Man, I just went out-side and felt the cold/windy chill in the air...it brought back a memory that I thought I forgot.

I remember a long time ago (maybe it was sooner than I realize) I remember being under the bridge next to Taco land ( only S.A. people will know what I'm talking about).

I was strung-out on heroin...it was 28 degrees...fuck'in cold and I was there...wearing two pairs of jeans/long-johns/three shirts/a hoodie/two pairs of socks/gloves/beanie laying on a (well used matress) with my knife in hand high on the shit...wondering way I haven't died yet. There was a show going on and I remember hearing the laughter on the porch (of taco land) thinking " I wish somebody cared about where I was".

I layed there thinking about why all the 'big shots' I've taken and why I haven't died yet...sad I know but, that is where I was.
I hated that everyday when the sun came up I was alive and that I had to be 'me' again...that I had to get my 'fix'.

In the middle of the night I heard some noise and it was some dude looking for a needle...I told him that I had one and gave it to him...and he burned off....I (even then hated druggies) ...I was just hoping for another opportunity to kill myself.

Anyhow, I woke-up to a noise...........It was 'Ram'....emptying the garbage....he said "are you alright"...I said I needed money to get a 'fix'....he said "you need to beat that shit...you used to play here with your band and you guys brought me good money"....I told him that was a long time ago....it's over (that was 3 days before he and two others were shot down...which also killed all remaining music scene left in S.A.).

I tried to be strong, but the dope won... I got busted at SEARS at the old 'Central-park-mall'...& went down for another 3 1/2 years.......................


I've been clean now for well over 5 years and I love life...I have a 6 day a week job....I don't talk to all the 'fuck-ups' I used to.....I have a good life....................

but, days like this remind me of bad....and in a weird way good times of my life....

I'm alive, off the dope (still) and even though I can count my friends on my first three fingers....I truly am lucky.

Outside, the cold winter wind blows....