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Current mood:  sad
i was in he shower, getting ready to go to work, when my then girlfriend reached thru the curtain with a pregnancy test in her hand. the test showed positive. lindsay and i had both left failed marriages just a month prior, and i was neutered years earlier. lindsay's ex decided that he was not the father as he did not want the responsibility. it worked out as far as i was concerned as i made the choice to be a daddy again the moment i saw that test stick. it was a decision that i was soooo happy about, as i just love being a daddy.
lindsay and i almost split up several times over the next months, but we always seemed to overcome everything in our path. elizabeth, who we call libby, was born at 11pm on the 2nd of september 1995, and i was right there watching her birth and holding my lindsay's hand. it was so funny a moment when libby popped out, as almost all the amneotic fluid was backed up behind her and the intern who caught her got quite the soaking. we were expecting a boy, but i was quite happy to have a fifth daughter. it only took a moment or two for lindsay to go from "i wanted a boy" to "my beautiful baby girl."
libby was one of those babys a parent dreams of. she slept thru the night from the beginning, and she always was so happy. she was definitely not a fussy baby in any way, and she made parenting a breeze. lindsay and i were not married at this time, she was divorced but i was still legally married. that was probably the hardest hurdle we had to deal with, along with my kids and our schedules. we always seemed to have the time for the kids, and especially for libby.
we had been together for almost two years when lindsay met another man and we split up. we worked out an arrangement whereby i would take care of libby in the daytime while lindsay worked, and she in the evenings while i worked. i also had custody of my other kids worked out nicely with my ex as well. lindsay's new relationship lasted only a few months as she realized that she wanted to be with me instead. during the time we were separated libby was a rock for both of us. she would hold me as i cried and missed her mommy, and did the same for lindsay.
lindsay and i eventually got back together and eventually my ex and i divorced, and lindsay and i were married. libby was our flower girl and my two girls stood up with lindsay and i. my older step daughters from my first marriage were there, as well as my ex and her ex (father of my step girls). lindsay's whole family was there and my mom, sister, and brother flew in to be with us. it was a beautiful garden ceremony, with libby charming everyone present.
libby started school at the neighborhood school, and was a model student from the beginning. she won awards and accolades, always humble about it all. her principal called her a "teacher's dream," andf her teachers all felt the same way about her. libby was a girl scout and active in the church, always keeping her nose to the grindstone. libby took karate classes and worked her way up to a brown belt, played soccer and softball, and still had time for her mommy and i. libby was very popular with the other kids as well, always seeming to be everyone's best friend.
libby was probably the most responsible child i have ever known. she had a hamster and hermit crabs, all of which she was quite dedicated to caring for. she trained her hamster to be comfortable being held, and never gave us any hassle about taking care of their cages (hamster and crabs). libby loved using the computer. she started out by playing with my machine while sitting on my lap, and turned into a real computer geek kid :) she spent a lot of time on the computer as she was a big teen titans fan, her fav character being "raven." she was active in the chat rooms and message boards on fan sites, never minding her mommy and i looking over her shoulder to make sure all was well.
i remember picking libby up from school the day she was murdered. i asked her if she wanted a peppermint, and she said "no thanks." when she got home she started right away with her homework. after she was done she asked if she could take her walk. i was getting ready to head back to work (i worked split shifts at the time) and i gave her a hug and said goodbye, and took off for work. i was working when i realized that i had left my phone at home, so i went by to pick it up. that was when i found out that libby had not returned from her walk, it had been almost and hour.
the police were already looking for her, and i went back to worked and clocked out so i could find my baby. i had been looking for about 15 or 20 minutes when i pulled into a parking lot behind a shopping center. a man was there and he told me he thought he had found a body or something. i ran up to this bundle that was tied in a blanket and opened it to find the cold and lifeless and bound body of my baby girl. i do not know how i managed to call lindsay but i did and she came fast. i stopped her from running all the way to where libby's body was as i did not want her to have to deal with what i had seen and have to deal with.
we were ushered into this bar that was right there near the scene, where we waited and lindsay made those awful phone calls to friends and family. i was of no use at all at that point, i was just in shock and sat there staring at the floor. i was not able to call my family until the next day, i just did not have it in me. we had been in the bar for what seemed like forever before we were taken home by the police chaplain, the police drove our cars home for us. we got home and were quickly visited by the police cyber crimes unit and detectives from the homicide unit. they quickly gathered what evidence they thought important, including libby's computer and left us with friends.
the entire police force worked that night to find my baby's killer. a fingerpring specialist was able to lift a clean pring from the duct tape libby was bound with, and the print matched up with her killer who had a police record. we woke up early the next day to a phone call from the police chaplain telling us they had caught the slimebag who murdered our baby. it took the police less than 12 hours to solve my daughter's murder. the courts moved just as fast. we offered up a plea deal whereby the scumbag would plead guilty to all charges and avoid the death penalty. i had no aversion to the possibility of him being executed, i just did not want my family and i to have to deal with a trial if it could be avoided.
so, it was on the three month anniversary of her murder that her killer plead guilty to all charges and was sentenced to life with no parole plus 35 years. nothing will ever bring back our baby, but we are comforted by the knowledge that that creep would never harm another child. what really sucked for us was finding out that the dirtbag had a warrent our on him for failure to appear in court on a drug charge just ten days before libby's murder. had he been picked up and disposed of properly our baby would still be alive. the scumbag was on meth at the time he killed her. we do not hold anyone but libby's murderer responsible for her death, other than when we blame ourselves. both my wife and i have intellectually accepted that her death was not our fault, but wrapping our emotions around that truth is much more diddicult a process. we are slowly getting better at it.
nothing will ever bring our baby back to us, but we are quietly thankful that our legal ordeal is over and we do not have to suffer the awfulness that so many other families have to go thru. it is also strange, tho, as we were originally braced for a long and drawn out legal battle which never materialized, leaving kind of a hole we did not know what to do with. we have since wished we had gone for blood with this creep, but not often, as we both know things worked out as libby would want them to for us. we all miss her so.
lindsay and i spend most of our time just trying to live each day. friends and family have faded into the woodwork, with just a few good friends who still hang in there with us. when people find out who we are you can see the tension in their face and body. its like they want to run away from what has happened to us, perhaps deeply afraid that it could happen to them. we are both on meds for bi-polar syndrome and depression, and we both drink too much. sadly at this point neither of us care what happens to us, other than still wanting to be there for each other. both of us live in terror that we will lose the other and have to face the rest of life truly alone. it is the deep lonliness that eats at us every day, making mornings hard for me and evenings hard for lindsay. we watch too much tv, but there is not much else we feel up to doing. maybe if our friends had time for us things might be different, i just dont know.
each day dawns new but feels very old. not much keeps us going. we will not be observing thanksgiving or christmas this year or maybe ever again. lindsay's mom is taking us on a cruise for christmas to get us out of town for a while. we will be at sea all day christmas day, so i hope that we will be able to relax and suffer just a bit less. libby was really into holidays and birthdays, and that just makes it harder for us to cope with them. my ex came by with pumpkins on halloween eve which we carved together. we were not asked if we wanted to do it, it just landed on us, so we made the best we could of it. it was actually not too bad a night, but given our druthers we would not have done it at all. we know everyone means well but we just dont have the heart for it, so we wont even try.
i really miss my baby girl
2:16 AM
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