So once again we find ourselves here, in a window of time, and a place that we all like to call Jasons life.  Albeit a small smidgen of it, but yet we all like to wallow in my misery, even though I partly do it to myself and I post this, but hey, therapy is therapy.  Enjoy!

Brief overview of the events of the evening…

1) Im on the Patio at the Cheesecake Factory [where I work my civilian job]

2) I spilt hot fresh Coffee on a women on Table 103

3) Fucked up two orders, even though in actuality it was their fault, not mine.

4) Had a man bitch at me because a bird shit on his napkin [like it was my fault]

5) Oh, did I mention I was on the Patio again, but it was my fault, I picked it up.

Heres the quote of the evening: 

"Excuse me, sir, sir!! [of course shes talking to me] I didnt ask for this! I do not want to sit under this tree; I did not ask to be seated under this tree with all the noise above me! [implying to the birds chirping above her].  I either want you to make them stop, or move me inside----now!"

And so it begins…

So I entitle this story, "The Bird shit on my Napkin, sir!"

So like any other night of my life as of recent I spend it at work, the Cheesecake Factory.  Now I still dont know why I am still there, why I have not been fired, or why I havent tried to quit for the third time, but yet I stay.  Call me crazy, call me sick, call me what ever you wish, but I need the money and being a former Infantrymen in the Army there are not too many jobs out there with the skills you gain in the Army [Infantry].  Although killing some of the people I work with and serve for would be blessing.  Just to hope up into my Bradley Fighting Vehicle again and just spray 25mm  High-Explosive-Incendiary rounds at people and watch their bodys explode and then catch fire would be wonderful too see again [did he just say again?]

So I walk up from the parking lot at "The Oaks" Mall in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Thousand Oaks, California.  The sweet smells of summer are in the air.  You can sense the coming evening with the clouds over the Santa Monica Mountains to the south. The last bit of a warm breeze blew on my face as the sun set in the west.  Not having my sun glasses on anymore my retinas burned with the brightness of the setting sun. Eh, another night at work.

Its 5:30pm PST

I walk into a craziness known as Cheesecake Factory.  There is a two page wait, a seamless shift change over [can you taste the sarcasm yet?] happening and Mangers running about asking random servers for "Show Help" and "Run Support, please!", because obviously if the kitchen is backing up and the front desk cant get people into the restaurant fast enough then of course the servers are all having the best of times in their stations if everything around them is falling apart and the Managers are already stressing out.  [Thank god Im here tonight!]

"Jason can you show help!?"  Ken my assistant General Manager says to me as he zips past me almost knocking me over. 

"Hi Ken, how is your day going?!"  I say to him as he runs to front desk to look at the computer lay out of the restaurant and then leave with out showing a party to a table.  Sure, that makes me just want to go up there and start showing people to their tables.  "Can someone clock me in!?  Im off schedule and here for Javiers Patio two shift! ---Anyone?"

Standing in the hall way aligning with the bar and the "Malibu Room" right next to the no server allowed door I gazed over the chaos.  A tingly feeling in my shoulders and back tugged at my skin. "Can someone clock me in, please?!"

Its 5:47pm PST

Ok, now im clocked in.  I have been "aligned" [Cheesecake Factory lingo which I call prostilitized in the church of Cheesecake in the ways and wonders of the Cheesecake!] and now im ready for work.  *sigh*

Seeing Kim [the Patio 2 person on the day shift] I walked over and greeted her with a smile.  The first thing out of her mouth, "Good luck tonight Jason!" 

Thanks, that's exactly the statement I want to lead into my shift with. *sigh*  "So what can I do for you tonight to get you on your way home Kim?!"

"You can pick up Table 125 and that's about it."

"So your keeping 103, 105, and 124!?" I asked her with a smile wondering if she would love to transfer me those tables so I can incur the money from the tip without the work involved.  Mainly because most servers don't want to stick around for their tables to pay out and they just transfer them to the next shift coming in [BINGO, Free money!!]. 

Table 125 is transferred to me, its 5:50pm PST

Smoothly transitioning into my station is a blessing at this time of day.  There is nothing worse then coming into a chaotic situation with people freaking out all around you, oh wait, didnt I already see that inside at the front desk?  Yeah, I think I did.

Its nearly 6:30pm PST.

