I have written about taking a shit at work before. As you know, it is a art form. There are the turd burglars who come in just as you shit, the campers who camp out in the bathroom while you are poised to take a shit and never leave, hence leaving you cramped with quivering lip trying to hold back the impending doom that is a work shit. However today, I found something new... something so strange I can't even name it.
This morning I concocted a deadly brew of a Everything Bagel with sour cream and chives cream cheese and a monster java energy drink and a 9 am meeting. By 10 am things had began to change in my body. At first I felt content, and full of energy. Then it happened. One deep rumble and I knew that something bad was going to happen. I endured the last of my meeting and headed to the bathroom. No one there, sweet! I check under the doors to be sure and head into the handicapalble stall at the end of the log long row. I take care of business quickly before I can be burglarized, throw in a courtesy flush for good measure and then I hear it. I long low Pisssssssshhhhh sound coming from behind my head. Then I feel something spray on my ass cheek. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!" I yell. Is there a tiny perfume lady in the toilet (really what if that was your job? what a shitty fucking job)? I fight the urge to jump up, and instead I peer over my right shoulder. There is a timed air freshener with a hose that runs into the toilet bowl.WTF Mate. WTF.

Out loud I exclaim "oh no you didn't!" Just as I hear the "oh" come out of my mouth the bathroom door opens. In my mind my brain sends commands to my mouth to quickly close. Too late, there is a 404 error caused by the smell of bathroom air freshener. Unknown bathroom person has entered the room and has heard me. I hear a snicker of someone wondering why I just got all ghetto with a turd by shouting "oh no you didn't". I know they are wondering if I am about to take off my earrings and Vaseline my face and throw down. I am now trapped. I wait, it seems they are just peeing. I wait, they leave the stall, wash hands.... no door open. Crap. Checking make up. The seconds are years. Finally they leave. I wait for them to clear the hall and bolt. My ass smells like a mountain meadow.

Addendum- In the rush to get out of the bathroom I split the seam on the back of my drawers and had to walk around the whole day with my underwear falling down.