some of the following every night:

Curry

Mushy peas

Baked beans

Lentils

Figs

Any high-fibre based vegetarian dish.

Then, when we get on the train, we'll hold in any up and coming 'discomfort' as not to pollute the rest of the carriage.  But, on approaching the slope leading out of the station, we all let rip with a finely tuned methane emission, about as toxic and unpleasant as the nicotine and tar rush of a fag-ee.  Yes, we may get disdainful looks, but look on the bright side, it will avenge many years of passive smoke abuse.  Also, it won't cost us thousands of pounds to do it, and we won't be damaging our health, just that of others around us.  Hang on, isn't that the 'smokers' way of thinking' anyway?