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Current mood:  sad
so
today marks eight months to the day and date that our baby girl was murdered. tuesdays are always hard for us to bear, but they are especially hard when tuesday falls on the 28th. there is not enough drugs and alcohol to numb this ache we are feeling, we miss libby sooooooooo much. we are fortunate to have alot of video of her and alot of pictures as well, but they dont even come close to being enough for us, we want her to come home.
my wife and i both work, which is a mixed blessing. neither of us can take much time alone at home, wallowing comes too easy when we are alone. working helps fill the time, but can be a hard place to really feel what we need to feel at the moment. the folkes we work with have been great tho, and that makes passing the time working just a tiny bit more pleasant.
we have been having absolutely gorgeous weather this fall but thats gettin ready to change, thursday it is supposed to snow. libby loved the snow; snow angels, snowmen, and snowball fights were always big fun for her. the winter weather aught to make work interesting, i deliver for a living.
my wife and i are both amazed that it has already been eight months since libby's murder. we both wonder how we have been able to make it this far. life seems to have no purpose for us, no real direction anymore. still, each morning we wake up and start the day, and every night we end the day. they come and go one at a time, just like always, but when every second hurts the day seems to drag along oh so slowly.
the silence in our home is deafening. we turn the tv on first thing, just to fill the emptyness of the silence, and keep it on all the time when we are home. i find that i am unable to listen to music anymore. i still listen to talk radio at work, but music aint for me just yet. right now we are watching "dirty jobs" getting ready to turn it to "nip tuck" in a few minutes. the tv schedule and whats on where is a big part of our lives for now, and we have found out that most of television is crap. (big surprise, huh?)
we still have not quite realized deep down that the legal part of our case is finished. when a crime like this occurs it is usually over a year before the trial even starts. originally we were bracing ourselves for the long and drawn out ordeal, but that ended when we offered the plea bargain. we traded a long trial and endless appeals for the death penalty for no trial and life plus thirty five years. sometimes i am grateful that we will not have to deal with a trial, then sometimes i wish i would have the chance to watch daniel arlen johnson strapped to a table being given a lethal injection; its a tough trade, huh?
september is libby's birthday, october is halloween, november is thanksgiving, and december is christmas. these are really hard months to bear. we cried for elizabeth on her birthday, went to lindsay's boss's house for halloween, and we ended up seeing "borat" and having dinner at denny's for thanksgiving. big fun, huh? for christmas we are being taken on a cruise with lindsay's mom and step-dad, so that'll be nice. maybe we'll survive it afterall.
one of the hardest things we are dealing with is the absence of our friends and family in our lives. for a while after libby's death our friends were here constantly, and family stayed close to us. as time has passed everyone's lives have returned to normal, or as normal as they can be, but we are sorta stuck in neutral, not having a "normal" to return to. it is hard to not get angry at friends and family, but trying to understand their distance is very hard. i feel sorry that it is hard for people, but damnit, we miss them all so much it hurts.
i am damn sick and tired of all the friggin christmas commercials on tv, they make me want to scream. we have chose to not observe the holidays this year, and we hope everyone understands, but if not, too bad. i honestly do not know if we will ever have it in us to celebrate special days ever again, but we have decided that we are going to follow our hearts, rather than what anyone thinks we should do.
oh well. all in all i pretty much feel like shit all the time, i have just gotten really good that pasting the old plastic smile and forcing my way thru each day. i really hate living without libby, and i hate watching my beloved lindsay suffer her death every day. but live we will continue to do, that animal already took our baby's life, i'll be damned if i am gonna let him take ours too.
life goes on, whether you like it or not, and that really sucks.
2:25 AM
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