So my first "round" of tables has come and gone and now Im getting double sat on Tables 124 and 103.  Easy, thats nothing, two tables of four! HA!  Table 103 sits, the front desk runner hands them the menus and I hear her say that "Jason will be your server this evening.  Have a wonderful meal."  As I smile at the runner as she passes by me as I stand at the bus station located near the door to the dinning room inside.

Table 124 is being sat by my General Manger, Jen.  She smiles at them with the normal Cheesecake Factory smile and tells them that I am their server and to have a wonderful meal [can you tell this shit is scripted?]

Smiling at Jen as she passes by me, "Thanks" I say too her.

"Have fun!"  She responds as she whisks her self back inside.

Walking up to Table 103 first I give my normal greeting:

[Remember to smile Jason] 

"Hi folks!  How are all of you doing this evening?!"

-No response-

"Good!" I say in return. "Well my name is Jason and I will be your server this evening." I go in saying with a smile from ear to ear.  "Can I start you folks off with something to drink this evening."

"Water"

"Water"

"Coke"

"Water"

[God Damnit!! Order something other then water!! I need the bill to be higher!]

"Absolutely," I respond.  "Im going to get some fresh bread out for you folks along with these drinks, and to add in, our specials this evening are the Cream of Chicken and Artichoke soup, which comes in a cup or a bowl, and our fresh fish of the day is Grilled Salmon and Mahi-Mahi [thought I was going to say semen again, didnt you?!]

-No response-

Turning around I finished up my notes on Table 103.  I wanted to make sure that I got down their three waters and a coke on paper so I didn't forget it!  Facing Table 124 directly behind my standing position at Table 103 I was under one of the two trees we have planted in out patio area at the Cheesecake Factory Thousand Oaks.

"Hi folks! How are all of you doing this evening!?"

"Excuse me, sir, sir! I didnt ask for this! I do not want to sit under this tree; I did not ask to be seated under this tree with all the noise above me! [implying to the birds chirping above her].  I either want you to make them stop, or move me inside----now!"

Standing there with my Bic clicky pen in my right hand and my server book open in the palm of my left, I stared at the rubber face women, who looked as if she had more plastic keeping her ears and nose in place then what I could ever find in her husbands wallet [the one who obviously paid for it].  Her nose was misshapen and pointed.  Her cheek bones high and squishing her eyes, and her weak chin had a light dusting of peach fuzz accenting it. *sigh*

"Im sorry maam…"

"FIX IT!"

*sigh*

---------------------------------------------------Next--------------------------------------------------

Its around 7:20pm PST

A table of 5 with one infant has sat at Table 125 near the far edge of the Patio.

"Hi folks!  How are all of you doing this evening?!"

-No response-

"Good!" I say in return. "Well my name is Jason and I will be your server this evening." I go in saying with a smile from ear to ear.  "Can I start you folks off with something to drink this evening."

"Water"

"Water, no ice"

"Water, no ice, with a lemon"

"A Coke"

"A Diet Coke!"

[Jesus Chirst!!! Doesn't anyone ever go out to have a glass of wine anymore!! Holy shit people!]

"Absolutely," I respond.  "Im going to get some fresh bread out for you folks along with these drinks, and to add in, our specials this evening are the Cream of Chicken and Artichoke soup, which comes in a cup or a bowl, and our fresh fish of the day is Grilled Salmon and Mahi-Mahi [doesn't this shit sound familiar?!  Well it is!]

Coming back to the table after retrieving their drinks and bread I was interrupted by one of the younger men at the table who was demanding my immediate attention. 

"Scuse me sir!!"

[Why are people calling me sir!?]

"Yes sir, what can I do for you," I said as I was still balancing a tray full of drinks and bread and not trying to let it spill all over the baby next to me.

"I need a new napkin!"

"Absolutely sir, just give me a moment to get these drinks out and I will go and get you a few new ones."

"No—no, you don't understand.  The Bird shit on my Napkin, sir!"

[Standing there in an awkward pause I looked at the other guests at the table who were obviously listening in on the conversation]
"Yes sir, I will go get one for you as soon as I can, and I apologize for that happening to you."

[Now listen to me, Im fucking apologizing on behalf of a bird who just shit on a guys napkin.  I think I have reached a new low in my life, someone shoot me, and this time don't miss, I know I have been shot at so many times in so many ways while in the Army and at War, but come on, this time, someone hit me, even if its in the gut and I suffer an agonizing death.]

