How on earth have you managed?!?

I applaud you, each and every one - even you, Stumpy Rodriguez - for being brave little poop-snakes and waiting, biting down on leather straps, deep-breathing, and taking up asinine, distractive hobbies in hopes of upping your Denial Index. Because damn, if it ain't been a long and brutal EIGHT MONTHS since Unky Sid's last post.

And here we find ourselves; holidays within sniping distance, egg-nog rashes all around, post-Halloween pancreatitis flares salved by Qi Gong and silent weeping.

Regrettably, there's nothing to report. One would think that, somehow- a measure, a modicum, a smidge of something, anything, that might even remotely pass for interesting, would have occurred; if not to me directly, then perhaps within the tepid peripheries of my being.

Nay.

Well --- there is *one* thing. I went away for a bit; packed my charred valise [certain to leave room for muffaletta contraband] and made my wanderlust way in a hitch-hike nightmare out to Hollywoodlandville City to finally have a go at living my dream: to become a black stuntman.
I found that with lots of hard work and delusion, I was able to start as a lowly Mexican Stunt Assistant - but finally worked and sweated and... well, I don't know if I should say slaved in this context, but man, I really put in the hours and at long, delirious last I found myself as the Lead Black Stunt Director for The Golden Girls 3K - not the show I *really* wanted to design black stunts for, which was Charlie Rose - but it was a beautiful, captivating ride nonetheless.

Now I've returned and am only hoping to give birth to a healthy and happy offspring; from the looks of it, probably three fawns, tiger twins, or a manatee calf.
I can't stop peeing and even though I know it's because Hanukkah is just around the next five corners [and ain't it a bitch that Star of David and Stormtroopers of Death both bust down to the same acronym? This causes *so* much confusion in my holiday form letters]; I worry that it could be caffeine intolerance – the same horrible disease that took my father. Took him to Disney World!!

Fuckin' sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Remember to join me for my Tenth & Final 29th Birthday Party on 13 December at Sputnik; bringing Goldy, Frankenstien, and Murray to show your humility, devotion and longing for spiritual guidance. If none of those dudes can make it, just slide me enough cocaine to jam into my skull that I forget who we both are.

Grazie, Suckheads. Keep the Christ in Saturnalia.