Excerpts from 5 or so pages written in 2004, following a bout of illness. To this day, I'm not sure what brought this experience into my life, but I was very sick for a time, and had several dreams and visions as I recuperated. I didn't eat meat for several months, and have never returned to my former tendencies with alcohol, but more importantly, the experience somehow rid me of a despair that I couldn't shake for years, and replaced it with a new set of tools to work with in the world. The experience drained me completely, but had a strange energizing effect on me, and I have never been the same.

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Oct. 31, 2004

2:00pm
...Today I recall a moment from childhood. I don't know who I was talking to----a sister's boyfriend, I think. Sun was shining through the blinds, and tiny specks of dust floated in the air, catching the light and glowing. Whoever he was told me that scientists and philosophers (some) believed that an entire universe can exist in a speck of dust, and that OUR entire universe could be another speck of dust, just floating insignificantly in some other world's living room. I was pretty young, but was able to grasp the concept.

I remember swatting at the dust particles hanging there, joking, "Look OUT!", then feeling a pang of guilt.

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These visits with the Source were, at some point, less welcome. I felt I'd had enough, and just couldn't WAIT to smoke, eat, wallow in my fleshy vessel, so to speak, but it wouldn't let go. I'd sit up, speak, feel a hope that I was returning, but another wave, another stampede would come rumbling. .......Intense joy at everything and nothing, a sensation like being swallowed alive by some superior organism that eats souls like mine to stay alive. Scary sounding, but not at the time necessarily. If a pack of lions were to eat me, would I then travel with the cats, stalking prey and ruling the jungle?

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November 1, 2004
4:30pm
Very calm feeling. Sense of TIME seems...I don't know, RELAXED. Not such a feeling of useless panic ("It's already November?! Oh my god, where did this year go?!) followed by periods of inefficient inspiration followed by self-congratulatory decadence of smoking, drinking, eating too much, hostile lusting, paranoia, and grandiose daydreaming.
"God bless the beast in me"
With effort, I can hold on to this and let it help guide me..................A lesson is being learned, and perhaps the holy MIDDLE ground is where I'm standing, or at least walking towards.

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Nov. 4, 2004
10:34am
Past couple of days have been very busy---some difficulties getting the paintings up (and STAYING up) at the show, and a couple of hellacious days at work, but all is being taken in stride.

It's been a week since I had alcohol. I'm guessing it's been 5 years since I could say that. No coffee or caffeine since Friday, and the biggest thing is not eating meat in 5 days. This is most definitely a first in my life. It feels good, and I feel like I'm learning a lot about my body.

I'd eaten an obscene amount of meat during the week leading up to being sick Saturday: sausages, a burger, braised beef, a huge prime rib, a bit of lamb, probably some chicken. Even for me, it was a meat-heavy week.

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The timing of this experience is really a thing to behold. Coming out of it, dealing with my emotions and my place in the world given these new insights, and then to WATCH THE ELECTION GO DOWN. The bad guys lost. The even worse guys won. There are a lot of very sad, disappointed, good people in this country right now. The stage is set now. Incredible things are going to happen, and a lot of it will be incredibly horrible, tragic.

It's one of life's greatest frustrations that, no matter how much you may evolve during your journey, you can't bring the world with you.

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It feels great not to be drinking. Saving money, more energy, none of the usual stomach troubles. And I can eat less. At my worst, I would choose food as preparation for drinking. A plate of vegetables and rice would not suffice before a night at the bar, hadda eat some beef or pig or at least fish....

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11;15am
I feel as though I'm winding down this bit of writing......words will never do this justice, but I'm proud to have tried. And the most amazing part right now---the very substantial evidence that SOMETHING HAPPENED are the changes in me since. All these things that I've KNOWN were wrong in my life, but I felt some lack of control over, they've all come clear....for what they are...somewhat, for now. I believe in something for a change- me and all existence.