Throwing the napkin at my feet [and actually landing on my left foot] the man smugged at me for not giving him another napkin immediately. I mean come on, I still do have a tray in my hand filled with drinks, and I am sorry for your inconvenience.

-----------------------------------------------------NEXT-----------------------------------------------

Its around 9:30pm PST, Im still there, and I have now gone and come back from my meal period.

The server computers go down.  Meaning, for those of you out there reading this and have no idea what that means, its about the worst thing that could happen to you at Cheesecake Factory while in the middle of the dinner rush and you have orders to input into the computer and send to the kitchen and the Computer is down and there is no way at that time to send it in. *sigh*

So Im at the point of inputting a table of eights food and drink, mind you they actually got shit from the bar and of course every single dish has some sort of modification that has to be put in manually.  As soon as I type everything out and get to the point of sending it after reviewing what I put in the screen goes to the "Updating System" function and Im immediately locked out just seconds before actually sending my order in.  you could hear a lull drone come from the other servers stationed at other computers around the restaurant.

Ok, its not so bad, they usually last like 1 minute.  Albeit it the longest one minute in your life, but on average that's how long it lasts.  Not this one. No. It wanted to go for about 13 minutes.  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (WTF)!!!

So of course as resourceful as I am I went to the bar and the expo separately to tell them that I needed certain items to be made and that I would punch it in later and send it in "Don't make" so we can account for it.  Easy, done, no problem, I get back to the table after chilling by the computers for 6 minutes and not bringing out anything to the table that just put their order in.  Needless to say they were not happy, oh, and did I mention I just got triple sat while I waited inside at the computer to push send? Yeah, I did, thanks front desk.

So I get to the table to tell them the situation and the first thing out of their pompous arrogant mouths is…[drum roll please!!!!!]… so what do we get for free for our inconvenience!? [ding-ding-ding!!  We have a table full of assholes!!! YAY!!!]

"Im sorry sir, but I cannot make the decision and I do apologize for the inconvenience again."

"Well that doesnt make me feel any better, but a nice glass of wine would…"

[I didnt respond, I just smiled and left]

----------------------------------------------------NEXT------------------------------------------------

Ok these next few will have the Cheesecake people laughing.

So a couple on 124 asked to get a water and a Pinot Grigio [a white wine]. Ok, no problem, except I failed to cut through their thick European accents and know that they meant a Pino Grittio [carbon Water].  Opps, Comp number one for the evening!!! Good job JASON!

[Comps are bad at Cheesecake Factory,  they show that you are an idiot and can not do your job correctly, and they are supposed to reflect on your over all job performance, humm, Comps are bad, really really bad!]

Later on that night…

Another foreign lady orders a "Chicken Madeira".  I asked her [this is called tour guiding at the Cheesecake Factory.  We do this so we can better understand what the guest actually wants so we don't ring it in wrong and they get the wrong dish] if she liked the mashed potatoes and asparagus with that.  Both of which come on the "Chicken Madeira".  The food hits the table.  She looks up at me, "Wheres the pasta," she asks as I look at the Chicken Madeira.

"you wanted the Chicken Madeira maam, right?  I asked if the Mashed Potatoes and Asparagus were alright for you?"  [I was wrong]

"Doesnt this dish come with bowtie pasta?!"

"You mean the Chicken Marsala and Mushrooms mama?"

"Yeah, thats what I wanted."

*sigh*

The next table over…same time frame.

"Yeah, I want the Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake"

"The dark Chocolate or the white Chocolate Raspberry Truffle maam" [Because there is a HUGE difference between the two!]

"The dark," she says.

After ringing in the Cheesecakes [her daughters as well, who got the Brownie Sundae] I rushed to the bakery to talk to my old co-workers who were slaving away cleaning.  Hahahah I thought as I watched them clean. 

Picking up the two Cheesecakes I made my way out to the patio again.  Placing the tips of the Cheesecakes with the best bit forward and the point at the 7 o'clock the lady looked at me in horror. "This isn't what I ordered.  I normally get it, and its white, with regular Cheesecake!"

*sigh*

"Im sorry maam, did you mean the Dark Raspberry Truffle or the White Raspberry Truffle?" 

"The white one!"

*Sigh*

Comp number 2!!!!!

On, and on a side note, I split hot coffee on a lady just after that.  Im so good it hurts!!

*sigh*

Someone shoot me!