So, I've talked about it everywhere else, it's high time I ranted about Kyle here. On myspace. Where emo-type rantings belong.

So here goes:

The Beginning
Kyle and I met approximately 6 years ago. Maybe a little less. He disputes this, but I garantee that it was at Waldorf when he came to shadow for the class below me. I talked to him for about 5 minutes and he seemed like a cool kid. He was not wearing tie-dye that day. It was a white shirt with something on it. Green and Brown perhaps...but not tie-dye.
Then, somehow, he got my aim screenname and we started chatting. My only guess is that he got it from Jackson. I migth have given it to him...but I don't remember doing so. Anyway, after quite a few weeks (or months...I don't really know) he asked me to a movie. This was the first time a guy asked me out and I felt amazing. I said yes. We watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (because we are geeks...and fans of weaponry) and it was insanely awkward and quiet. This was still at a time when Kyle was shy...and wore tie-dye ALL the time. He was awesome.
We didn't go out again, but Kyle was quickly absorbed into my group of friends and we hung out. A lot. As time went on, Kyle got more and more of the cofidence we all know and love (or hate) today. We eventually became very close and for a good long while hung out almost every day.

The Middle
Then I met Miljen (my boy friend for 2 years) and I sort of left Kyle out in the cold. We just sort of grew apart for a while, and that sucked. We would still see each other now and then...but not nearly as often as I would have liked. Then, suddenly, Kyle and I got close again. It was the summer/fall of 2006.  He had  dropped out of Waldorf  long before, and I had graduated that June. We hung out every day. Not almost everyday. EVERY. DAY.  And it was amazing. We made new friends, got hooked up (i was broken up with Miljen) continued hanging out and being best friends. I really did concider him my best friend. Then he broke up with Melissa (his coolest girlfriend) and I broke up with Ben (not my coolest boy friend...although looking back I'm not sure I have a coolest boyfriend). Then Kyle got sick. He stayed sick for a long time. Then he got back into chess.
While he was sick, I got back together with Miljen. We both had less time and kind of started growing apart again. But we didn't let it get to the extent it had the last time. Even so, during that time apart, Kyle started dong drugs. And Kyle started drinking. And Kyle met new people. I don't blame the new people for who Kyle has become...but they are definately a factor.
Kyle got a new best friend, and I lost my only one. I held on to Kyle for dear life as he cycled through six tries with his on-again-off-again girlfriend, Jackie. We were close when he was single, and barely even friends when he was with her. She seemed like a bitch. And she seemed really messed up sanity wise. I made fun of her, and ridiculed Kyle.
Kyle told me he was in love with her, and I didn't agknowledge that I beleived him.

The End
Then the seventh time came. This was after she tried to stab him. After all the cigarette burns on his arms. After the two pregnancy scare lies. After he said she was a crazy bitch. And then he stopped returning my calls. He wouldn't pick up when I called and he wouldn't return my messages.
So I resorted to myspace (his social domain now that she was in his life, which he used to hate with a firey passion) to try and contact himI left a comment and noticed the presence of Jackie's picture in the pot of number one friend. I noticed the lack of me in his top friend area. And I noticed the 'in a relationship' status on Jackie's profile. He never got back to me from that, so I sent him a message asking why he was doing this to me. He never got back to me.
I called him from my work phone so he wouldn't know it was me and he picked up. I asked him what was going on. He got mad at me for being upset. He said he would call me later and we would talk. He never called.
I left him a message on his phone saying I didn't deserve this, that I would always be here for him if he needed me, but fuck him. He never seemed to notice. Or care.

Now
I tried to leave it be. I tried to not care. I tried to not miss him. I tried to not be hurt. It didn't work. So yesterday I sent him another message on myspace apoligizing for the things I said about Jackie. For not understanding. And I asked him why. Again.
He still hasn't said  word to me.

So there it is. The thing that is eating away at me. Kyle left a giant hole in my heart  that I can't fill. He was my best friend. He was an awesome friend. He was a friend that honestly actually appreciated me. And I lost him and I still don't know why.

I'm the only one. People are suprised to find out that Kyle doesn't want to speak to me. I grasp for news about him from everyone who knows him. And yet I still don't know anything. It's like I'm invisible to him. Like I was never in his life and I'm imagining everything I do and say.

I miss him. I miss him everyday and I wish he would just tell me why I have to feel this way.